Bit of a rant.... nothing major
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 09-20-2005 - 8:25pm |
Sorry, this is long..... First off, I appreciate all that everyone contributes and feel guilty for still posting about "what to do" when I feel that by now I know what to do, I'm just not doing it..... Things have been fine here now for a couple of weeks, I know, typical. My H came home a couple of weekends ago claiming that he had told one of his friends about everything that had happened with us, including the choking and knife incident. He said that he realized he had been being "complacent" and just hadn't believed that I was going to leave him, but, that he believed it now. Said he just had a hard time thinking that I would put up with anyone treating me badly because when we met I was such an independent and strong person, that he didn't realize how much he scared me, etc. Deep down, I know this is all bull****, but, my heart wants to believe otherwise. I wish I could pull that heart out sometimes:( Most importantly, which is what I need to keep remembering, he told me that "he's just not ready to face what he has done to get help". So, I told him that I can't say that I can stick around waiting for that to happen, that I have started to worry about myself and have to stop worrying about him.
I am so wavering right now, I feel myself getting sucked right back in and have been daily fighting it, reminding myself of how long it took me to get strong enough to even say that I "might" leave. I feel like saying, okay, just one more time. But, I feel like I'm living a lie. We share a home but I feel like roommates, not life partners. Can someone please explain to me why when he used to want to have sex all the time, now he could care less, it's been that way since the day we got married. I could have really cared less about it before, felt guilty because we weren't married, and now, I try to initiate it and he could care less. Now I don't care anymore either:( I have lost 18 pounds in the last 4 months, dropped two sizes and he doesn't even notice. I didn't lose it for him, but, he doesn't even acknowledge how I look, says he didn't notice that I gained it. I am at 115 pounds and my friends tell me I'm getting too skinny and he could care less....... He has been again acting as though nothing is going on, asked me last night if I was "getting bored with him". I told him that he knows that is not the issue and left it at that. He doesn't understand why I just can't pretend like I used to, doesn't say that, but it's obvious. Acts like things are supposed to be fine, and I know what is coming. I know that soon it's going to be that I am always crabby, that I'm never happy, etc. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know how to stop hoping. I read this board every day and I am hoping that is going to help. I hate getting up in the morning, hate going to work, hate coming home, hate myself for putting up with what I know is wrong and not changing it........ Anyhow, sorry to gripe, just needed to vent and get it all out.....

Okay sorry if TMI, but you asked. Yes, my ex too controlled the bedroom. Only on Friday or Saturday, only after he watched soft porn or something else on TV and only in the same way and forget about trying anything new or different. I would try to initial as I am a naturally affectionate person and he would push me away. He told me that Victoria's Secret was a waste of money, meaning more money he could spend on himself. When we first got together things were the opposite, but after he thought I was "committed" they turned into this.
You're not nuts and remember they will say anything to keep you from leaving. Remember they don't want anyone to know how they really are and you leaving will show the whole world that he is not the perfect person he wants them all to think he is.
Chin up you're on the right track. Freedom is worth it and I can tell you when I flirt with plow boy about the bedroom it feels so good to get and receive and believe me if and when anything happens I am so making up for lost time.
Hi Howdidi: Welcome to the club …the ‘I know what to do, just not doing it’ club. And don’t feel guilty. There are quite a few of us here who are still trying to do the ‘right thing’. I don’t dare even give the slightest hint to my husband that I want to leave him. God, I don’t know what he would do but I am sure his reaction will be violent. He has also threatened me with a knife and also held one to his throat and talks about and even stages many suicide scenarios. He is abusive in every way there is. He controls me with these threats and terrorizations and punishments and has for many years. My kids have tried to talk to him about his behavior towards me but it goes right past him. My three daughters have all told him they are afraid he will kill me, (and they don’t even know half of the terrible things he has done to me). He still deludes himself into thinking that our relationship is fine. I ask you…how can I be fine with being verbally, physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially and sexually abused on a regular basis. These guys do not deal in reality.
Please keep yourself aware that this is a con game going on here. He is manipulating you with every word that comes out of his mouth. From the moment they meet us they are checking us out to find out what we like and to make sure they provide us with it, while saying all the right things, the romance and beautiful words. At the same time they are checking to see where our weaknesses are, and they then use these weaknesses to manipulate us, batter us and make us feel guilty until we don’t know what’s going on and start to feel that we are crazy or worthless.
Keep reading these posts. You will see we all have the same problem, just maybe a little different version.
Howdidi, I wondered the same thing with my H. He was never really overly interested when we were dating, and since we were dating long distance (he was in Oregon and I was in Arizona) we didn't see each other that often, but we did get together whenever I visited every month usually more than once during the weekend. Shortly after we were married, it got less and less. Just before I left him (after 10 years together), we were down to just twice a year. And when I finally left him, it had been over a year (I was pregnant with our last beautiful daughter then recovering from c-section so of course nothing).
But the thing is he had magazines and movies that I would sometimes discover. I am actually a pretty sexy woman (if I do say so myself), so I couldn't understand what was wrong. He also rejected my efforts to initiate, and whenever we talked about it he said he did find me desireable, but he didn't want to disappoint me. He even went to get the 'little blue pill'. There are still quite a number in the medicine cabinet, so that apparently wasn't the issue. If he wouldn't come to me after watching the movies or looking at the magazines then there wasn't anything I could do to make him want me.
I wasn't aware that with-holding sex was a trait of an abuser, but it's starting to sound like it is...
Good luck to you! You are stronger than you think!