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| Sat, 04-22-2006 - 12:48pm |
I haven't posted in more than a week. I really need some help. I feel AWFUL and have spent the morning in bed. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I have been talkin to my BF who I broke up with 6 weeks ago. I initiated it. We tell each other we love each other. He tells me he needs time. I couldn't understand why he wasn't wanting to get back together and work on this if he loves me. I see honest improvement in him. I have been going to counseling and support groups every week. (5 total this week) I have taken up running and found time to play outside with my kids everyday this week. After I talked to him on Thursday night I was really feeling better. Well, I found out why he wanted to wait.
A week after I broke up with him I went out with friends one night. (I mentioned this in another post) He showed up and got mad and called me a slut. (He thought the guy next to me was rubbing my hair but he wasn't) That was the night he broke my window. When we began to talk again a few weeks later, he was still thinking that I spent the night with this other guy. I told him I spent the night at my Mom's. (I did) He asked what time I got there and I said 3:00. He kept asking me about this last night on the phone. I finally told him the truth because he had driven by my Mom's house and didn't see my car there. I had gone with this guy to another bar afterwards. I was trying to find out where my BF had gotten beat up the night I broke up with him and he was blacked out. I then got to my Mom's around 4:00. He still doesn't believe that I did not sleep with this guy. He is furious because I lied to him for weeks. I have lied to him before and he has been upset. About 6 years ago I had slept with an old BF of mine that I wasn't completely over and it destroyed my BF's trust in me. I don't blame him. That was an awful thing for me to do. Anyway, last night I begged and pleaded for him to forgive me. I wailed and cried on the phone. I agreed that I was the slut and the biggest filth on the face of this earth like he had told me on my messages that Friday I went out. I was SO pitiful! I told him I lied because I didn't want him to think that anything was going on with this guy. (I don't even talk to him now) I didn't want to hurt him anymore. I also said that sometimes I am afraid to tell him the truth. I don't know why I do all this. Many times I have flirted with other guys or gotten mad at him and danced with other guys. Why do I do such disgraceful things? I feel so ashamed and like the most rotten person in the world. I have so much anxiety my skin burns. If my kids didn't need me I think I would not want to be here. (Actually I don't but I would never do that to them) I have been really trying to get better and be healthy lately. Also, he is the one with the drinking problem but I am the one who hasn't had anything to drink in a month. I think it ruins people's lives. I acted in such an embarrasing way with all my crying and pleading. I just want the hurt to go away!
More background on me. I am 41, divorced for 9 years. With BF for 7 years. I have 4 kids, one who is disabled. I just completed a Master's Degree. Why do I act like such trash though???
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Not strong once again.

It is not trashy behavior to want to be with a man who finds you beautiful and wants to be with you, and who does not hurl insults at you. That is what you are subconsciously doing by flirting, IMO.
To move on, you have got to stop berating yourself for being human. This is his conditioning talking, not the real facts of the matter. You have a RIGHT to a happy life, where you are not called slut, filthy, whatever. You are none of the above, because God is not in the habit of making trash.
I think it's time to get counseling for yourself, with a counselor who SPECIALIZES in DV. Your local shelter may be able to make recommendations. Just remember that this is his conditioning you to believe that you are these things, NOT the truth. This is why no contact is important, so that he can't keep harping on you. Yes, he says these things. Maybe he even believes them. But, I for one am not in the habit of believing abusers.
I told him last night that I shouldn't be with him if he needs proof that I was not fooling around with that other guy. If he thinks that little of me I shouldn't be with him. He would always be asking me to prove myself. How much "proof" is required because he thinks that I fooled around? I was out very late and I did lie to him. But we were not still "going out" on that night and I didn't fool around. Anyway, when I told him that he said Good-bye forever. He called 5 minutes later and I didn't answer. It is probably not the last of him. I hope I can be stronger this time and stay away.
Strong,
You are not alone. Any time you need to talk, you have here to come to. We know what you are going through and understand. Again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE and keep posting.
Luv, Sherry
Strong
I think that proving you didn't do anything with this other guy is 1)a completely lost cause, because he WANTS to believe you did, so that he can have an "excuse" to behave badly 2) not something you should have to do, even if you could. If I recall, you two weren't even dating at the time this is supposed to have happened, so how on earth is it even his business?
Think about what you can expect to get out of taking action of this type. Will it do any good at all (probably not)? What will be the end result? Keeping the relationship going, which is most likely not a healthy decision? There are men out there who don't make you justify every facet of your existence to them. This one is in the minority on that, actually.