is this abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
is this abuse?
3
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 1:10pm


i posted previously on the depression board about how my husband refuses to move back to my home state where i can solve our financial problems by getting back into my field. right now i have a part time job that i do not like and all my money goes to bills and food. i spend very little on myself. my husband buys me lots of gifts. and he has told me if i ever need money to just ask him. yet when i do, i get an attitude everytime. the other day we were going on a day trip antiquing. i told him i was almost out of gas and i don't get paid for week and didn't have enough to fill my tank. well you would have thought i asked him to move a mountain! he says to me "i figured you would need money" really snotty. i was very hurt. it was his idea to go on this trip taking my car bc my gets better gas mileage. i was hurt and i told him so and his reply, "sometimes you act like i have an endless supply of money" mind you i was aking for gas money not money to buy a fur coat. then the other day i came home and was thinking about our money situation at work. my husband asked me what was wrong and i told him and he said don't worry about the money let him worry. so i just replied "i can't help it sometimes" and under his breath he says "well i am the only trying to help it" i was so hurt. and his excuse is always "i'm tired i don't know what i'm saying" i could easily fix our money problem if he would quit being so stubborn and move. if i went home i could get back into IT and triple my salary. so basically he won't move but it's my fault we are struggling. i don't know what to do anymore. he buys me stuff and then the next minute he's saying hurtful things. he works overtime and acts like it's "his money." while i put all my paycheck into our bills and groceries. he refuses to use his OT to pay anything but has money to waste on crap.
i'm at my wit's end here. any advice?


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: bigred1973
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 1:43pm

Welcome to the board bigred...


I too am in the IT field so it's always good to see another woman doing the IT thing.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
In reply to: bigred1973
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 2:04pm
how do you know if it's abuse and noy just an occasional slip up? I was engaged to an abusive man who threw furniture at me and called me names. My sister-in-law is married to a bullying drug addict who has slapped her and yells at her constantly. Those are abusive situations. My husband is different. He's sarcastic and laughs at me. He doesn't seem to trust my judgment in some matters. He makes my career second to his. He gives me a hard time about money. He yells at times about stupid things. He has never hit me and I know he loves me. He's gentle in other ways and calls me all the time to say I love you when I am working. He is not jealous at all. one thing he said to me will always stick in my mind but I don't know if it is a reason to break up....I had just lost my job and was upset. I said, "Man I wish I was dead." out of just desperation. Then I said, "I want to move back home and get a decent job." He said the 2nd ocmment upset him a lot and didn't say anything about the first! That will always bother me. What do you guys think? I am tired of having money fights and putting up with his whining. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: bigred1973
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 7:25pm

Hi hon -


Your situation, while not violently abusive, is still abusive.

CL-Blueliner4