need support and advice :(

Avatar for shloimele
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2005
need support and advice :(
2
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 1:16am

Dear Friends,

I am crying as I am writing this. I am feeling so upset. Last night my H was watching his favorite program "Law and Order" all the sudden i noticed that the subject was an emotionally abusive husband who controls his family. I could not help it but watch it myself. After reading the book "an emotionaly abused woman" and starting to understand my situation. when the show was over and the bad man was sent to jail I told my husband that it is not good to control your family and emusingly I said that he who controls his family like that could end up in Jail.
All this started an argument, of course, he said that he does not control anybody cause nobody listens to him and then listed sabjects that I was supposed to deal with but I didnt and he emphazises that I lie about them and I have been lieing to him for the last 17 years and the fact that my 16 years old daughter gained weight over the summer is my fault because I do not do anything about it. i told him that I dont lie to him and that he must be the lier since he blaimes everyone for lieing all the time. I tried to keep cool all the time I told him that I know that all this years he tried to convince me that I am things that I am realy not and that I have a tape recorder in my head of all the yeils and words that he uses constantly so he said "poor victim" and I told him that I am not saying it us a victim but as fact.
Then he used his ultimate weapon he said and I quote "I cant wait for the day that we can get a divorce and I sware that the day that I will find somebody else I will live you" I told him why dont you live now (something new for me I used to beg him to stay before) he said he wont live because this is his house. Then I told him that if this is his house and his family why doesnt he try to make it a better place and he said that as long as i live there it will not be a better place.
I dont now how exactly to take all this. It felt good to tell him what I think but this morning while I was driving to work and I listened to some songs I started to cry and I still feel like crying. I wanted to call him and try to talk to him about how I feel but I think that maybe if he knows that I am crying it will make him happy.
I wish I could live him but believe me it is very complicated. I put up with a lot of his crap but I think the hardest thing is listening to his words about finding somebody else while I do everything for him, cook for him, wash his close, clean the house, take care of the children, I just keep doing everything as if he loved me and cared about me. I am afraid that if I stop doing things for him as a punishment, things will get even worse.
He realy wont live because he does not do anything on his own, except screeming at people when he does not get what he wants. he does not like spending money and he likes showing people that he knows better than them. He apparently has dreams of finding somebody young rich and goodlooking, I think it is the 50th crises that men go through. I am 10 years yoounger than him. do you think man like this have a chance of finding someone else to put up with them? I feel like I am waisting my time and my years with him but I am traped in a complicated situation. plesae advice me on how to deal with this.

Thanks

a confused friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 11:31am
Hi, My heart goes out to you. I can totally understand where you are coming from. My Boyfriends fave show is Law and Order as well and sometimes when we watch it , I wonder if anything is sinking in. You say you read Emotionally Abused Woman. I haven't read that yet, but have read Emotionally Abused Relationship by the same Author. I loved that book, it really hit home with me. I have made notes all in it. My BF problem is he verbally abuses me. He put his hands on me one time, but appoligized profusely and it has never happened again. I told him if it did, I was gone. I would say one time is enough, but I honestly started that by slapping him. I was so angered at the time and it just happened. Anyway, there is another great book called Too Good To Leave To Bad To Stay. It really helped me as well. I say these books helped me, but I am still in the relationship, but they have helped me realize I deserve better and I am working on seperating myself from him financially so that if he does not do better, I can leave. As for me, I live with never knowing what kind of mood he is gonna be in and this reminds me a lot of growing up with an alchoholic Dad. I am at the point now where I am weighing the good and the bad. We all have to reach our level of what we will take on our own terms. I pray for you and wish you the best. Please feel free to e mail me or talk on the board. It is nice to have other people that you can relate to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 7:53pm

It's ok to cry and let out your emotions.

5yrssm