I did what I did...lines are drawn
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 2:30pm |
Whoo-doggies!
My daughter (23yrs old) has issues. She's in a domestic violence situation. Mainly verbal with heaps of control, anger and putdowns. She's no saint. She's walloped him a few times and can swear like a sailor.
Regardless, he's (25 yrs old) mean to her. I've seen it and she's tried to leave 3 or 4 times in the 3 years she's lived with him.
Yesterday was a day that I stood up to him. Not only for myself, but hopefully as an example to her. Let me briefly tell the story.
My daughter came to visit me for the weekend. Why she called her boyfriend to join us on Sunday for a day out, I still don't know. But she did and it was to late to tell him not to come. He shows up, as his usually thuggy self with no emotion; looking like a funeral would of been more fun to be at and thugged on down the street with us. Yuck! My daughter tried to engaged him in conversation, but I swear she might of been talking to a brick wall for all the response she got outta him. I'm feeling the tension. We've been round this block before when he has come out to visit, so I figure I'll just wait it out till they leave.
We decide to go shopping (my daughter and I) and he says he should of stayed home. Perhaps he was bummed that he lost 400.00 dollars at the casino, but no reason to stew infront of us. Then he realizes he left his multi-million dollar pair of sunglasses at the food court and goes back to get them. My daughter tells me he didn't buy them anyway and wonders why he got so pissed. He comes back and proceeds to mumble that he's going home. My daughter begs, pleads and resigns herself to walking him to the bus stop. I tag along and about a block away from the bus stop, I say "There it is" and turn around with my now crying daughter and walk back up the hill.
Shortly there after she turns around and who should be pulling up the rear but the magic manipulator himself. We stop, she cries, begs and pleads. He mumbles something about changing his mind and this is when I cut in:
"To late", I say. "Your behavior and attitude is totally out of line. I cannot go on the rest of the day and pretend this didn't happen." I said, "I'm going home." I told my daugter you can decide what you want to do but this day is over as far as I'm concerned. She tells me not to make her "have to choose" and that is when I said I'm going to the bathroom.
I called her dad (very level headed wise man that he is) and both of us agreed that this bf shouldn[t' be ruining my day. After the call I went back down and said "you two have some things to work out; it's a nice sunny day, which I want to enjoy so you can get your stuff now or later at my place but I'm going home to enjoy the rest of my day. I'll be there when your ready to get your things".
So she and her bf come up the hill with me to get her stuff and as she was leaving my apartment I said "Can I talk to you for a minute" and she said "no, I dont want to talk about it. All he wanted to do was apologize to you, but you wouldn't let him". She did give me a hug before she left. She knows deep inside that I did the right thing. I know she does
Ha! He mumbled not one word all the way home. Plenty of chances to do so, but nothing.
So the lines are drawn and I feel good.
I'm sure he's going to try and polarize me and my daughter, but perhaps my demonstration allowed her to see that not everyone is going to tolerate his manipulation.
Going forward is where I need help. Any words of wisdom from y'all?
Thanks for letting me vent

Duster,
Good job and good for you. You handled that wonderfully. Being on the outside and looking in is much easier now. I lived that crapola, can I say that, for 28 years that your daughter is going through. Good for you Mom. My family was always behind me but I kept it to myself what was actually going on inside my marriage. We didn't have a name for it years ago but do now, once I gave it a name "domestic abuse (violence)" no turning back. Take care and keep trying to help you daughter, I would want you on my side.
Luv, Sherry
FWIW, I think you did the right thing. He is going to try to use this to come between you and your daughter, as you know, but it's also important that she knows that someone besides her sees the situation as unacceptable.
I've posted this before, but one of the most frustrating things about my own situation was that everyone kept carrying on about how wonderful he was, then when I did dump him, started on the "Boy, am I glad HE's gone!" The reasons for not having said something were many, but all equally lame. It actually took me longer to get out than it otherwise would have, because I kept thinking that if no one else saw a problem, *was* there really one? And of course that's exactly what he wanted me to think.
Just continue to be supportive of her while letting him know that his antics are unacceptable. It may take her awhile to feel ready to leave, but she'll know where she can go when she is.