Upset
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:24am |
My dh of almost 6 years and I are having a disagreement over my daughter in law (married to my son from a previous marriage) watching mine and dh's 4 year old daughter this summer for about 8 weeks in a home my son and her are in the process of buying. Fairly nice neighborhood, starter home, big chain link fenced back yard with swingset already there. My daugher in law is 18 and has one more class which she intends to take to finish high school - our daughter and her like each other. DH's reason for not wanting to take her out of day care (which dd doesn't always like) is that he doesn't trust the daughter in law, and fears my ex husband - which he can't stand - will be over there some and have access to our daughter. I say it will probably only be for 8 weeks, and the day care will take our daughter back if it doesn't work out. Plus it is farther for him to have to drive to pick her up. I said he wasn't thinking of our daughter's happiness, but only how it affects him. My ex and I have not spoken or seen each other for probably about 5 years now - no desire on either side. My son says his dad won't be out there much of any - he doesn't come to son's apartment now.
Am I wrong for trying to do this to both help my son and his wife out and quite possibly making our daughter happier while we work? DH doesn't know it yet, but I'm also thinking of only making her go to the mandatory half-day for kindergarten, picking her up at lunch and taking her to my son's house (assuming it works out) - I don't dare even mention that right now....
He doesn't have to drop her off every morning knowing that she doesn't really like it there. He does hear her ask every day if she has to go to day care (not fun when you have to work). I would ask the day care before withdrawing her if they'll take her back if it doesn't work out. I'm sure they will - they've had her since she was 6 weeks old...
I'm confused and tired of dh being so negative towards my son, much less his wife. And I had these kinds of disagreements with the ex over raising our son - one of the many reasons he's now my ex after I stayed with him 23 years - he left me when I turned 40 for a 17 year old. I still have issues with all that, which makes tough times even tougher for me. And, yes, I went through many counselors - they can't help any more than they already have. Any constructive response back will be much appreciated. I'm scared going forward with helping my son buy this house (only be the back up if they run out of money) without the "blessing" of my husband to help out where we can. Not to mention having to "bulldog" taking our daughter over there in spite of his objections if I think it's where she might be happiest for a few weeks this summer...

You might try this board as well:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rldealingwit&nav=start
This board deals with complicated in-law situations. I see from your post that the abuse angle is coming from your ex possibly showing up, but it seems to me that this is basically a family disagreement. It doesn't sound terrifically likely that your ex is going to turn up and act out at this late date, especially since he hasn't done so for all this time. I'm sure you'll get more feedback here, and you can see what these folks say.