QOTW: Why did you/do you stay?
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QOTW: Why did you/do you stay?
| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:00pm |
A common question and sometimes I don't understand the answers either.
| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:00pm |
A common question and sometimes I don't understand the answers either.
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Why I stayed:
God values legal marriage more than the individual's sanity.
The first half of your list I would have to add to mine. However, I was for the most part aware that he was abusing me, but never called it abuse. Also because I figured if I allowed it then it was partly my fault. I also partly believed that it was my fault for making him angry. I remember so frequently calling my mother, crying, saying he did this or that to me. I remember purposely only telling her about the verbal abuse and skipping over the physical because I was too embarrassed to admit that I put up with it. I also remember telling her that I think he is capable of seriously hurting me, and then with hesitation, telling her that he is perhaps even capable of killing me. That was only maybe 3 years into the 13 year relationship. But then he would seem nice. No, he never showered me with gifts (actually I received next to nothing, including Bdays and Xmas, for those 13 years), he only told me how much he loved me. He would tell me how beautiful I am. I guess that is what I was eating up. I just wanted to hear those things, so I stayed. Then the abuse would start again and he would say he doesn't love me, thinks I am getting 'flabby' and doesn't want to be with someone ugly. I would be hurt because I wasn't getting what I needed, which was to hear the nice things. Then he would go back to telling me he loves me and the doubt would disappear again. And so it continued over and over and over again. Some abuse cycles only with verbal abuse, some with physical...but as long as I eventually got those words, I was ok until the next cycle.
Guess I figured out eventually that those words were meaningless and stopped putting up with it.
However, I did discover in the two years since I found my courage to leave that there was another reason I stayed that I was not aware of at the time but have come to understand. I never understood how I SHOULD be treated by a man, I never understood that I should be loved and cherished, respected, that I deserve affection, attention and adoration but I do now and I will never, ever settle for less becasue until it comes along I can be emotionally, spiritually fulfilled through valuing myself, loving my children, being a friend, a daughter, a person that I like and respect. It was a hard learned lesson but I am so happy it wa learned in time for me to experience it.
I hope this helped someone to seek their courage to leave or even to reach out for help.
Lisa
I thought I could "fix" him. He was everything I thought I'd wanted and never had- romantic (oops, make that over-possessive), had a close-knit family- his mom was great, I still wish there'd been a way to ditch him and keep her. Stereotypical tall-dark-n-handsome, had an advanced degree. He would have been a really spectacular "catch", if he hadn't also been an emotional mess with absolutely no sense of cause-and-effect relationships. I thought if only I could "hang in there" and "fix him", what a great catch this would be!
The wisest thing I ever heard of came from a lady I was pen pals with at the time. She was older than I, and had BTDT. She wrote, "Honey, this is not the Marines. You don't get honorable discharge papers and college money at the end of your tour of duty. There is no reason to 'hang in there'." So, I think that's a question to ask yourself if you're staying- what, at the end of the day, are you REALLY going to gain from doing so?
1. The torment I know he will inflict upon me if I do leave. (IE: constant phone calls,threats,following me,having his family "watch" me,using the children as leverage..etc)
2.I've always,from the time I was a child,had someone telling me what to do.As much as I hate it,I've grown so used to it that I fear I can't function on my own.I have anxiety attacks just thinking about it.
3.Financial reason: I have no job, no training & 4 children.
I'm working hard on all of these issues,& I feel that I'm progressing...slowly but surely.
I stay because I worry about him. That he's alone. He has no freinds, his mom passed away a year ago, he's had four surgeries in two years (broken collar bone and broken rotar cuff) and because I think he truly loves me. Plus, he only hits me once every few years when I "egg him on."
Great question. I haven't read the other answers yet but my main reason for staying so long is fear. Not that I'm afraid of living on my own with two small children. I have no doubt I could handle that. It would be tough, but I could do it. My first fear is H's reaction when I finally tell him I can't do this anymore. The only violent things he's done is once punching a hole in the wall, once throwing a phone at the wall and then random slamming doors, kicking toys, etc. Also, when I was very late getting home one night he had locked me out with the chain on the door and when he opened it for me he grabbed me by my purse and shirt and pulled me inside. I had my keys in my hand and started pounding on his chest and he let go. Moments later is when he punched the hole in the wall. I guess that incident keeps me wondering what would happen if I ever left. Would I be the one he punched?
The biggest fear factor is how he'll be with my kids. I know he'll want to tell them it's my fault, that I'm breaking up our family, that I'm sending him away, that "mommy doesn't want daddy around anymore" - things like that. I don't want him to start the mind games and guilt with them. Right now, it's minimal and they hardly ever see us fight. I fake my way through most everything and have at least convinced him that it's not good for them to see us in a big fight.
Slowly my fears of the example our marriage is setting for them are taking over the fears listed above. Slowly but surely, I hope. I'm getting tired of being so afraid.
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