Need help for my sister.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Need help for my sister.
2
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 4:51pm

I have known for a while now that my sisters boyfriend has been extremely abusive towards her. What I would like to ask of all of you is some help. I don't know what to say to her sometimes or how to help her. Allow me to shed some light on why I think she is being abused.
First when they started dating (about 2 months in) he would get drunk and call all the males in her phone telling them not to call her and to leave her alone. mind you that these were men that some of them she hadn't talked to in months.
Then on a night that we were having a halloween party he BLEW up at her and told her she was a B**ch.
After that it slowly progressed into yelling at her almost everytime he was extremely drunk. (BTW I know that this man has a drinking problem and so does she..... but she thinks she can *help* him)
A couple months later he hit her and threw her into her hope chest leaving a scar the full legnth of her nose.She at that time told him he had to move out and so he did with no problems.... other than the fact that he would call and say how sorry he was and promise to never do it again... SHE TOOK HIM BACK!
She knows that him hitting her isn't ok..... the problem is that she thinks that IF he stops drinking everything will be fine... He has only touched her when he is drunk.

Is it possible that it is ONLY the alchohol?

Now we are at a time when I KNOW FOR A FACT that he hit her several times last week... A couple of his friends had to pull him off of her.
She said that she has talked to him since then and he says that he isn't going to drink anymore (which is great for him but not the ROOT of the problem)

At what point should I maybe step in? She knows that I think she should stay away from him and that him and her need some time to reflect and take care of themselves...
She thinks that his drinking is the only problem... and that he will be better WITHOUT even giving it 2 or 3 weeks to see how he does on his own.

I dunno..... I just need help.. so that I can try and help her... Any words of wisdom???

T

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 5:01pm

Abusers always promise that they will change, however, often times than not, they really don't.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 11:26pm

Take the girl, and leave!!~!

From personal experience, this has extremely bad potential. And NO, it is not the alcohol. The alcohol only brings it out of him. If this guy gets sober, eventually he will feel this again.

The only thing I can tell you is make sure she knows she has a way out. I took my ex back several times, after several beatings. There is a "hold" on her somehow, and you need to find out what it is.

Is it her age? Children? Lack of self esteem? Lack of awareness? Financial Dependancy on the Guy? Fear of Leaving? Or (in my situation)could it be a total commitment theory. I just wanted him to love me. I thought I could change him. And I swore to myself I would change him!!! A gun to my temple changed that.

I wish my sister would have stepped in. It's hard to get through the outer core of an abuse victim, but showing her a solution and that there are opportunities other than him will make a big difference. And make sure to be there for her whenever she needs you. It is hard to break that cycle, but it can be done.