what would you do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
what would you do???
8
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 12:54pm

Hi, A dear friend of mine is in a abusive relationship.

She has been with him for 3 years and during their relationship, he puts her down constantly, lied to her cheated on her and occasionally man-handled her. Everytime when it gets real bad she comes running to me and tells me that she is going to leave him for good this time and that she had it enough. I always try to be supportive and encorage her to be strong and tells her that she deserves better... but she always end up taking him back or calling him herself a couple of days later.

One of reason she said that made it hard for her to leave him is her addiction to drugs. He supplys her with drugs and all his "connection" knows not to sell it to her because he told them not to. So one day she called me and told me that she is ready to leave him but asked me to do one thing for her.. which is to get the drugs for her...What should i do?? I know that her "addiction" with her boyfriend is intertwin with the addiction with drugs. I thought to myself that leaving him might be the first step for her. At least she is no longer under his control and we will deal with her drugs problem later. But I don't know..it just doesn't feel right... What would you do?? any input will be helpful thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 2:01pm

Welcome to the board Mermaid...


First of all, under ANY circumstance are you to buy her drugs for her.

5yrssm 
Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 6:21pm
No one with a drug problem can think with a clear head. I don't think you getting her drugs will keep her from going back to him. That is a drug all on it's own. She needs to leave him and get off the drugs and if that means checking into a program do it now. All of this she needs to do in her time. It might be frustrating for you but be the best friend you can be and if you don't support her drug problem that is not being a bad friend. I know I wouldn't I don't like drugs and wouldn't be able to do that one. Just let her know you are there. I know I didn't have any friends and that is why I stayed for so long but he likes her on the drugs and will do all he can to keep her on them. As long as she is on them he will have some kind of control over her. Gosh my best to you and her I know this can not be easy. HUGS and Prayers to you and her.>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 11:00pm
She asked you to get drugs for her? I would stay away from her drugs and I'd cut her off completely too. You could go to jail if you are with her and she gets stopped by the police with drugs on her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 12:40am
Thanks for everybodys replies
I understand the consequences completely. I said no to her today and she had called me a hypocrite since I have done it myself in the past. She is also in therapy, but all they did was giving her more drugs. I told her to talk to other people who might be more helpful and not just give her "medicines". she pretty much just brushed me off... The bottom line is I am not going to get the drugs for her... since I fear that she is going to still be with him anyways, so it is really no use... she has to want to help her self first... I was naive to think that maybe getting her the drugs she might leave him for good so she doesn't feel like she has to rely on him. I can not just cut her off ..she is a dear friend of mine .. even though we had grown apart, I still care about her deeply. I will still try my best to direct her to get her life back on track. thanks again for reading my post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 7:11am
Okay, so she leaves him, you buy her drugs, and whether she goes back to him or not, you get caught. That's a very grim possibility. I know you hurt for her, I know she needs help and support to get out, but this is no help. Sacrificing your integrity, your clean record, and perhaps your freedom on the chance that she will stay away from him just won't work. If you want to do something for her, give her numbers for shelters. They're more likely to know how to handle this. I daresay they've seen it before. Please take care of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 7:49am
Your friend has at least a couple of very serious problems to deal with, and she's not going to make any change unless she wants to. You can give her all kinds of advice, but she's an addict & she's also being abused so her head is really screwed up. She's probably going to have to hit bottom before she wakes up. Sometimes losing their friends is the best way for them to see that they're really messing up. If nothing in her life changes, why should she? It sounds harsh, but I've had lots of addict friends, and they didn't stop the drugs or alcohol until they started losing their friends, their jobs, their kids, and their health. I've left people temporarily, until they stopped whatever madness they were a part of, and resumed the friendship again later on much better ground, and they never held it against me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 9:17am
In instances like this, she has to be the one to admit she has a problem.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 6:55pm

Welcome mermaid and bless your heart for wanting to help your friend. Everyone has posted excellent replies to you so I won't repeat what has already been said so well.

Mama Harmony