Help, help, help!!!!!
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| Sun, 10-02-2005 - 2:09am |
Oh G-D, Oh G-D, Oh G-d. I don't know what to do. This is going to be long, so buckle up your seat belts.
Okay, where do I start? From the beginning, I guess. I think I wrote in here one or two times before, but I write in all over iVillage boards.
I'll try to make this as short as possible. My STBX is psychologically abusive. He has ignored me as a woman from the start of our marriage, withheld love and affection. Made me feel a lack of everything, basically.
I have made an escape plan. Not so much escape, because he knows about it. In December I am all set to move into my own apartment with my two girls. He will help me with the first one or two months rent.
I have started to go to DV counseling.
I looked at the computer yesterday for passive-aggressive personalities. It fit him to a T. It really is a mental disorder/illness. Along with this, I am also convinced he is a pathological liar. I read this account of a woman who lived with a PA man and said it was like living on a roller coaster.
This does not even begin to describe my husband. If you guys know what I go through on a daily basis, you would see how many problems this man has.
Now that he knows we are leaving, he has started crossing very strange boundaries. He has started to use my towel when there were other towels around. He knows this is my towel and I don't like him using it. When I confronted him, he attacked (mentally). He left the house without locking the door. I cannot tell you how strange that is. He cooked on a day that we do not cook in our home, due to religious reasons. After 11 years of living with me and never doing this, he suddenly 'forgot' that it was that day. I came in to see him cooking. This is only the tip of the iceberg.
Here are some of the things that make a person passive-aggressive:
1)Inability or unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions.
2)Behavior that seems outwardly nice and aggressive at the same time. Like smiling, while saying something unpleasant. Or not outwardly telling you or doing something that you don't like, but doing it anyway. It is a very confusing thing to live with.
3)A person who cannot relate to their own emotions, so consequently they cannot relate to any harm they are doing to you, because they can (perhaps) only deal with it on a mental level, but not any other.
4)A person who will try to trick you when you confront the things they do over and over relentlessly although you repeatedly tell them to stop, and they will get you caught up in different tangents when you try to confront them.
5) A person who will play the victim, instead of owning up to their own issues or problems
6)A person who does not know how to express their anger outright, so it comes out in a passive-aggressive way. It is a family trait in his f****d up family.
The list goes on and on. Add in my husbands case add:
1)Never apologizing, EVER
2)Constantly saying things that never happened
3)Always provoking, always, even quietly
You get the drift.
Now along with the strange pushing of the boundaries in a very strange way, (which probably means he's terrified of us leaving, so he is doing all of this) he did the mother of all things that is scary freaky. I left with my older dd to go to the park, and my younger dd was left in his care. I came back to find her dressed and ready to go out, and him on the computer. I left with both girls. I came back and got the girls ready for bed. I went on the computer as usual in the evening, and what did I find? In a box below I found a very crude internet porn site. It said a*s-f*****g. Basically, penetration from behind site. Not to be crude, just wanted to fill you in on the details. He left it there purposely, probably for me to see. But he knew, that very easily older dd could have gone on the computer and seen it. But what gives me the heebie-jeebies is that I looked at the history board and that was the only site he was on. Was he on that when he was here with our little girl?!!!!!!! I am horrifed, confused and feel like vomiting. I cannot be sure he was but that was the only thing on the history bar on the computer that was from him.
I am terrified because he never did anything like that before. Never went on a site, at least not from home. He is going off the deep end, seriously.
So:
He drives like a maniac when we are in the car.
He can fall asleep when he is with the girls (even though I don't leave him alone with them because he is exhausted when he comes home from work)
He has shown to be irresponsible in general
But this latest thing with the porn site has left me very confused.
Please tell me, anyone, how can I make sure this vile human being is denied any form of visitation with my precious daughters after I leave him? I can confront him on the disgusting irresponsible behavior of leaving his porn for anyone to see but get this, he will deny it. He will look me in the face and tell me it popped up, even though you have to physically write it in, in order for it to come up on the history bar. That is a part of him being a passive-aggressive freak and a pathological liar to boot.
How can I ever leave him alone with my kids after he has gone on a porn site with our little daughter in the home? As I said, I cannot be 100% sure, but there was NOTHING else he was on during that time. I am crazy scared at this point.
So my question is: should I stay here another two months till my apartment is ready, or just go to a shelter, even though it will disrupt my kids' lives? I am always with the kids, when he comes home, he basically goes straight to sleep and falls alseep in a minute then gets up at 1:00AM to go back to work, and I am awake till at least 2:00AM every night. So I am with the girls ALWAYS.
Is what he is doing enough for the courts to deny him visitation with my girls? Or is it enough for him to endure some kind of testing, or something to make sure he is safe? I don't think he is safe at this point. He will stop at nothing to provoke me.
I am keeping a log of everything he is doing at this point.
I am in a new state, about a year, alone with no family and crazy scared. I never thought his abuse would get to the point where he would be careless with the girls. I don't even want to think about if he had the site up when my little girl was home with him, because that is too scary. He has NEVER done that before. But they are never with him alone. I feel like I have entered the gates of hell, I have no contact with my parents, because I feel like they are emotionally damaging to me. I am alone in this new state, where there is little sense of community, and my girls play alone many times outside of school. Then I need to deal with this monster. I will quote something that I read another poster writing and it was amazing. She said, (not word for word, because I can't remember that, but) "I don't know what civilization I wiped off the face of the earth in a past life to go through what I am going through now", and I can't remember the rest. Why, why am I going through so much?
I have started DV counseling, as I said. I am taking care of everything that needs to be taken care of for my break from him. On every level. I am starting my month and a half long classes at the end of October. (I will be there when the girls' come home from school). So I am all set. But I still can't understand why I am going through this. Does G-D hate me?
I came from a wealthy, albeit dysfunctional (emotionally) family. I was always very smart and talented. Was always told I would go very far in life. Was always told I was attractive, and had everything going for me.
Here I am at 38, nearly penniless (we have very little in savings). Totally isolated from family, (although that is my choice, but I don't feel I had a choice anymore, my parents were emotionally blackmailing me), totally isolated in this community, and have to deal with this monster. Again, why do I deserve to go through this?
Please give me some legal advice. How can I make sure he does not get visitation, although that is a very hard thing to do? He cannot possibly have anything of value to give them, he is destructive in a quiet, passive-aggressive, careless kind of way.
Should I stay the two months, so my daughters don't have to go through the trauma of leaving their schools and going to new ones? Please give me any advice you can. Thank you. I can go through this and somewhat heal, but forever my daughters will either have no contact with their father (not likely because of the court system, but if it does happen will be traumatizing to them to say the least) or have contact with a father that is so damaging, so hurtful.
Update: When he woke up at 1:00AM as usual, I asked him about the internet site, and he said he was sorry, he left it on by mistake. That alone shows you how irresponsible he is. If he left it open by mistake, does he not remember he has kids around? And if he left it open on purpose, does he not care that he has kids around? He said that previous to that, he was looking at an autosite. I said, "Why didn't that come up in the history bar?" He said he didn't know. But then I checked and indeed when sites are on 'Favorites', they do not show up in the history bar. But I still am very uncomfortable about the whole thing.
Edited 10/2/2005 5:04 am ET ET by smoothride

Smooth, I think the bottom line is your fear.
First, from the not cooking, I assume that you are Jewish. There is NO reason why you should stay in a an abusive marriage. Infact, he is denying you those things that he signed in the marriage contract.
By staying with him, you are hurting yourself and your DD's.
As others ere can say, start doumenting everything and start trying to "back" document. Remember actions and behaviors from before. Get yourself a good lawyer and have an escape plan. If you are Jewsih got to a GOOD Rabbi. If he is breaking "Jeswish Law", there is more of a chance that a Rabbi will be on your side.
Try not to leave the children alone with him, unlesss you have no choice. And DON'T feel guilty or bad about him. He has made this bed, let him lay in it.