More Validation please?
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 09-17-2005 - 10:11am |
Hi All!
I posted on Wednesday asking you all for validation. I am the one with the boyfriend that hangs up on me, cusses me out, makes me cry, we think he broke in, etc.
I have not had a melt down in a while. I went to dinner last night with friends and was looking around and realized I used to be a couple and just could not take it. I got in my car to come home and called my Mom. I basically cried to her that I am sad and lonely and she kept drilling into my head, what do you want HIM? He is an abuser, he is toxic. You need to get the poison out of your system. I was and am sad that he has not acknowledged what he has done to me, that it is all about him. I guess it is a natural process and I got home, put on my PJ's and decided to watch a movie.
Before I turned the movie on, I checked my email, and he sent one at about 7:30 pm.
Here is what it said:
Your silence is telling.
I hope you are happy
I love you
Now, he has not called me since he last hung up on me but has been sending the strange emails and flowers. HELP!! Is this a part of the game to make me break and go to him???
I am feeling like I am hurting him like he has hurt me in the past. Do I owe it to him to tell him I just can't take his abuse anymore? Do I owe it to him to tell him to get help? I used to love him very much.
Maybe everything I am feeling is just the death of this relationship. I don't know. Maybe it is the silence. At the same time, I do not remember the last time we had laughed. So I know it is not healthy. I know that. HELP!! DO I just keep my silence???
I am scared to talk to him anyway because I can't be like I love you, I know all that will come out is don't you get it??? and he will take it as nagging, putting him down, attacking him and it will just get ugly. All a no win no win situation.
Grrrrrr. Why am I so screwed up???

Hello,
You're going to be alright. What you're feeling is what we all feel when a relationship ends. It hurts, and we miss what we had or what we thought we had. And, of course, we second guess ourselves into paralysis.
His creepy email reminds me so much of my ex. I swear I had to read your very first post again to make sure they weren't the same guy.
Please don't respond to him at all. You don't owe him a thing. He's working on you really hard now because he knows his control is slipping.
Can you block his emails? Change to a different email account? It's better not to give yourself a chance to fall backwards.
Give it time. The pain will eventually fade, and you'll feel strong again.
Remember, these guys don't change. If you tell him he's abusive, he's most likely going to turn the tables on you and accuse you of being abusive. I made that mistake with my ex. Don't give him any more ammunition. The safest thing to do is to have no contact with him at all.
Thank you so much.
It helps to hear someone else has went through this and what mistakes not to make.
I can't block his emails, but I can send them to a different folder.
Knowing him though, he probably wil not make contact again because he is now "wronged" and since he is such a great guy, if I want him no, I will have to prove it, blah blah.
I just read through some of his old emails and I just don;t get how such a mean soul can be so justified by his actions and words. It boggles me and it boggles me that I took it for so long.
This board is wonderful. Thanks. I am stopping the madness FOR ME. I am going to have those moments mourning what I THOUGHT my relationship was, and just have to realize my thoughts were not my reality and get it in check.
HAs anyone moved on after being with a headcase and really found a GOOD GUY???????????
Do they exist? Next time, first red flag, I am outta there!!! Even though next time seems impossible now.
Hon, it's early yet, too early for him to give in. But yes, keep up the silence; it's working. If it weren't, he wouldn't be working you. Which altogether stinks.
Thank God for your mom. I'd suggest calling her while you're calm, keeping it light, but letting her know that dose of reality she gave you was great and you may need more in the future.
Yes, it is sad, pathetic and frustrating that they don't admit what they've done. We need to chew on that only long enough to say, "That's the way they are and they're hopeless," and then let it go.
It's best that you not open his emails unless you think he may threaten you. Delete them unread. Yes, he's trying to hook you. The flowers - you could either refuse delivery or drop them at a hospital on your way home. You feel like you're hurting him because he wants you to believe that. Starve the guilt to death. You see right through him and that is brilliant. Hang in there. We're here.
The thing is, you're absolutely right, you're in mourning right now, you're in mourning because you realized that the sweet shy guy you fell for didn't exist. That is certainly a death of a sort.
And your epiphany in the restaurant may have had less to do with him and more to do with the fact that, as women, we are so conditioned to feel like failures for not being in a relationship. But mejor sola que mal acompanada -- better alone than badly accompanied.
And there are sweet guys out there who don't turn into abusers. It took me 15 years of dating guys who treated me shabbily (including one who was a classic abuser), and a lifetime of dealing with a very verbally abusive father and brother, which led to weight problems and continually feeling worthless, before saying I've had enough and pulling myself together and finally getting into a functional relationship with a good man, ironically once I had given up on finding anyone at all.
And I still, after four years, feel surprised and grateful when he doesn't use what I say as ammo, when he compliments me instead of insults me, when he strokes me with both hands instead of stroking me with one and slapping me with the other (I mean this in a metaphorical way). And for never telling me I am oversensitive for getting upset.
There is hope. You're not bad, you just came across the path of the wrong guy.
Take care,
--Fran
Hi:
I have spent the day thinking, reading O magazine in the sun, took a nap.
The phone didn't ring 50 times today. No one has hung up on me in SIX DAYS. I have not been called a name in 6 days. No one heard me cry and made me cry harder in six days.
I am going to a party for Katrina relief tonight and no one will tell me that guy is flirting with you and you like it.
No one will make me scared to look fabulous tonite to divert attention from me.
I won't be embarrassed and will be with my friends because they hate him and I decline being with them when he is around.
I will spend tomorrow with my family at the beach, instead of hiding from Mom and Dad my puffy eyes and shot nerves from a night/week of fighting.
I will sleep diagnol on MY bed with MY dog and cat in the bed.
I will start another work week on Monday that will be productive, successful and blessed because there will not be pure evil and hateful words in my ear when I go to sleep or when I wake up.
I will take this time to heal my heart, my poor body that's tummy always hurts, my spirit that has bad dreams at night. I actually had nightmares of OTHER people screaming at me in my sleep because he hasn't done it in 6 days. Time to work out, quit chain smoking, heal, forgive and not forget myself for allowing me to go through this.
Most importantly, I will continue no contact and pretend he has been banished to another PLANET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you all, I appreciate you listening, I am grateful for your words and will probably still lean on you in the future. God Bless!
SS
Hi honey -
Wish beat me to the punch here, but yes, I have a guy who is absolutely amazing. Here's the update I posted on Thursday (I just passed three years since I got out):
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25410.1&ctx=128
Aside from me, CL-Tracytrebilcox on our sister board has her chemist she has chemistry with, one of the former CLs here, Jeepgirl2, got remarried last year, and another former poster, Irishgrrl, just got remarried six weeks ago or so. It happens, but you need time. And not just a couple of months. It was well over two years before I even felt ready to date again, and almost another year to find someone.
Redirect all of his freaky little messages to the trash folder. Consider changing your cell and home numbers (if you state you are being harrassed, they should do it on the spot and free of charge). Your last post sounds really good and positive. Just remember you will have bad days. Let yourself have them.
Please, if you haven't already, contact your local DV shelter and inquire about counseling. It will be extremely beneficial.
Just relax and take it one day at a time.
What Brian Weitz is to Animal Collective, Barry Melrose is to mayonaisse.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi all:
Well the weekend went without a hitch. No bullying, crying or stress. Had several sad moments but got over them.
I keep replaying our old fights in my head and our last fight and how it made me feel.
I keep reminding myself that my family and friends do not want me with him.
I keep reading the journals I kept after he would hang up on me and scream at me and make my cry so hard.
I keep reminding myself that he is not here for me when I am hurt, sad or scared.
I keep reminding myself that he would see my tears and fear of him and would just keep going.
Today is hard. I have been crying here and there. I don;t miss his abuse, but I miss him when he is nice to me. 10 minutes ago I went to take the dog for a walk and on my doorstep is another present. The card says I miss you, Love, HIM. and it is a collection of books that I guess are love stories.
My insides hurt. I am pissed that I am almost 36 years old and I feel like a high school girl with a broken heart.
I want to email him and say LEAVE ME ALONE, GET HELP, GET BETTER, WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH? Why now are you doing this????? On top of it all, no apologies for the cruel words. I know he is avoiding it, hoping time will heal my wounds, but it is just going to happen again. How do I make him realze it CAN NOT happen again?????
How do I get rid of this knot in my chest and this sadness. The more time I am away from him the more I start to forget how bad it was. I am trying to keep the image of myself looking in the mirror the last time he made me cry and hurt me. My face was red and swolen and so sad.
I miss him. How sick am I???????