I finally get it..........long..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
I finally get it..........long..........
7
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 3:22am

Hi friends from over the pond. For those of you who dont know me , my name is Tracey , im 43, and im from the UK, ive been posting on this board for about 7 years now.

I have left my abusive husband many times , and gone back many times also.
I have been married to him for 21 years , and in that time there has been physical violence directed mainly at our daughters , who are now 19 and 15.
There have been moments of terrorising verbal and emotional abuse, threats of doing things to us is we didnt do what he wants , threats of him killing himself if we didnt go back to him.
All in all , he has been the worst thing to come into my life.
I have never been so ill treated in my entire life , yet i put up with it through fear of him killing himself?? , how stupid of me , its only blackmail.

Our eldest daughter wont have anything to do with him, he has destroyed her soul , physically and emotionally.

Our youngest daughter used to worship the ground he walked on , until she truly opended her eyes and saw him as he really is.
For a long time she would side with her dad when i left as he would " talk her round " and get her on his side.
But now she sees how ill ive become and realised that the way her dad treats us is wrong.
Ive been diagnosed with CFS ( chronic fatigue syndrome ), i know its with the stress, and i beleive truly in my heart that being so unhappy can make you extremley ill.

My situation now is , ive been offered another house , like before , and im planning to move out again.
Ive asked him to move out many times recently , but he says hes not going anywhere.
Our eldest girl has moved out , she now has a boyfriend and they are expecting a baby in september.
Our youngest has moved into her sisters house with them as she doesnt like the atmoshpere again and its somewhere to go........he doesnt " get " it........that its him...

I left before , and i thought i was never going to go back , but i did and i have never understood why ive gone back up until now , as ive always felt strong enough to leave and stay away.
I beleive that ive had a breakthrough...........
I was watching Oprah over here a couple of weeks ago, its takes a couple of months to air what you see live , to get to us here in the UK.
I was watching the programme with guest Mindy Mccready on about her abusive relationship with her then boyfriend - Billy McKnight.
Her story hit home to me like a tornado turning round inside me.
She put up with him as she hadnt realised that she didnt love herself enough to put herself first, and the fact that she had deep childhood wounds from her mother.
Same as me , totally........
I cried with her,not realising why until i got a pen and piece of paper and started to write everything down , what she had said , how it mirrored my situation.

I will never get what i want from him , hes as messed up as i am, the difference is , im willing to get help.
He says hes not going to do it again , and then HE DOES IT AGAIN?..........and does it again.........

Im going to move out, the thing is i have no money , he controls that side of things.
We dont even have a joint bank account.
I have nothing , apart from the monthly child benefit which i spend on the girls.
He has 100k in the bank , and about 8k in his current account , which he uses to pay bills and food.....

I know this is VERY wrong , and please god strike me down if you think its wrong , " thou shall not steal ".........but i will be needing a cooker , fridge freezer, sofa, beds, he says im not talking anything if i move out.

Im very tempted to order things that i need online , using his card , as he has let me use it to buy my scrapbooking things on QVC most weeks.
I know the things i need will come to about $2000, but to me whats that out of all the money he has??? and hes driven me out when all said and done???

The most recent thing thats happened is - i accidentally spilt a cup of tea in the living room , and he BLEW up at my in my face , i said , why are you talking to me like that , he said if youre going to act like a child YOU WILL BE TREATED LIKE ONE?????........
i quickly said do you really expect me to put up with this from you , he said .............IF YOU WANT TO ???......that says it all doesnt it , im so angry at him , i dont see why i should have to walk away from with nothing , the least he could do it provide me with basic stuff i need for the house..............what do you think.............thanks

love and hugs

Tracey x x x

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 6:38am

Hi, Tracey! I don't know how things work in the UK, but in the US you would be entitled to part of the money he has socked away in his bank accounts, because you are a partner in the marriage. Please see an attorney to learn what your rights are, and contact a domestic violence shelter as well. Your husband has brainwashed you into believing that you have no rights and no possessions within the marriage, and that is not the case.

Please let us know what you find out, and what you decide to do. We're here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:15pm
I agree with geoteo. The money, house and all possesions are as much yours as his. From my divorce experience, start buying what you need now. I was stupid enough to stock up on toilet paper when my friend told me this. I mean get everything that you need. Don't save the money for his next victim. Get yourself any clothes, furnishings or other neccesities. Talk to a lawyer ASAP.
I think that I have put up with so much too because I didn't love myself. That is what the DV counselor talked with me about last week. We need to work on our self-esteem. Not only so they don't hurt us but so it doesn't happen ever again with anyone else. Make a list of the good things about yourself. Actually write it out!
Strong
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 3:39pm

STRONG - are you agreeing with me that i should use his card?, after all im STILL his wife, his " other half ", equality and all that??.
Im not bothered about what he thinks , im bothered about getting into trouble.
Hes sat on all this money and ive got nothing.
I beleive im entitled to half of what he has.

My solicitor has " advised me " NOT TO use his card , but i cant see any other way.

I NEED STUFF

Thanks strong x x x x

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 3:47pm
What reason does the solicitor offer for that advice? Is this guy DV-conscious?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 3:59pm
Is your name on the card? I think that the worst that would happen that the amount spent would be deducted from your share of your divorce settlement if you got divorced. Some lawyers will give free consultations, maybe you should see one. Why do you think that this is HIS money??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 4:27pm

his name is on card, he " wont let me " have a joint account at all..........but he insists that all the money he has is OURS...........i still feel a bit guilty thinking about it tho , never mind doing it. The thing i feel more guilty for is hes saved up all this money for his retirement , he says it will give us a good life when hes not working , and im taking some of it away from him........

my solicitor is a DV expert ( she is )......this is what shes advised in an email --

You are entitled to take from the house anything that benefits the girls, such as their beds, wardrobes etc. If there are two TV's we see no reason why you should not have one, same if there are two stereos. Things like three piece suites, dining suites and white goods in the kitchen fridge freezer etc are more difficult. However, he can not expect you to live with nothing so if you take only absolutely necessary stuff and leave enough for him too then that should be okay. If there are more problems, please let me know. Sometimes it is better to do a list of the items you feel you absolutely need so that he can see you are not trying to fleece him.

but the thing is hes not going to let me take anything

so i cant see no other choice................keep posting , its helping me x x x x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:44pm
When my ex-husband (not my abuser)left me for another woman he didn't take anything but his clothes. He bought everything he needed new. The divorce took 2 years. During this time, we were legally separated and I had a temporary order of support.Even if you never got divorced, you may need a legal separation. At the end we split what was left. You should talk to an attorney like I said, try to get a free consultation. There are also boards online where attorneys will answer questions.


Edited 4/24/2006 10:46 pm ET by strong2006