All my hope is gone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
All my hope is gone...
8
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 11:08am

I am 28 with 3 little kids, approaching my 8 yr marriage anniversary. we just recently started seeing a counselor but it hasn't really helped. He seems to think I am overexaggerating everything and tells me in front of them if i am not going to be honest, he isn't coming back. to be honest here, we dated 2 yrs before marriage and got along fine. never did i see what was yet to come. porn, internet addiction, lying. but beyond that, what hurts the most is the emotional aspect of everything. he is very verbal. i am to the point where it is hard to make friends b/c i feel i am so beyond help and pathetic i do not deserve a friend. if i am called their friend, i do not believe it. i had to get a different job due to money shortage the last couple yrs- he doesn't believe in doing all you can to support a family. i do. see, he was fired from his last two, and walked out on the last one. i got him the last couple jobs. i even did his resumes. only when he actually went out and delivered them after calling off did he participate. but he took a 4 dollar an hr pay cut. he only works when he feels like it. there is not enough i can do in this world. i do the homwork with the kids, the baths, most of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, working. i recently got a job in a restraunt/bar. besides now being verbal he is getting intimadated by this job. he loves the money i bring home, but if i seem like i am having a good time or making friends, i either get accused of having an affair or something else ridiculous. he never had to worry before. he knew putting me down got me to the point of where i don't look in the mirror. i hate everything i see. i cry all the time. no one, him or anyone else will see past my emotional scars let alone the damage child birth did (stretch marks etc) I weigh 117 lbs. I am 5'4". but that is not good enough. it will never matter now how much i weigh, how tone i get, the color i dye my hait, he sees the girls on the screen or someone else who is not as sexually dysfunctional as i. i never had such problems. it wasn't til the mind games started. the "take a cyanide pill and do everyone a favor" the "grow up and quit !@##$% life is real and you have to work" etc. i can barely have sex with him sometimes. sometimes its ok, but when i am not in the mood (hard to be working til 3am and getting up at 7am) i want him to understand i need sleep. he borrows me even tho i tell him no or i wish he wouldn't. that makes it worse. but when he is in a good mood, my days are better and i don't walk on egg shells. if i shut up, agree and do- it's livable. the kids don't bother him- it's me. but how can i ever move on and know i will be miserable the rest of my life anyway? who will accept me w/ 3 kids let alone the fact it will take time to heal? i can't even stand the thought of exposing myself to someone else without my stomach cramping. so i go on like this. there are days we have that are good. but good is b/c the house is clean, stuff is done, and i haven't erred yet. but when the bad days are here, they are unbearable. to be hit, would be better than the words and insults. but am i just too sensitive? is this normal? i no longer know. i believe if i just do, things will get better, but do i love him? is that even enough? i don't know. "I am human, i need to be loved, just like everybody else does." i don't believe in love, romance, anything. if i have a male friend that begins to like me and accept me, i back off. i don't want pity. i don't want worshipped. i want to be accepted for who i am, loved, and forgived. is that too much to ask?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 11:28am

Welcome to the board dolphin...


First of all I have to say, being hit is no better than the verbal and emotional abuse.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 12:26pm

Dolphin, you are not asking too much.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 2:36pm

Are you asking too much? NO< NO? NO!

Your height and weight are fine. I am sure chasing 3 kids keeps you hopping.

Are you being abused? Yes, intercourse when you don't want it or when you say no is rape, whether is's your spouse or boyfriend or stranger. I know 2 women currently one was routinely raped by her husband and the other by her boyfriend.

You are a beautiful, unique person who deserves love, respect and dignity.

As for who would want you. Tons of men would be grateful to have someone who can keep up with 3 kids and work and do all the household chores by themselves. That takes tons of skills. As for the stretch marks I gottem, I got more after I started getting my thyroid back functioning again and lost weight and mass. Know what, the guy I like and I am fairly sure likes me, popped by one night while I was doing computer stuff. I had no bra, cotton pajama shorts a tshirt and my hair up in a clip. Know what he didn't care. People have scars and stories to go with them. Don't be ashamed they are a badge of honor from the birth of your children.

Hunny listen leaving is hard no question, but I realized just this week how nice it is to be in control of me, to not have to stop for his interruptions any more and to have a say in things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 3:11pm
I understand why you'd rather have him hit you rather than the verbal. You feel the physical abuse would be more of a justification to leave him. The verbal abuse is terrible-telling you to commit suicide, and you'd do everyone a favor???? That's downright cruel, he takes you for granted, he doesn't even know how good he has it right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 9:41pm
You are normal, he is not. I know that is hard to believe when you have someone beating you down verbally every day. That is what we are here for, to support you, listen to you and not judge. I find so much support here that I cannot even begin to explain how much it means to have someone listen and understand what I am going through without telling me what to do. Please follow the advice of the other women here by reading some of the articles, the books, etc. I have just started reading the book "why does he do that" and I have been overwhelmed at times by the "proof" that I am not being too sensitive, dramatic, whatever else I am told. There are men out there that will love you, respect you and care about you, even if you have 3 children. If they are real men, they will love you even more for what you went through to get yourself free. We are here to learn together and grow stronger together. Please stick around, we all need each other. Take care.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 11:16am

Dolphin Dreams, what a beautiful nic you have chosen for yourself, and a very powerful one.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 11:22am

(((BigHugs)))


I sooo understand what you are going through!!! I will be 25 in November and I have three little boys. One will be four-years-old next month, one is two-years-old, and one is almost three-months-old. I'm going to school full-time and working. It is really, really hard. However, you know what I realized a few days ago? I am happy! The feeling was so foreign to me I was starting to think I was manic or something. How bad is that?? I was terrified of leaving. My ex was also verbally and emotionally abusive. Yours sounds sooo much like mine!!! I too have the stretch marks and a saggy belly to match. My ex actually mooed at me while I was pregnant (you know, like a cow?!). He said he was only trying to keep me from gaining too much weight. He would go out with his buddies all of the time. I went out with a friend ONCE and was 10 minutes later than I'd said I'd be home...I heard about that till the day I left (over two years!). He would tell me that I couldn't make any friends b/c I was crazy and boring. Once a friend at school asked me to tutor him for an exam since I was making an A in the class and he was bombing. I asked me ex when he would be home so that he'd be here when the guy came over, this was in front of a friend. Well, I ended up just going over some stuff with the guy at school during class time. The ex asked me about it and I told him we'd gone over it in class. He accused me of sleeping with him!!! If I wasn't at home every time he'd call, he'd accuse me of cheating. I would have to call him at work to let him know I was going to the grocery store and what time I'd be back (well, I didn't HAVE to, but I submitted to it to keep the peace). I was horribly depressed and felt awful about myself.


It doesn't matter if you love him or if he loves you. When I walked out the door I still loved my ex. However, that did not mean I needed to put up with all of this. Just b/c you love someone it does not mean that they can abuse you the way that he has.


Also, think about your kids. I know you said he doesn't do this to them, but, think of what they are learning right now. I don't know if you have boys or girls, but, if you have boys you are teaching them that it's okay to treat women this way. If you have girls you're teaching them that this is the way women should be treated and it's all they deserve.


One more thing, ditch the marriage counseling. He'll just turn everything around on you. Try to get yourself into individual counseling. It'll help you sort out your thoughts and emotions. Honey, it's time to start thinking with your head rather than your heart. It was hard, but I finally did it and I am happy. Plus, you wouldn't believe how much encouragement you'll get not only here but on other boards and just from people in general when they see that you've got three kids by yourself. It helps a lot! HTH *hugs*

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2005
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 11:07pm
Please dont loose hope. I can tell you now. It will not get better!!!!! I have lived it. Although my bozo did it backwards I guess, started out physical. I told him I would leave with our 3 daughters if he didnt stop. So the backhands and punching stopped, but then came the names, the degrading, making me feel I wasnt worth a piece of dog poop. The total controlling. A specific towel in the bathroom for him, certain chips being bought. Having tissues sat in certain places in the house. Totally crazy huh? Yeah well I have been driving myself crazy working 40+ week, raising 3 kids, and running after a husband much like yours for the last 13 years. I'm burnt out. Honey, I'm a little older than you, and my children are going into high school next year. Guess who Mr. Wonderful now picks on, Bingo!!!! My daughters. When your kids get old enough, he will start in on them too. Get out while you can. Now is the best time to make a positive change in your life. I wish I would have taken my own advice a long time ago. Please I know what you are going thru and if there is anyway you can get out do it. Your worth it!!! No one ever told me I was. So now I'm telling you. I just hope you act on it.