don't be me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
don't be me
7
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 5:45pm
When I was eighteen he told me he loved me and held me all night
Then he got mad and broke the windshield on my car
When I was nineteen I was pregnant and he told me we would be happy forever
Then he told me he had me now because I couldn't support myself
When I was twenty I had my first child and he was so happy to be a dad
Then he told me it was my job to take care of the baby and choked me when I was too tired to resist
When I was twenty-one I was pregnant again and he hoped for a boy this time
Then we had another girl and he broke his finger slamming his fist into the counter beside my head
When I was twenty-two I left him and he told me he would change
Then he fixed up his house and I went back -- he didn't change
When I was twenty-three I went back to school and he told me he would help
Then he broke my car's engine because I "was getting to big for my britches."
When I was twenty-four I got a job as a student worker
Then he laughed at me because I didn't have a "real job."
When I was twenty-five I graduated with an AA in early childhood education
Then he threatened to take the kids and go to England if I ever left him.
When I was twenty-six he started using drugs
Then he hit me and called me a stick in the mud because I wouldn't join him
When I was twenty-seven I bought a car all on my own
Then he wrecked it because I was too independent
When I was twenty-eight my brother committed suicide
Then he harrassed me all the way to the funeral because I couldn't drive good enough
When I was twenty-nine I got pregnant again
Then he told me maybe I could do it right this time and give him a boy
When I was thirty I had my last daughter
Then he went on a bender and had an affair with his best friend's wife
When I was thirty-one I got a full time job with benefits.
Then he told me I'd never make as much as him
When I was thirty-two I got a promotion
Then he told me I didn't really work as I sat at a desk all day
When I was thirty-three I told him if he ever hit me again I would leave him
Then he could see I meant it and he hasn't hit me again.
When I was thirty-four I knew the emotional and verbal abuse would never stop
Then he started on the two older kids with his verbal abuse
When I was thirty-five I bought a house and put it just in my name
Then he told me if he had bought a house it would be bigger and better than mine
When I was thirty-six I thanked God I had never married him, but knew if I left him he would kill me
Then he promised to quit using drugs -- but he never did
When I was thirty-seven my oldest daughter fell in love
Then he was the one everyone at the wedding congratulated for raising a wonderful daughter
When I was thirty-eight my oldest daugher had her first child
Then he told me her husband was wonderful as they got drunk together and put us both down
When I was thirty-nine I realized I hadn't helped my children by keeping my family together
Then he hired the man who had raped my middle daughter and told me he had to "keep family and business separate."
When I was forty I dreamed of running away to a new life
Then he left me alone and slept on the couch and I decided I didn't want to leave everything I ever earned behind
When I was forty-one my youngest daughter told me "Dad is an @sshole"
Then he told her she was turning into her mother and would be a $itch like me
Now I am forty-two and read these boards and wonder if I am abused
Then he ruins my weekend and I know I am
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 7:47pm
Thank you for sharing your words with us.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 8:48pm

I was a SAHM with no education outside of a high school diploma and a couple years of Cosmetology, I still don't have my driver's license and have been quoted as being one of the most self-reliant people some have met. I was not this self-reliant last year at this time, either. I have three kids, the eldest is going to be 10 in March. I was in and out of jobs and now I've landed one that would appear to be made just for me and it's a pretty good work atmosphere and something I could see myself doing

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 11:46pm

I would like to thank you both for responding. My life is nowhere near as bad as some of the stories I read on this board. Mostly he leaves me alone. He sleeps on the couch and lives in the garage. He gives me $800 a month and I pay all the bills. Everything is in my name. I own my own house (well with the bank, LOL), have a new car and a 4 runner that is almost paid off. My daughters are very good girls, well two of them are women now.

It just gets so lonely sometimes you know? I wish I had a normal relationship with a guy who was nice to me. I wish I could talk to him without wondering what his mood is like. I wish he didn't throw temper tantrums like a two year old. But he does and I have to deal with it.

Like on Sunday, his old computer wouldn't work the way he wanted and since I am in the computer field he came storming in so I could "teach" him how to copy more than one file at a time. So I told him click on the folder and copy the whole folder if you are trying to back up your computer. Well, I know how he is so I gave specific step by step directions but you know what I mean.

Anyway he starts storming around the living room, going, "you never have time for me. You never want to help me." So I go out to his garage to show him how. I get two windows open so he can drag files since he won't copy and he sits down and says, "stupid $itch. This isn't what I wanted you to show me."

So I have lots of practice with this and I tell him, "I am going to bed," and I leave. So he storms in the house about an hour later and wakes up my daughter and I. My daughter comes in to sleep with me cause then she feels safe.

The next morning I just leave for the day to a park and when I get home he is all, "I will barbeque. I love you. You treat me so mean. We don't even sleep together and look I bought steak and chicken for you."

Whatever. He will never grow up. I don't know. I know I have it a lot better than I used to. One day when my last daughter is grown I will leave. In the meantime I know I am stronger and smarter than him. But he is so violent, but so long as I stay we lead pretty much separate lives. It just gets lonely you know. Right now I have my married daughter and my second daughter is getting ready to graduate with her AS in comp sci and wants to marry her Air Force boyfriend. Then it will be just me and my 11 year old and when she leaves, I think I will just sell my house without him knowing and will disappear.

After all I have a bachelor's degree in MIS/Human Resources; I have passed all the tests to be an elementary school teacher and have all the classes done for that as well. I am well respected at my work force and am even chosen to be the trainer for the whole company.

But I know it is all a dream. One day I will be free. The day he dies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 7:02am

It's always great to see another woman in the computer field.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 10:42am
Hi gticantbeme...I just want you to know that you have more power than you think you do in this. You don't have to stay with him if you don't want to. If you were to leave him, some things would change, of course, but your losses wouldn't be too great considering your level of ownership and responsibility, but your gains would be tremendous. You would and your daughter would be happier than ever, and you both would be free. Those things are more important than the material things, they really are. Life is sooooo much better without an abuser. I also wanted to point out to anyone who's interested, that it is a fact that the father determines the sex of a baby, and not the mother. It always makes me sick to see these abusive idiots throwing fits and blaming the mother for having a girl when they are the ones who are responsible for the sex. Many abusers do this, unfortunately, as they view girls to be of less value. Idiots, the lot of them. My best to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 10:37pm

I got chills reading your post. I know from first hand experience how it it to live that way.

I had a child in high school, so fatherhood inmpressed me. When I was 19 he seduced me with his wisdom and devotion to his 2 children he was raising alone. When I was 20, he cheated on me and got someone pregnant. I had moved out, and went out with a friend one night. I should have listened to this big warning sign!! I came home and he was ranting about me being a whore and had to smell my undies. A few days later, he kicked the door in, and strangled me. When I was 21, he seemed to still love me, and seemed to have changed and we had a child. When I was 23 I left him again. My grandmother had died (she raised me), and he told me to "buck up." The nagging about my first son didn't cease. His kids had accused me of child abuse because I would actually make them do their homework and clean their rooms, unlike daddy. We broke windows, I hid the kitchen knives, and I prayed to god he would go pass out every single night.

He called for a few years and swore he had changed. Seemed like it to me. When I was twenty five, I desperatley needed a place for my dd to live, so we moved back. He then started hitting. He blackened the side of my head, and I had to call in to work. I got fired, and was stuck at home. He got me pregnant on purpose, and our son was born. The verbal abuse still haunts me. I am having trouble with dating because I started/still believe what he was saying. He later blackened my eye the night before my sons birthday party (Thanksgiving Day no less). It took me two months of praying to get out of there.

I found an income based apt. and left. I started school, which I had stopped for him. He sobered up and went to church for a while. I let him into my house to see the kids. A few months later, he was drunk again, and this time threw a chair at one of my step sons. He then took off and left them at home by themselves. He came to my house, and lied to me, so I told him to go to bed. He lost his kids to some viscious grandparents, stole my car, and raped me one night.

I have since moved again. I finished 2 Associates (in the IT field). I have 5 classes to get my Bachelor's. He ruined my life, and for that I hate him. Two weeks ago, he called and said that he had left town and I needed to get the kids pictures. He called back and asaked me to get his clothes. I cussed, and hung up, and that is the last I have heard from him.

I have since tried to reconeect with some OLD friends. And yet while I am happy to see them, I am scared to death he is going to catch me, and hurt one of them. I get approached by guys, and wonder if all the stuff he said is true, so it stops me from trying to start a relationship. I question myself at every turn in the road!

NOW, what else I do........

I make my kids laugh, and know that I will make sure they are safe. I have the freedom to pick up the phone, and talk to a girlfriend without his mouth insulting me. I leave the house without 1000 questions. I don't have to bring home a store reciept to prove I was there. I go to bed at night, anxious for a new day. We laugh and play, and listen to the crickets at night instead of the breaking of dishes. I have the chance to grow, and educate myself, and live the way I want to. I look back, and cry because I am not the person I was, but yet I love knowing I am strong enough to leave, and give my children the life they deserve.

I am only 28!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 11:14pm

***Okay, this is a bit long, but stay with me here, there is a point! LOL***


(((BigHugs)))


I'm just wondering....why wait till your dd is grown-up and out of the home before you leave? Being in an emotionally barren environment is very harmful to children. Plus, there's almost no way she could be happy there. Children end up much better off being from a broken home rather than living in a broken home. I know you said that you don't let it bother you anymore, and I'm sure that's the case. However, I'm sure it's hurting your dd in many ways. Just the fact that dad sleeps on the couch everynight is probably very upsetting and confusing for her. Yes, seeing her parents separating will hurt, however, it won't hurt any less just b/c she's not living at home. Please don't think that I am judging you, I do know how hard it is to leave, especially when there are children involved and when you've worked for everything that you have. However, you're teaching your dd that it's okay to let a man treat her the way her father treats you. This is all she has known, so she will grow up to think that this type of relationship is 'normal'. That was certainly the case for me. My father was horribly abusive, physically and emotionally. When my ex became abusive, I didn't even recognize it b/c that's what I knew to be normal. It took seeing a therapist for over a year to overcome that and leave. Children learn what they live. I'm sure you talk to her about this and tell her that it's not okay, but actions speak much louder than words for kids. She'll see that you are staying and putting up with it and whatever you've said to her will have no meaning. She'll just learn that while it's not okay, she still has to just put up with this treatment b/c she is a woman, that is her place and that is what's 'normal'. Is this what you want your sweet, wonderful DD to learn?


Again, I know it's hard to leave. Often we say to ourselves that we'll leave when this happens or that happens. Then, those things happen and we have another reason not to leave and we are stuck in this situation that much longer. I know you said it doesn't effect you, but one has to wonder if it is effecting you on some level.


I know how hard it is to leave material things and leave with kids because I did it. One saturday morning I just decided that I'd had enough and did not want my children to think that they HAD to live this way or that it was in any way okay to be treated like this or to treat others the way their father treated me. I took my two children, ages 3 and 20 months at the time, packed up and went to a shelter. I was five months pregnant at the time. This was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. The pain and lonliness I've dealt with has been close to unbearable. The stress is unimaginable. There had not been any physical abuse in quite some time, but the emotional/verbal abuse was worse, I'd rather be hit. Emotional/verbal abuse is very very real and very very damaging. My ex was making very good money. I was supposed to be getting a brand new Chevy Tahoe the next Monday since we

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