New and Could use your Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2005
New and Could use your Help.
2
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 10:00pm

Hi. I have been roaming around this message board for a few days now. I have said a few things, but nothing monumental or anything. I don't know exactly how or when my life became like this. I guess its a cliche but in the beginning everything was wonderful. We were happy. Then he started yelling a lot more and one day he hit me and it never really stopped. I do not know when I became the person that tried to hide cuts and bruises with exessive amounts of cover up. Or wear long sleaves and scarfs in the summer. No amount of cover up or clothing can hide the damage though. I am so angry with myself for putting up with it. It is like there is some wall that I cannot get past to just leave. I have said that I would leave before, but never did. I gave up everything for him. My parents and I barely talk anymore. My mom was right, I married a horrible person and I guess these are the consequences I deserve. I always did have to do things the hard way. I always fall into the moments where it seems to get better, when really its not at all. I just want control of my life again and I don't even know where to begin to get it back. I mean I live a lie and I am having an affair. Which is going down the drain by the way because he found out about how my husband treats me. We fight about it everytime we are together.

What happens after you leave? Could I just pack a suitcase and move away? What would happen to my husband? Could I get a divorce? I just want my family back, I want my life back, most of all I just want me back.

Anything would help.

A.R.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 10:21pm

Welcome, A.

I hope I have enough brainpower to hit the important points. You absolutely do not deserve this. It is not our fault that our abusers go out of their way to con us and reel us in. It is simply, squarely their fault.

I'm not at all surprised that you're having an affair, given the way you're being treated. Be very careful. Not only will you be in greater danger if the H finds out, but when we're so beaten down, we're susceptible to other abusers.

You certainly can leave and get a divorce, but make sure the abuse is documented and consider a restraining order. If you feel safe with an RO, you could make him leave.

Whatever happens to your husband is going to be better than what would happen to you if you stayed. I don't mean to sound harsh, but he doesn't care about the harm he does to you. You're justified in not caring what harm he does to himself.

Please take care of you. I wish you the very best - keep us posted

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 10:58pm
A good friend of mine has always said, "we do the best we can with what we have at the time", and you cannot beat yourself up for trying to do what you thought was right at the time. You obviously feel differently now, and that is okay, it is not your fault. It is not okay to be hit, it is not okay to be scared. I don't know your mom, I don't know if she was trying to make you feel bad or trying to protect you, it doesn't matter anymore who "should have known better", he should have known better. He should have known not to hit you, not to make you cover your bruises. Please, please, please, if you get anything out of this board, please start believing that you will be fine, that you are strong and this is NOT your fault...... I've heard this before, leaving does not happen as a moment, it is a process, it takes time. That is what I am trying to learn also, and I will also be here to support you in the decisions you make.......