is it me..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
is it me..
5
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 9:43am

I have been married just under a month now. My husband is still up to his old ways. I thought he stopped. it was wonderful this past year. Now that we are married he has gone backwards. He calls me horrible names and then when he says things like "the relationship is over now", he acts like he didn't say it the next day. He makes me feel like crap, like it is all my fault, like I am the one with emotional problems. And he's probably right. Maybe I shouldn't cry when he calls me names or act like a total ass. He's never said "I love you". Not once ever. I have been asking him if he loves me and he says yes. But he can's say "I love you". I've asked him why and he says. "we don't have the same beliefs and I won't be forced to say it". He says I'm dillusional. Maybe I am. Wouldn't a man who loved me say "I love you". Especially a man who just took vows not too long ago. He puts all the blame on me. He says "look at what you're doing to me. Why are you doing this. I want to stay. I don't want to move out and blah blah blah... When I try to tell him that I do love him and that I want it to work, but we need counseling, he cuts me off and says I dont want argue.

I do love him, but he makes me feel like I will never find a man that can be as wonderful as him. And he is wonderful until the next time he makes me feel like this. He says that he'd do anything in the world for me. Then why does he make me cry and why can't he say those words.

We refinanced MY house together for $140,000 and the deed was put in his name. We paid off the original house loan (85,000)and used the rest of the money to pay off HIS credit cards (none of mine). Now he says he is moving out on 10/07/05 (yet he says I kicked him out, but I only told him that I cant live like this and WE need to have counseling) The mortgage payment is now $1200.00/ month. he says that since he is leaving, i have to pay the entire thing. and he won't be responsible since the marriage license was never sent in, so we are not actually married. I am heartbroken. It's like he used me to pay off his credit cards and I'm stuck in this. may be I should pack up my daughter (from a previous relationship) and find an apartment. This is the lowest point in my life. He's making me feel like I could have prevented it. Maybe I could have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: star1998
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 10:32am

Welcome to the board Star.....


First of all I can see A LOT of red flags in your post.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
In reply to: star1998
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 10:56am
Should I just give up then and accept him leaving. I know his pattern and I know that he wants me to beg him to stay. And then he will be sweet and romantic and act like nothing happened. This is draining the life out of me. Is there not one ounce of hope for a man like this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: star1998
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 11:12am

I can tell it's emotionally draining.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
In reply to: star1998
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 11:36am

No, there is absolutely no chance this guy is going to change. Good riddance to him! He's horribly abusive to you. Please check out these books "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

There are so many things wrong with this guy it's hard to know where to start! First...he won't say, "I love you." That's really messed up! There's just no way that there's any good explanation for that except that he's a creep and someone all women should steer clear of.

You said that "I do love him, but he makes me feel like I will never find a man that can be as wonderful as him." Please, please call a domestic abuse shelter and ask them to recommend a counselor to you. That guy is not wonderful. If he were, he never ever would have called you horrible names. You deserve better than that. You deserve to be with a man who can say, "I love you." You deserve to be treated with respect.

Your husband will manipulate you & lie to you & make you doubt yourself in order to get control over you. He'll be nice only when it benefits him to do so. And make no mistake that it will only get worse, much worse, if you stay with him.

Don't let him get to you. Don't believe any of the garbage that comes out of his mouth. You're not delusional. He's just one messed up abuser.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: star1998
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 1:45pm

----We refinanced MY house together for $140,000 and the deed was put in his name. We paid off the original house loan (85,000)and used the rest of the money to pay off HIS credit cards (none of mine).----

So you refinanced YOUR house together, that I assume you had equity in and then he talked you into putting the house in his name and using the money from the refinancing to pay HIS credit cards?

Get thee to a lawyer quick. It doesn't seem to me that he can just take your house and use your equity to pay off his debts and then be married less than a month and just want to leave. It sounds like a scam if he really does this. I agree get rid of him, but file a civil law suit if you can as well. At least talk to a lawyer. Many lawyers will do a free consultation. Yes, you may not have as much if you have to pay lawyer's fees, but right now it sounds like you lose your house and he gets his credit cards paid off and gets the house. It just isn't right.

GT I can't be me.