I need help on verbal abuse issue
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| Sun, 08-28-2005 - 2:07am |
Hi,
I am new to this board, I am so happy that I found it. I feel so lonely with my situation.
my husband to whom I am married for 19 and have 3 children is mind/verbal abuser. He is been difficult to live with for all this years and I always thought that it will get better once... you know! but that day never came, my children are older now and I started to think about myself. I began to look at his behviour as if i am watching a movie, everything he says or does is being analyzed by me in order to understand him and maybe figure out what to do. he makes jokes about me also in front of other people and the children and then he looks at me to see my reaction, he blames me for everything and if I do something that is realy my fault then it is like major catastrophe and I get the silence treatment and all kind of threats and panishments like a little girl.
I am sick and tired of this. I have nobody to talk to about this, my mother has enough problems and it hurts me to add more to her. I feel that if I tell anything about this to one of my very few friends (my husband cant stand my friends so i canot invites to my house) she will not understand or tell me something stupid like "they are all the same" or say things that make me regret I ever told them.
In all the sites and articles I read they mention the abusive partner as being possesive and getting angry if the victim wants to get out. In my case, my husband who has been married before to a wife that cheeted on him and divrced him, i think it is different because one of his threats is that he is going to live me. he tells me that if I do this or do that or because of this or because of that he will go sunday and fail for a divorce or find another place to live, but he does not do anythig for real, he uses this to scare me and low my self esteem. I am comfused by this, he sais that he will live and go far away and will have no relationship with me or the children he will not give them any money and he is so cruel that in a rage he can say that he wants to have them DNA tested because he doubt that they are his. something that is a complete fantasy and he knows that.
Please advice what should I do about this situation. Is this considered mind abuse if he threatens to live me? even if he never does anything to save himself from his "terrible life with me" or maybe he realy is afraid that I will live him like his first wife and he is realy all the time "trying me" to see If I will live?
do you know of any guide for dealing with verbal abouse?
thak you all for listening to me!!

Threatening to leave you on a regular basis is most definitely abuse!
Maybe his first wife left him because of his verbal abuse. Whatever the reason, to keep on behaving like this after so many years of marriage is nothing short of pathetic. Carrying on about DNA testing is nothing short of cruelty. Not wanting you to have close friends is his wanting to keep you isolated.
I understand your reluctance to confide in people. I was exactly the same. When I decided to divorce my ex I decided I had to ask for help from people. There were one or two (not close friends) who made nasty remarks but I was amazed at how supportive most people were.
I suggest you keep posting here as this is one place where people will completely understand your experiences and feelings. There are also a lot of links on the main page and board homepage. These will help you decide what to do.
He's definitely abusing you. You've got to try your best to tune him out when he starts that crap. Now's the time to make a plan to get away from him.
Two books that are very helpful and get recommended here a lot are Verbally Abusive Relationships by Patricia Evans and Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. These will help you recognize abuse and give you suggestions on how to cope with it during the relationship and why it's so important to get out.
When he starts putting you down, don't take anything he says seriously. It's all garbage. Until you can get out of there, tell him to "Stop it!" If he won't, then leave the room, leave the house. It's your life. You can take control of it again.
Good luck to you!
Welcome to the board hun....
The other two ladies are right & I agree with them.
Dear new friends,
Thanks to all of you for understanding and giving me good advice. I will try to get those books.
About my husbands ex-wife I think you are right, she was probably abused also by him, I never met her since she lives in another country but people told me some stories.
If I could I would get away from him. I just look around my house and see beyond his madness, I wish I could push him away and send him to find a life. why do we have to be the ones to put everything behind and start over again?
My parents are in a bad economic sitation for all their life and I am so scared of being in a bad economic situation my self with my childre. alghough I work in a good job my slaary is not that great, I need his permition if I want to do any savings or investing so actualy all I have is my salary which is not too much. He checks my bank account to see how much and what I spent on. The thing is that he is also cheap, he is affraid about spending money and hardly ever buys something for himself. we only go on vactions if they are subsidiced by work or workers organization.
Through the years I discovered his weeknesses and I try to use them in my advantage, it makes him look ridiculous in my eyes when he insults me or my children and deep inside I know that whatever he is saying is out his own fear. I think I came out of denial lately and it makes it so much harder, I say to myself what I am still doing here and how did I get to live like this, where is the young me with my dreams and goals in life.I think me and my children deserve better. How do you get the strengh to get up and star over again?
Of course you and your children deserve better.