how can i tell if i'm being abused?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
how can i tell if i'm being abused?
9
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 7:47am

i think my husband is controlling and physically abusing but he tells me he's not and i'm just a drama queen. he says i want to be victim. he's never actually hit me but he's threatened to kill me, has bruised my arms trying to stop me from getting away from him. he gets directly in my face and stands over me screaming at me. he won't let me get away. he's thrown the bed across the room while i was sitting on it. he kicks tvs through the wall. he's thrown chairs around the room and broke them into the wall. he's pulled the shower curtain down while i was taking a bath and ended up cutting himself with it and needing 20 stitches (it could have very easily been me).

The most recent situation was very scary for me and i called the police and they did nothing. I had a few scrapes and bruises but apparently not enough to matter. so am i being dramatic or is it really abuse? i wrote a complaint letter that i haven't sent to the police yet that describes exactly what happened. I will paste an excerpt from it. Please tell me what you think. Sorry so long.

"I called 911 after my husband came home from work at approximately 11PM, April 10, 2006 (however, I don’t quite remember the time). I was sleeping in bed and he came up to the room, turned the light on, removed the covers from me, and began to argue with me. After a while of arguing, I told him I wanted to go to bed and went into the extra bedroom to lie down. He followed me into the extra bedroom and continued to argue. I went back into the bedroom and finally told him I was going to call his mother. I picked up my cell phone and he tried to wrestle it from my hands, which he did successfully. At that point, he stated that I wanted to be a battered wife and he was going to work that out for me. I tried to run from the room but he grabbed me and threw me on the bed. I tried again to run from the room, but was unable to do so, as each time I tried to escape, he threw me on the bed. I finally grabbed the cordless home phone and tried to call 911. He ripped the phone from my hands which caused a cut on the palm of my hand and threw me on the bed. He then removed his belt and it appeared to me that he was going to hit me with the belt. I ran from the room and ran downstairs. I got another phone and was able to successfully dial 911; however, he came behind me, grabbed the phone and hung up on the 911 operator. He told me that the police will take 5 minutes to arrive and by then he was going to kill me.

At that point, I was very scared and pretty much hysterically crying. The 911 operator called back and I was able to answer the phone. I tried to run out of the house through the garage but could not get the doors open because he was standing in the doorway, closing them as I opened them (which apparently, according to the Sergeant on call last night, the dispatcher interpreted as physical violence by both parties – there was no physical violence at this point, just me shouting for him to let me out). He also turned off the garage door openers. I was scared because I really believed he was serious about harming me for calling the police. The operator stayed on the phone with me until the police arrived. When they arrived, they told her that they could not see me in the garage. She asked if there were windows and I said yes, but I’m not tall enough to be seen through them. She then told me to knock on the garage door to let the officers know where I was. At that time, my husband had gone to the front door to let the officers in and I was still in the garage. I was able to turn the garage door opener back on and let in the officer (I believe it was Officer W.T Johnson).

At some point another officer had come into the doorway. I believe it was Sergeant Moser. He also wanted to know what was going on and before I could explain, he stated in a very terse manner (as though it was a major inconvenience to be called again to my home) “You know this is the third time that we’ve been out here”. I said, “yes, I know, it’s true”. I showed him my shirt that had a hole torn in it and he went back inside to talk to my husband, I assume. Officer Johnson inquired as to what the problem was. As I started to explain what happened, I was interrupted by Officer Johnson who stated “don’t start lying”. He said this to me at least twice before I even got anything out. I began to tell Officer Johnson my side of the story and showed him a cut on my hand from my husband tearing the phone away from me, as well as, several other scratches on my arm from being thrown on my bed. Before I could really get into the story, Sergeant Moser again came into the doorway of the garage and asked if I was injured. To which I replied that I wasn’t injured in a major way, no broken arms or anything, but that I did have a few cuts and scrapes on me. He stated (very sarcastically), “all I saw was a hole in your shirt and saw you lock yourself in the garage and bang on the garage doors.” I said, “I didn’t lock myself in the garage, my husband would not let me out and the 911 dispatcher requested that I bang on the garage door to alert the officers as to where I was”. I also stated that I had shown Officer Johnson a few scrapes and cuts and asked Officer Johnson to confirm. Eventually, after several attempts to get Officer Johnson to confirm the injuries I had shown him, he muttered an almost inaudible, “yes I saw a few cuts and scratches”. So Sergeant Moser asked what I wanted to be done and if I want to press charges. I said that I did. He went back into the home for a while and then came back out and said he wouldn’t be arresting my husband and if I wanted to press charges I needed to go the magistrate’s office. I asked where that was and was told behind the courthouse, off of 28. I said I didn’t really know where that was and Officer Johnson said “it’s right next to the jail”. Again, I said I didn’t know where that was. I asked if I could go inside and Officer Johnson said yes. So I went in and got dressed and went out in the middle of the night to find the magistrate’s office. The officers did not offer to help me and of course being in the middle of the night, being upset, and not knowing exactly where I was going, I was unable to find the courthouse. I finally lost my nerve and went home without reaching the office."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 8:19am
Wow...what jerks. Obviously they aren't trained in how to handle domestic violence calls. For one thing, the magistrates office isn't going to be open in the middle of the night. It's a day job and the office is going to be open courthouse hours. That's how it is in my county and in surrounding counties. What I would do if it were me is send that letter to the police chief, the district attorney, and to the local battered women's shelter executive director. Also, I would seek services from the shelter. Particularly from the local court advocate. I work for a battered women's shelter and if you were to call our advocate, she would go with you to the magistrates office, help you fill out the paperwork, and sit with you while you talk with the judge. If the shelter has a good program, then the magistrate will know her and trust her and be helpful. She can also explain what options you have as far as rights go and what you can do to keep yourself safe. There's no question that your husband is abusive and he's not just mildly abusive, he's severely abusive and committing serious crimes against you. You don't have to put up with ANY of it for one second. Try to write down past events also. That will help your case. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 9:46am
I am so scared for you. Yes you are being abused. I can understand why you are confused though. Please report him ASAP! The police handled your situation poorly to say the least. This was not your fault. Do not let your husband get away with this. I can tell you are frightened. This is not what a loving relationship should be like. Please find help and do what ever you need to do to stay safe (file a restraining order, call a domestic violence shelter, reach out to a friend, family or pastor).
Anytime you have questions or need support reach out to this message board. There are a lot of great people here that will listen and give helpful advice. Sometimes it helps to get an outside perspective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 10:06am
P.S. The reason the D.A. and the shelter should know about this is so they can see what a sorry job the cops are doing with this crime. They're in the position to put pressure on the chief to get them trained properly. Also, you might want to talk to the prosecutor to get his/her advice on what to do in a situation like this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 10:30am

I'm truly angered by the way the officers handled your situation.Please find & contact a local domestic violence shelter right away.They're experienced in dealing with law officials/court systems.I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you were treated so poorly by these arses with badges.They clearly have little or no training in D.V.
In my one & only experience with calling 911,the officers were very understanding and sympathetic to me.And my husband had not even hit me,he punched a hole in a wall but they still felt the need to remove him.
Please DO send that letter.Unfortunately, there are still places in our country where D.V. is not taken seriously.I do beleive,however, that WE CAN change that.We just have to push hard,and speak loud until someone hears us.Please keep us posted & stay safe.

Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:04am

Thanks for your posts. In fact, your post (serenity) reminded me of another situation that I had with the same police officers. Here's another portion of my complaint letter:

"Having told that long drawn out story, here’s my impression of the evening and the response of the dispatched officers. I feel as though I was treated unfairly and the officers assumed that I was lying even though they never took the time to hear my complaint. I feel that I have been discouraged from requesting help from authorities even when I am in fear for my life. I do believe that it is the duty of the officer to arrive as an impartial party and I don’t believe that happened. In my opinion, based solely on how I feel the situation was handled, I think the officers rallied around my husband and treated me with disdain and sarcasm. I think that these officers arrived with a preconceived attitude towards me and my situation. They actually did not even attempt to get the facts as I knew them. If you read the report, I’m certain that my side of the story will not be written down because I was not really given the opportunity to give it. In the end, I called for help and received none. Instead, my husband’s behavior has been sanctioned and I feel that I am less safe today than I was yesterday.

In the future, I request that Sergeant Moser not be the principal officer to be dispatched to my home. I spoke with the on-duty Sergeant on the evening of April 10, 2006, and he stated that this could be accommodated. I also request that whenever possible a woman officer also be dispatched to my home. I feel much more comfortable talking to a woman. I believe that the officers will have a better understanding of the situation, if they receive both sides of the story. I believe my husband told the officers that he was fending off an attack by me and they believed him. I assure you that, as a 5’0” 120lb woman, I would never attack a 6’3” 200lb man. But for some reason, your officers thought it made sense that I had attacked him. The end result is that my husband, who has a tendency towards violent outbursts, now realizes that it is perfectly legal to manhandle me and hold me in my home against my will. He knows that if called, the police will arrive and do nothing. In fact, I do believe that if there had been a single hairline scratch found on my husband, I would have been the person arrested that evening. Additionally, if you read through the history, short as it may be, you will see that the situation has escalated. The last time Sergeant Moser came to the house; my husband was removing my son from his home (around midnight) and had kicked the TV through the wall in the bedroom. Sergeant Moser stated that my husband could remove my son and destruction of personal property is perfectly legal. This upset me, but I believed him and figured he was right, nothing could be done. This time I have cuts and bruises and now I’m not so sure of Sergeant Moser’s impartiality. (I know of cases in other counties where cuts and bruises were present and the offender was arrested.) In any case, I wonder what the outcome will be next time.

In any event, I do hope that you will heed my request and dispatch a different principal officer as well as a woman (if at all possible). I also request that someone counsel the above-named officers about how to approach a domestic violence situation. Thank you for your time and I do hope that this letter is not used as an incentive for dispatched officers to discriminate against me in any future incident." (end of letter)

I'm going to take your advice and send this complaint letter to the dA and domestic violence shelter. I'm really pissed off that these officers sent me to an office that in all likelyhood was closed!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 8:38pm

Babe, you're not going to get any better advice.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 5:07am
Use MapQuest to locate the magistrate's office ( http://www.mapquest.com ); since those directions will also help you locate the jail, you will know where your husband is going if he abuses you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 2:20pm

Very well written! Your idea of sending this to the DA's office is a good one, they may be completely ignorant to the fact that this is happening.And it most certainly needs to be dealt with.Please keep us updated.

((hugs))
Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 11:16am

I always say that if you have to ask if you're being abused, you probably are. (BTW, "drama queen" was one of the favorite lines of my SIL's ABUSER.)

Best thing you can do right now is contact your local women's shelter, which should be in the yellow pages. Sadly, it's not too uncommon for cops not to know how to handle domestic violence, and the shelter can help you both formulate a plan and deal with the police lack-of-response.

Do keep posting, and let us know what happens.

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