Is this abuse? (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Is this abuse? (long)
5
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 9:00am

...or am I just over-reacting? We have been married for less than three weeks, together for almost five years and living together for four. I was emotionally and verbally abused by my step-father as a child and teen-ager.

Just over one week into our marriage we got into a major fight. I had forgotten to replace the empty toilet paper roll (I am very absent-minded). It was the second time since our wedding. He exploded. At first he just told me that I "didn't change the f@#$ing roll again" and I shrugged it off. Then a little while later he asked if I had changed it yet (I thought he had just done it himself). I was working on the computer, so I said that I hadn't. A little while later he asked again, and I said "no, just do it yourself" (it really wasn't something I was thinking about). Then he says "do it now" and I told him not to order me around. He just ordering me. "Do it now", "Do it now". I told him to stop talking to me like a child. He kept at it. I finally walked over to him and told him to "go f@#$ yourself". I don't like being talked to like that. I am also very stubborn and hate it when people tell me what to do. I said I was going to bed and he said I wasn't. I went to bed, he turns the TV really load (it's right next to the bedroom) and turned the lights on. Fine, I can sleep through that. I told him if he had asked me nicely, I would have done it right away. Anyway, he kept coming in every couple of minutes to shake me awake and tell me to change it. All this for a toilet paper roll!!! This went on for an hour!! Then he says that he did ask me nicely in the beginning (he didn't) and that I had no right to be angry with him and tell him off. Finally at almost midnight he asked me to change it, and I did because he asked nicely. Than he made ME apologize!! He kept me awake until midnight because of a toilet paper roll!! (I get up every morning at 5:30 for work). All of this brought back memories from my childhood, and it really scared me. He also told me that I do nothing around the house etc... I am the only one working (he's laid-off, but looking) and he never does the household chores, even though he is home all day. He is usually out in the garage, and when I come home, he always asks "what's for dinner".

He can be very sweet and supportive, but this was new to me. He does have a temper, but he never yells at me and he has never hit me. But he has been degrading towards me since we got married. Just little comments here and there, and when I get upset, he says "you're in a bitch again". Then it's all my fault!! I don't know what to do.

Niki

PS- sorry it's so long

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 9:10am

It changes after you get married.

Yep, this is abuse. In its "earlier" form, I believe.

The roll of toilet paper is merely the topic. The issue is his power and control over you.

Here is a book recommendation - I've read it myself within the last 3 months and many here have read it as well:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

I sincerely wish I would have read that book in 1996. I would have had a different perspective and outlook.

(((HUGS)))

I'll check back for an update.

Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 10:45am

Welcome, Niki. You are not overreacting. We always think we are because they want us to believe it. YES, this is definitely abuse. That is way too much energy to put into a roll of tissue. From the beginning he put too much into it, proving that it wasn't tissue he wanted, nor consideration, but control.

ITA with iawakened. Things are changing now because he "has" you. Abuse often escalates and sometimes just begins after the wedding, after a baby, etc. And this is an early stage. Yes, he'll bee sweet and ingratiating at times, that's part of the effort to gain control. Check the board website; lots of good information there.

Forgetting the TP twice in three weeks does not mean you are absent-minded, but he would love for you to believe it does. He asked you nicely, you had no right to tell him off? That's gaslighting. He's rewriting history and trying to make you believe it. At least he wants you to doubt your own memory.

He can make little sniping comments to you, but you may not object? That's pure control. He wants to prove to both of you that you're under his thumb. You don't deserve that. You do not deserve any of it.

Please stick around, read, post, learn and get support. We're here for you. I strongly recommend clearing your history and cache - I think there's info on that at the board website. Take good care of you and try to keep your mind above the crap he's throwing at you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 11:24am
Welcome to the board Niki.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 11:25am
{{{{{{Niki}}}}}Huge hugs to you hon. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, it's terrible that he is treating you this way. This is abuse, and I'm sorry hon, but it WILL get worse. This is just the beginning. He had absolutely no right to treat you that way, over something so insignificant as a toilet paper roll....Geeesh! He should have just changed it himself and not even said anything. As far as that goes, until he gets a job, he should be doing the majority of the housework. There is a lot of good information here, and you will learn a lot if you stick around. One thing you need to keep in mind....YOU are not the problem, HE is the problem. He is abusive, plain and simple. Abuse is not necessarily about being hit, although some women here go thru that too, Abuse is about CONTROL. Him keeping you awake, swearing at you, treating you badly, and making you miserable was all ABUSE with the intent on controlling you and making you do what he wanted you to do. Keep posting to let us know what is going on, also it helps just to vent to people who understand. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs......you deserve to be treated better than that.
Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 6:33pm
Leave him now. Don't look back. Do not have kids with this person. He is just nuts. I can't believe that he kept you up for a toliet paper role. My 7 year old knows to do that one. Abuse is all about power and control and that was it. I was kept up by my ex all night at times and he didn't work because he wanted sex and I was tired all of the time and I will never go back to a situation like that one. How old is he. 2. Can he not figure out how to do that himself and I'd be done dear. Cut your loses and get out. You have a job and he doesn't he needs to get off his ass and find a job and get out of your house. I know life gets lonely sometimes but it has got to be better than that one. All abusers can be sweet sometimes that is how they get us in the first place but the cycle is neverending and they will never be happy. My heart goes out to you and he is just nuts. I like to say do what you would tell someone else to do in the same situation. What did he want you to do stop typing and go change it. HUGS and Prayers to you dear and I wish you the best of luck and can tell you that it only gets worse and I'd be darned if I'd tell him I was sorry. I'd tell him he was sorry.>Jo