what can I do?
Find a Conversation
what can I do?
| Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:21pm |
I just found this board and hopefully someone can help. I have been married 18 years and have two teenagers. I think I stayed in the relationship way too long for the "kids sake". I know my husband is abusive...usually verbally but occasionally physically. It was only real bad once. However, I filed for divorce a month ago and he is pretty much flipping out. He said I can't leave and he won't or he will kill me, the kids, my family and himself. He has three very big knives under the mattress. He quit his job and just stays home all day. I work full time and consider myself a "professional". I am scared but miserable. If I stay I will be miserable, but if I don't it might be even worse. What can I do? The other day he pulled me by my hair and threw me on the couch with a knife to my throat, but stopped when my kids woke up. He just wants me to "forget everything" (meaning wanting a divorce, his past actions, etc.). I feel so trapped. I am hanging on for my kids and my family. Any advice?

Pages
Hi, Anne! Your husband sounds extremely dangerous and out of control. Quitting one's job in response to an impending divorce is not an indication of stability, and his behavior toward you is terrifying. As soon as you have read the responses on this board, please telephone your lawyer and the local domestic abuse shelter, to let them know what has been going on. This afternoon, collect your children from school (don't let them go home) and take all of you to a safe place.
If a coworker kept three big knives in his desk, you would probably tell someone. If a coworker threw you down and held a knife to your throat, you would call the cops. Please don't let your long history with this man blind you to the fact that he is threatening your life and your children's. That he has not killed you yet does not in any way prove that he won't kill you next.
Anne, please please contact someone about this, this man sounds extremely dangerous adn the escalation of his abuse is typical when they feel they are losing control of us and that is when they are most volatile and dangerous. Sitting at my desk reading your post I actually said out loud, "Get Out!" thats how your post affected me. When I was preparing to escape my xh he routinely threatened to kill me, strangle me in my sleep, telling me how bad he wanted to kill me and to this day I cant be sure he wouldnt of tried if I had stayed. I also have children (DD7, DS3) and regardless of what age our children are they all need their mother. Please, even if you do not call the police call a domestic violence shelter adn speak to someone there...but I would call the police becasue this man is terrifying. You are a wonderful strong, intelligent woman worthy of living in peace and happiness but you need to reach out right now and protect yourself.
Thinking of you,
Lisa
I agree with geo. Call the police. Call your local domestic violence shelter. Safety is number one. Safety for you and for your children.
Here's what I did after a horrifying night. I called a local shelter and asked questions about living in a shelter. I was surprised to find out it wasn't going to be too different than living at home. I wouldn't be sleeping on a mat or living in a big warehouse. The shelters were regular homes embedded into different neighborhoods. Nice furniture. Working appliances. Clothing was provided. Food was provided. There was even a tv and LOTS of books and toys. My children were very young, though. That meant as long as there were toys, they were happy. But actually, as long as I was making the right decisions (and leaving a violent abusive home is the RIGHT decision) I knew my children would be happy. The woman on the phone understood me and was very supportive. Once I got to the shelter, everyone was warm and told me about my rights and my options. They had everything I needed to put my life in perspective. It was scary and I had no idea of the future. I took it one piece of information at a time. And made one decision at a time. There is a way out!! The shelter helped me apply for financial assistance. There was even a lawyer that helped me file a restraining order getting my husband out of our home and me and the children back in. And I needed lots of counseling and support. I began to question every decision and needed objective counsel to keep my thoughts on the positives of being free from abuse (whether verbal or physical).
Or if someone couldn't afford to go back home or there was no home to go back to...most shelters let you stay 30 - 60 days to find affordable housing. And then there's federal and state help to pay for every type of assistance you can imagine. I'm on most of the programs now. Help paying utility bills, child care, food, clothing, even car repair (so that I can keep getting to work). I have been amazed at all the help I have recieved since leaving my abusive marriage.
Call your local shelter.
Then consider filing charges against your husband. What he has done to you is against the law. He is commiting a crime that he needs to be held accountable for.... Threatening your life, using a weapon to threaten your health and well-being. That's a crime. And you did NOT do anything to deserve it... no matter what he has told you.
There is help out there... I pray you will find it and find comfort/strength. Keep posting. We are here for you!
Love,
Loonybunny
It's time to get out, because he is sliding more and more quickly towards being completely irrational. Contact your local domestic violence shelter, and have them help you prepare a plan that includes notifying the police and a restraining order, because this man almost certainly WILL get violent.
And bear this in mind; if you are concerned for your children, that is all the more reason to leave. How will you be there for them if he kills you? And, do you want them to grow up thinking that his behavior is normal and acceptable? Think about it.
anne
Anne,
I will pray earnestly for you. You do NOT deserve a prison sentence. HE deserves the prison sentence.
Also, don't be so sure that your children are not suffering with you. Please read material on how abuse affects children. Daughters could end up marrying an abusive husband like their fathers... sons will think it is okay to treat woman abusively and turn into abusers themself. On the other hand, when their mother breaks free from abuse, she sets an unprecidented example of truth, freedom, love, and courage.
You have such a precious spirit. Don't allow your husband to hold you hostage. There is help out there!! You can do it. You deserve it and your children deserve it.
Lots of love,
Loonybunny
Anne,
"Today I told him I would stay for two more years...that was what he wanted...until our youngest graduates. He said at that time we can go our separate ways."
Just a question for you, what makes you think that in two years it will be any different?
He's being abusive because you want to leave but your youngest has not graduated and he wants you to stay for that?? It just doesnt make sense. He's being abusive because he is an ABUSER.And I guarantee it's not going to stop when your youngest graduates.There will be some other excuse as to why you cannot leave. Please understand that there are resources available to you,D.V shelters,court orders..etc.
"I feel like I have a two year prison sentence, but I am trying to keep things stable for my kids."
I do understand that it feels like a prison sentence,in alot of ways it is the same.And I understand that you're doing what you think is right for your children,but beleive me, this is not a STABLE invironment.I know how frightening it must be for you,and my heart goes out to you.Please keep us posted.
Serenity
Warning:
Anne,
Your message starts "what can I do?' You have taken the first step, here. I was married 28 years and left two years ago. I found a support group for women, ADV (Alternatives to Domestic Abuse), in 1998. I read two books by Patricia Evans. Once I gave it a name "domestic violence", my marriage to him could never be the same. It took me six years to finally get away. I had to move to another state. The advice of the wonderful women here for you right now is like having the same help I had back in 1998. Once I moved I wasn't able to find the same help I had where I lived before. Here, again, is where I found the help I needed. Please do not stay because of the kids, they will suffer. You are worth much more than you can imagine, deserve better and he is not worth giving up the rest of your life for. Please take care of yourself and know that we do care,
Luv, Sherry
Pages