His past?
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| Thu, 09-22-2005 - 6:57pm |
I have been dating this guy for about 4months. I know he has domestic violence issues and other issues in his life in the past. I know what he has done in his past relationship to his exgirlfriend. My sisters are afraid for me becuase they both have been in very abusive relationships and they see my boyfriend and they tell me he has all the signs of an abuser. He has been attending his domestic counseling classes and doesn't miss not one class. I am not afraid of him at all, he is very hot headed but for some strange reason when he gets mad i seem to be the only one to calm him down. We did have an argument and of course i won, but he has never raised his hand at me. If anything he walks away. I have told him of my concern of his temper and his abuse and how i feel about his past issues. I try to talk to him, like counseling, and he will talk to me for a while then stop when the deep issues start to approach. So i just leave him alone after that. He knows what my concerns are and we both talked about it. He told me he will never put his hands on me cause he knows he will get locked up again and i won't tolerate it either. My question is can a person change? Can't an abuser change just like an alchoholic changes? My exboyfriend gave me everything i wanted and never put a hand on me. After we split his sister-in-law told me he was a women beater and if he ever hit me i told her no never. He hits his wife on a daily basis from what the family has told me. So if they can be one way with one women couldn't they have changed in a different way with another? Mind you i was with my ex for 5yrs and i was 17 and he was 25 just out of prison and never hurt me, only emotionally messing around behind my back.
flores

Welcome to the board flores....
The one thing I can tell you is that statistically speaking, only 1% of abusers DO change, and that is thru a batterer's intervention program and thru extensive abuse counseling as well.
Your relationship is still brand new. Everybody's always on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. Sometimes you don't see the real guy until a few more months have passed or until you're already married or living together. A lot of times these guys wait until they've got you tied to them legally and financially, and then they revert back to their old ways.
One thing that really bothered me was that you said, "He told me he will never put his hands on me cause he knows he will get locked up again and i won't tolerate it either." The only reason he says he won't put his hands on you is because he knows he won't get away with it. The thing is, a healthy guy wouldn't think of putting his hands on you in the first place. As long as those thoughts are still in his head, he's not cured, and you're not safe.
Think about all the energy you're going to have to put into keeping this guy cool. I know what it's like because I've done it. I've played counselor, too, and after several years of it, I got sick and tired of it. It wore me out, and it was very unfair. The relationship becomes all about him and his problems, and believe me, that gets old.
There are guys out there who don't have a violent history and who won't require so much caution and energy. Since this relationship is so new, I'd think about keeping my options open.
Thank you for all of your replies. I have been to counseling for myself because of my kids father. He wasnt healthy at all neither. I did hate men for a long time because of their emotional abuse but never physical they did too me. I have gotten over that and moved on in my life. I will keep everyone posted, right now my boyfriend is getting the counseling he needs and we both have been talking more and he is opening up more towards me as i am towards him. He knows what i have been through with my past relationships and that i have problems too. We are both working on it individually and together. I feel this is a good start for the both of us and i did explain to him what my concerns are and he understands 100% if anything bad happened i will leave. Everyone deserves a chance in life, a person will change if they want too and he has just like i have.
thank you
flores