I really need some supportive comments
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 09-17-2005 - 10:39am |
Hello,
Its been 3 years or so since I last posted and boy am I glad you guys are still here. I feel a bit guilty having thought I was healed from the abuse I had undergone in my ex marriage and have only popped in here to help out a few times. But the first thing I thought of this early morning after having another argument with my new bf, was to rush over and post a message.....just because I know that you guys are the only ones who can truly understand the cycle and how hard it is to break it once its on a roll with someone new or old for that matter.
There is an entire story behind my sadness and complete loss of self respect but I just want to say a few things to get it off my chest and hopefully get a few kind words of encouragement from the true sisters and brothers who really know my heart even if they never met me or heard of me before in their lives. Because a heart wounded by abuse is one we here all share...the same hurtful words, the same shouts of disrespect, the heavy blow to our self esteem and self worth and sometimes blows to our bodies. Since it is a long story, I will keep it to the short version focusing on my feelings right now since thats whats more important than the painful details.
I have been with someone new for about 8 mths now after trying to recover from my 7 yr marriage to my ex husband who was a real winner. I knew from the get go that this new guy was attractive to me like a magnet not because he was good to me but because he had that thing......that thing I dont yet understand about how we keep being drawn to abusive types. I thought I was good at spotting out the flags, and I did try for the first few months of knowing him (he is my neighbor...I know horrible) to avoid his come ons, until one day I gave in and its been an emotional roller coaster ever since. Your typical passive agressive, mean hurtful comments masked as jokes, the being told you are too sensitive, dont cry its irritating bit. And many more of those verbally abusive comments behaviors. Now he hasnt hit me yet, but he has almost killed me with his words and cold body movements that say you are worthless, mean nothing and will never be loved.
After trying so hard to win the approval and love this man I clearly know can not love or can not provide a healthy relationship for me or my 2 kids, I basically feel completely empty from trying. I tried leaving and moving on many many times and feel sick with failure, because he only whoos me back in with I love yous and you are wonderful ( not really apologizing or talking things out to resolve them)....and damn it I fall for it every time....even though I know he is like a bad drug, he is NO good for my life and my soul....I am very clear on this from the therapy work I have done but still I havent been able to stop the cycle with him.I am at a total loss of myself. I just spent a night begging my BF to hold me when all he did was push me and call me horrible names to make me go away......but instead I found the more he tore away at my spirit the more I wanted his love and approval. I clung to every word.....letting them cut me like knives....I didnt want it to end this way.....or did I want it to end at all?....or am I just scared to death to let go when I know I should. It was so disgusting to sit in my body last night, like the many other nights he has shot me down.
He left for work this morning.....he was so angry from last night but still rolled over to have sex with me before walking out the door. He felt me completely sad and empty....but said nothing and made not a peek of eye contact. Like a dummy, desperate for some human kindness, I apologize for my portion of the argument and say I love you.....he says nothing and walks away.....
Please guys say that I can somehow find a way to leave with dignity....the thing is I have been trying to end this stupid thing with him for months. just this last week I was really working on my exit speech, what I should say, when and how. Trying to balance my emotions, intuition and find my sense of self, so that I could leave him with self respect and confidence, not fear of the pain of leaving him. I am so afraid of watching him pass by and missing him or seeing him with someone else....because there is something still sick inside me that can still feel like i love and care for someone when they have shown me no true respect since day one of the relationship...Why is this, why cant I move ahead from all that has happened in my life, all the abuse and neglect.....I just want to see with clear eyes and feel with a healed heart. Its so discouraging to me...how I ended up in this situation once again.
My ex was so hard to leave because I was afraid of him hurting us, but this is different, I am afraid to leave because I am afraid I will miss him too much, despite the verbal and emotional abuse. Why? Why would I be afraid of this and miss this? Help me understand so I can process this and find a way to let go. I am just so desperate and my new friends just dont seem to understand the logic in my reasoning and why I cant stop this. I try to explain that Its like I am a drug addict.....but they still dont truly understand. I guess I dont truly understand either but HAVE to know that I can do this, I can regain myself and walk with pride despite the disrespect I have just endured over the last 8 mths and especially last night which was the worse yet. He says its over...if thats true, then its one problem solved, but what can I say to myself to not feel so stupid like I am a diamond disguised in a heap of trash that has just been dumped because right now, that is exactly how I feel.
Thank you for reading my long read.....and I ask for any help you can give:)
aarjas

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand the fear and the confusion. I still occasionally miss my ex, too, and he was just awful. It doesn't make any sense, and that's what we have to accept. What we feel for these guys doesn't make any sense, so the best thing to do is to not try to figure it all out while we're in the midst of it. We just need to get out of it.
You can do it. It's going to be hard, and it will be lonely, and you'll hurt, but when is anything good in life ever easy? It's going to take some hard work, and you've got to be committed to it. It's just like a drug addiction. You've got to decide to stop, and then stop.
I think the drug addiction analogy is a really good way to think of it. Alcoholics can't drink a drop of alcohol or they end up falling off the wagon. The same goes for abusive relationships. Just a conversation with the guy, an email, a glance from afar, and off we go. We have to be strong. It ain't easy, but it's the only way.
Keep on posting. There is a whole lot of help here for you.
Thank you very much.......I didnt even think about that.....Things dont always need to be figured out. Things often just need to be nipped in the bud. I think today, to get my THROUGH at least today, I will mantra or try to be robotic about it. Do you think that would be healthy....just if I dont allow myself to think too much about him or what happened or feel it but just say to myself "This is not worth it, time to move on and let go". I think thats actually how I was able to get through the stress of my divorce. I forgot about how mechanical I was....living daily just to get through it because if I didnt, then I broke down.
Thank you for the advice and that reminder.
Aaras:)
Your exit speech kind of jumped out at me, hon. If you were dealing with a normal person who might want to understand what he did wrong, he would deserve a final discussion on his way out the door. But he knows and will never admit it. He will keep you talking and make you crazy until you submit. It sounds like you still have your own places, so you can either dump his stuff on his front steps or call the police to escort him inside to get his things. It's going to be hard to maintain no contact if he's your neighbor, but it can be done. If you can stop his drama, you can kick his assets.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but glad you felt you could come and talk to us. Many of us have had multiple abusers. Don't be ashamed, be proud that you see it. You've learned more than most people will ever fathom about abuse. And you can defeat it.
Huge hugs and prayers. Keep us posted.
Just one more thing: call a shelter and start seeing a counselor. They can provide you with the specific support and patience you need right now. You need someone who deeply understands. Take care.
Thank you. Now these are the reminders I need to hear...the things I forgot and cant remember to tell myself. It is true about the communication. I have the problem of going over stuff over and over trying to get him to see why I feel hurt or why its not making our relatiomship work but he either turns the tv up, tells me to shut up or really tells me in a very angry voice how irritating I am and how those are my issues and to deal with them. I do have that same ole feeling of never feeling like things are resolved and that there is always an underlying discomfort between us. Its not the worry that he is going to have a rage attack like my ex husband but more a worry that something is not feeling right...secrets....hidden stuff and no communication is aloud about them or he gets very angry and verbally abusive. I always sit and take it just like i used to before and I hate that....I want to tell my feet to walk away...but I sit there and take it...begging for some understanding but getting nothing but emotional blows.
Thank you so much. I am actually starting a new therapist next week. I was working with one for a while before but she was a intern and i didnt quite get the full deep understanding of my issues and how to heal them. We only talked about the topical stuff....but I couldnt get to my roots. I am really hoping by doing so, that I can finally prevent this from happening to me ever again.
Aarjas
Aarjas:
I just posted for the firset time on this board this week. My posting is looking for validation. Maybe you can read my story too and know you are not alone.
I am on day SIX of leaving my emotional and verbal abuser.
The last time I talked to him, it was on the phone. I was crying so hard and saying, please please I love you, stop this fighting, I need a hug, please come over and just hold me, stop this. He said, you need a hug, you know where I am in a cold and hurtful way. I then told him I had three beers and can't drive, please please just come over end this madness, he said take a cab if it's that important and hung up.
I understand when the crap happens he doesn't apologize and acts all lovely. That is the sickness. My ex, that night that he dd above, started emailing me I love you, I just don't know how to deal with my frustrations, blah blah, sending flowers this week, love notes.
Take this for what it is, but On Sunday night I decided to NEVER NEVER Talk to him again. I ignore the emails, flowers and cards. This morning I posted I am hurting him, SO WHAT!!!! He does not acknowledge the hurt he has administered on me. He is not human.
Some part of me FEELS GOOD, that I am shutting him out of my life. HE does not deserve my tears. YES, it is hard. But do you know what I think I miss? I think I miss being put down and screamed at!!!!!!! SICK!!! That was the attention I got from him, the hamster wheel went round and round, same ol same ol. I BROKE THE PATTERN. I TOOK CONTROL AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!!!
Like I said this is just day six, I have told my family and friends EVERYTHING he has done. Take your control back. I too have been plotting this for a while and thank GOD I did it and please God et me stick to it.
You can do it. Be happy alone instead of miserabe with him. RE-LEARN to hug yourself.
I am sending you that hug he denied right now.
SS
wow, that sounds so familiar...its the exact same pattern....the I love you I hate you thing with it all being your fault for their behavior right? I hear your story and I cry. I cry for you and I cry for me. I am proud of you....jeez I have tried so so many times to end this relationship and thought each time....THIS IS IT. But I only failed myself. I know the biggest reason for going back is that he lives right next door to me. I have been going back and forth for months on whether to move or not. Some people say..BE STRONG and battle your pattern and fight it head on because if you dont, you will find it in someone else and repeat it.
But at the same time. Its so hard, the pain of seeing him in the hall, or his car in the driveway...hearing him walk up his stairs. Its terrible. I dont want to move because Its so expensive and I just moved here 1 yr ago. Plus I like my place and I dont want to move the kids anymore, they have moved 3 times since the divorce already. I just dont know how I will be able to ignore my doorbell and not feel jolts of severe pain when he brings another women home...which wont be long since he was a multi women kinda guy with lots of so called women friends always comming over before we got together.
What do you think? Do you think if your ex was living next door, would you feel as determined and as strong? I think you have so much power inside your heart already in finally stopping the relationship for 6 days......I think after a mth, you will be pretty darn strong on your feet (remembering from my last 2 endings of relationships) there is no turning back for you and I am happy. It gives me inspiration. Thank you.
Aarjas