Heart breaking...things got worse

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Registered: 06-10-2003
Heart breaking...things got worse
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:10am


Hi again, everyone...

I bumped the post of my story as background reference for those who wanted to know. As the post title suggests, things have been happening and most definately NOT for the better. I just need to talk and gain a bit of perpective...get rid of the weird guilt I have inside...

H came back to our city end of February. We moved much of his stuff from the house into an apartment where he was going to stay for a bit, until the interm restraining order was up the end of March. After that, we would assess the next steps. Things were going well between he and I and he saw my daughter a few times a week (under my supervision). There were two things though that were significant signs of chaos yet to come:

1) During his stay in NJ, his mother had backed away from communicating with me (my H also insisted that I not contact his family as I "upset" them with my "lies"). She and I always got along, were confidates and I considered her a good friend - I loved her (still do but have lost respect). When H came home to this city, I received a message from his mother, via my SIL (other brothers wife) that my MIL still cared for me, supported my decisions and didn't want me out of her life. I saw this as an "olive branch" and reciprocated by calling my MIL. We did not get into anything heavy, and I didn't say much about H except that he seemed to like the apartment (I was also on anti-depressants at that time and they made me a bit zombie-like). The conversation went fine and we left it that we would keep in touch again. THEN...I get a call from H asking me why I had called his mother. He got this information from he great-aunt who also apparently informed him that I was being negative and putting him down to my MIL and this upset her again (??). So...I called MIL back, told her what was going on and asked if there was anything I had said that upset her and if so, I was very sorry. MIL said there was nothing upsetting in our conversation and she would talk to her aunt to find out what was going on. That's the last time I talked to her.

2) H still refused to meet or interact with my son. My son was also not lobbying me to spend time with H, however, he had reason to be nervous as he had born some of the brunt of H's "episodes".

Then, 2 weeks ago:

My ex-husband called on Wednesday to tell me his wife bought tickets to an event, he didn't realize she was doing this until they were paid for and would it be a big deal for him to change his weekend night with the kids from Saturday to Friday. Given that it has been a struggle to get the kids visitations more frequent, I told him there wasn't a problem. H and I usually spent these visitation nights quietly, reconnecting and talking about the future - we had no solid plans and I didn't see why it mattered if it were Sat. or Friday night. Also, the focus is on the kids seeing their dad, not H and I having "alone time". Well...H got upset that the night was changed. First it was because we had "more time together" when it was Sat. night, which then changed to "why didn't you consult with me before agreeing to this change. Again - I thought the kids visits with their dad were about them...not H and I.

So...the cycle began again. We started arguing from the moment I got off work on Friday to the finale on Sunday. It kept escalating, issue after issue, from my mother having the "nerve" to call me on Friday night to confirm something we'd talked about to my son, to my settlement with my ex when I bought him out of the house (finally, after 6 years). H proceeded to throw a cup of hot chocolate across the room Friday night, spit at me and try to throw me out of an elevator Saturday afternoon, smash my sons picture Sat. night. Needless to say, he spent both nights of this very trying weekend in his apartment (at least he left), but kept me on the phone most of the night (after Saturdays performance I didn't get to sleep until 5:30 am Sunday as he kept calling). He also dragged up how I "owed" him, how he was going to ruin me financially, apply for sole custody of my daughter...all kinds of BS. He also ripped the phone out of the wall downstairs.

Sunday: I was on my way to get a new phone a few blocks from my house and H called me on my cell asking me when he could come by to get his things. The night before he told me he was coming by to get the rest of is stuff from the house. I told him to talk to me later as I didn't know when the kids and my parents would be by. Things began to get ugly on the phone, I worried about what he would also do to the house so I phoned the police. I meant to have them stop by his apartment for a "chat" and ask him not to come by while he was in such an upset state. I began talking to the dispatcher...then changed by mind, I was worried the sight of the police would make things worse. I got home - and he was there anyway. He was packing things, took a cheque from me for belongings he brought to the marriage but the family was using, and generally yelled, screamed and was irrational. I was pretty upset, as you may imagine...this had been all weekend and I had been going on very little sleep. I look out my window...and the police had shown up anyway. He was outside...they talked to him for a bit...and arrested him for criminal harassment. I haven't seen him since. His last benediction to me was to the detective taking his statement after his arrest...that I disgust him and he never wants anything more to do with me again and if I call he'll have me brought up on charges of harassment (??)

His parents posted bail for him, I have no idea how much it was. I spoke with his brother a couple of times while he was in jail, but have not heard from any of the in-
laws since H was released. His bail conditions are:

- No contact with me, directly or indirectly, except through counsel
- No contact with the children, except through order of Family Court
- Not to possess weapons or apply for a gun license
- Not to contact any of my other family (i.e. parents)
- Cannot come 500meters near my house
- Needs to report to Bail Officer regularly
- Needs to seek and maintain anger management counselling
- Keep the peace, be law abiding...etc.


His stuff is still sitting at the house and I haven't heard a peep out of anyone as to what to do with it. In my moments of frustration, I have many fantasies about what I'd like to do with it but that could lead to trouble. I'm moving out of the shock phase and have been feeling bits of sadness, confusion and abandonment by those I've stood by and loved. I haven't reached internal acceptance yet...still so many questions. I recognize I may never get answers to any of these, or at least the truth, but they are still there in my head. The latest emotional kick in the gut was me finding an updated profile of him on a "personals" site (I've always known he kept one, but he hadn't used it in a while...I suspected he would reactivate and I was correct). He is letting on how horrible his marriage was and what a big mistake it was. How he is looking for someone who is "mentally stable". I was reeling when I saw that last night, untruthful as it might be, and still feel sick inside. He was only released last Thursday...I meant so little to him?

Since H was arrested, I've begun seeing a counsellor, the kids are adjusting, keeping busy and in touch with support services to help them. I'm going through the steps of my life, doing what I should do and am generally OK. There are just times when it hits me...my life is not the same, will never be the same, people I cared for chose not to be a part of it anymore.

More later...thanks for letting me vent and any feedback would be most welcome.

Blessings,