He thinks I'm over-reacting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
He thinks I'm over-reacting
3
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 1:13pm

I'm probably going to be repeating myself, but I don't care right now. Sorry if you've heard this all before, but I've got to get it out again. I'm so freakin' angry and tired and have no idea where this is all heading.

For those who missed my earlier posts, I threw my H of 19 years out 2 weeks ago after he broke my physically handicapped son's arm. He didn't do it intentionally - it was totally reckless of him. But as far as I'm concerned, not caring for a handicapped little boy with all the care required is abusive. My DS8 has a right to be safe and not lose the use of any of his very few working body parts.

I had 2 long conversations with H over the weekend. First, he's considering taking a 2-year assignment in another country because it will sky-rocket his already successful career. WTF?????? He threw this out there like it was no big deal. I think he was trying to guage a reaction from; i.e. either "NO! please don't go I love you and want you here with me!!!" or "Go ahead," which would give him the freedom to leave and be able to feel guilt-free because I threw him out.

Although I've talked to him for years about how rough he is with DS8, he told me on Sunday that everytime I mentioned it it was with hostility and he just couldn't pay it any attention. Basically, I should have had a nice quiet and controlled heart-to-heart talk about it and listened to his thinking. Instead, when I saw him about to do something really stupid with my son, I would yell at him not to do it. He has always believed that we simply had "different parenting styles" and there was no reason to take me seriously. That, and the fact that I never stopped him from throwing my handicapped son around in a civilized tone of voice.

He also threw out there that I'm a recovering drug addict and he put up with an awful lot during that time and he stood by me, and I could I kick him to curb so quickly when he made a mistake. I tried to explain that at least in my mind we were dealing with 2 totally separate issues. I wasn't a 24/7 drug/alcohol user, I got into recovery before anything awful happened and I've been clean and sober for almost 3 years now. And even during my "using" periods I never hurt my children. My children aren't afraid of me. Granted, when I was "using" I wasn't home so much but I never put my kids in fear for their lives. They were much younger and just wanted to know what was wrong with mommy and why mommy wasn't home so much.

For anyone who remembers my first visit on this board, I threw him out about 5 years ago because he was raping me. It started earlier in our marriage whenever I didn't want to have sex he would huff and puff, try to change my mind, and eventually, years later, he just made me do it. I can remember crying during sex and him trying to get me to get into it with him. Sex has always been a very physical experience for him. Not much loving and sensitivity there.

He went for individual counseling for about 3 years and addressed the sex issues. To his credit, he hasn't touched me inappropriately or unwantedly since. And he's tried to use this as proof that he can be rehabilitated. The way I see it, though, the fact that he's leaving me alone now, but taking reckless changes with my DS8, is like switching from vodka to heroine to show that you're not an alcoholic. Nothing's gotten better.

And the bottom line is that I'm totally disgusted with him. How could I possibly look at a man who was so rough with a handicapped child!, for heaven's sake, that he broke his arm??? How can I respect this person again? And now I realize that it's not a difference in parenting styles, like he claimed. It's that I was right - he was too rough with my son, and he had absolutely no respect for my opinion?????

I'm exhausted. Thanks for listening. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 2:17pm

I think you're dead on with this, Mo.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 7:21pm
Abusers NEVER take responsiblity for their action, they never have and they never will.
5yrssm 
Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 12:02am
You are right he is just turning it around. I got mad if my ex was rough with the kids and he never even broke anything(think he is and always will be afraid of my mom in part) on my kids. The power and control is now going to the kids and I bet they will be glad if he leaves for a while. Good job throwing him out. Vent all you need and bless you dear. You are not over reacting to this and abusers never like to think that they are at fault. Just misunderstood. HUGS and Prayers to you dear and your ds.>Jo