I talked to my sister....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
I talked to my sister....
3
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 1:05pm

I talked to my sister last night... She told me that he said that he wasn't drinking anymore, and that he was going to get help for the anger also.... I think she is ready to take him back again. She was talking last night about how wonderful he was being and how he was sorry and will get help. I'm so scared that this is the classic *honeymoon* phase and it will be only a matter of time before it happens again. My gut tells me that he will start to get help and once he knows that he has her completely pulled back in he won't continue with the promises that he has made to her.

I talked to someone from the domestic abuse hotline yesterday shortly after I posted on this website. I'm seriously feeling horrible. The only real ties that she has to him are *emotional* they no longer share a home, they have no children no financial responsibilities together, just this incredible emotional hold on her... She claims that she isn't even *afraid* of him, only afraid of never loving someone the way she loves him..

I talked to her about the fact that her son knows who gave her the scar on his face, and she said he seems ok... Wouldn't getting back together with him maybe give her son the impression that it is ok to hurt someone the way she was hurt. Isn't it possible that he is to young to understand the entire situation and he might later look back and remember his mom black and blue.

I know that there isn't anything I can really say to her directly other than the fact that I am worried about her and I am here for her if she needs me. Also am I hurting her more by keeping her secret? I'm here on this site because I also have noone to talk to, I'm keeping her secret so that she will continue to trust me.

Any advise?
T

 

New siggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 3:12pm
The best thing to do for her is just simply be there.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:48pm

The only thing I know to say (from personal experience) is to make sure she knows, for a fact, that you are there - day or 3 am. This is what helped me, but think about it before hand.

Now, time for manipulation. The man does it to her, you can to!!! You need to be her best friend...not her sister. Get her to talk about the small stuff, and build up the trust that you aren't trying to change the situation. You have to LISTEN, and make her feel in control of her and her sons life. The power abusers' have is unreal. I know I wanted to stay because everyone thought he was such a bad guy, and I wanted to prove them wrong. I had told myself I was not going to give up, and I didn't, until one almost fatal night. It took that much of abuse to get me to see clearly. And I had a friend that listened, but didn't preach. She showed me how I could get out (in an inconspicuios way) and it wsnt 3 months I left.

This worked for me, so Maybe it will help your sis. If I were you, I would talk to her and make sure she doesnt think you are judging her. Make her feel in Control, and then you just have to pray. Make sure you don't give her any reason to feel safer with this guy than she does with you!!

I would suggest a vacation, if it is in your budget. It wasn't in mine, and I am paying for it to this very day. every time I left for a few days, I knew things eren't right. I knew it would get worse the longer I put off leaving him.

Even have a night at your place if possible, and make sure you have a good time! Watch her favorite movie, or a hilarious comedy and remind her of how it feels to be normal and laugh!!! Grab a babysitter, and take her out. Try to show her (slowly) that there are opportunities waiting on her. And if she won't listen, don't try to badger her with it -- it will only make her more clingy to the guy.

This whole post brings back all to many memories for me. A lot of these old feelings I am still fighting through. I am not a religous person, but you and your sis are in my prayers. And please, please make your presence known.

I hope this can help!

Shannon

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 10:07pm
You sound like an amazing friend/sister. It makes me realize how much support I have and how patient my friends are being with me at this point. The part you said about just getting away for a few days makes so much sense, every time I leave for a day or two I know exactly what I should do, then I come home. I come home and I feel guilty. One of my close friends truly understands me, she went through a situation that was probably alot worse than mine, I feel guilty even talking to her about what I am putting up with after how strong she was to get out. Anyhow, you had some great advice and she is lucky to have you.....