Having problem w/no contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Having problem w/no contact
4
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 7:29am
He called Sunday nite really late drunk. He never drinks and called saying he was out I told him I was sleeping. He called me in the morning to tell me that another girl he talked to about our relationship said that if I really loved him and he told me not to drink I would do it. But he can do it the nite before right. This girl also said that I keep bringing up the past (he did not say of course what he did to me) because I am wrong in the present. How is going out with some friends and having a drink so wrong? What is that suppose to mean. I am pretty sure that this girl has no idea that he was slamming my head into the car door, choking me, grabbing me, punching me, slapping me, breaking me property, etc and this was not the past but a week ago. He says that I was wrong because if I loved him I would not have taken my behind to the bar. WHen I said first do you remember what you did to me a week ago he said that we were past that and if I was so upset and stuck on that I would not have talked to him this past week. Is he right? I mean I did not want to talk to him and didnot for a couple days but he kept calling and I guess I was weak. He said he was sorry and finally got it about what it does to me but now it is back to the I am wrong for going out with friends and drinking and he has totally forgotten about him hurting me. Why do I keep taking his calls and calling him back. I mean what the h*** is wrong with me. I am a glutone for punishment. I felt like such crap about myself all day yesterday because he kept calling me but kept saying that he was with other girls, he is not my boyfriend, can do what he wants, I dont really care about him because another girl said it (I would have not drank if I loved him), my roomate would not still be there, yada yada. I made a mistake of telling him of a fight I had with my roomate and thought he was half normal and would be supportive and listen to me but no. He just threw it in my face saying was I supportive when he was crying over me being at a bar(it wasnt really a bar but restaurant and show for bachlorette party) and he loves me so much that he left his sick moms house to see if I was home and he stood in the rain thinking I got in a car accident. (I never told him to do anything) Then he threws it in my face that he does not want me anymore and that he cant handle it. It is like a yoyo. One second he is telling me he wants nothing to do with me and making me feel like complete utter crap about myself and I on the otherhand I am begging him to talk to me and to give us a shot. Then When I come back to reality and realize that I really dont think he is worth it and I deserve so much better he starts with the I love you honey and why cant you just respect me and make us a family crap. It is a big roller coaster ride. I have been pretty good about not seeing him but the phone calls are driving me crazy if it isnt me calling him it is him calling me. How do you get by the urge to answer the phone? Because everytime I do say that I am done and dont deserve this crap and him abusing me is wrong and I wont take it I get sucked back into feeling like I am wrong and I am apologizing and begging him to forgive me for something that I did not even think was wrong at the begining of the conversation. I mean I sounded like a complete fool yesterday and thought so badly of myself when I talked to him. When he called me back later on last nite I thought about things and told him that I have no idea why I listen to a word out of his mouth. I said I feel like utter sh** everytime and I sound like a moron begging him to talk to me when he was strangling me and grabbing my face just a week ago. Help...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 9:50am

I can totally relate to your post. Abusers lie and make excuses. If I talked about something he did to me the day before, then he said I was bringing up the past. BUT if he talked about something I supposedly did to him over a year ago, it was legitamate. Abusers are LIARS and MANIPULATORS. That's why NO CONTACT is important. No one is so strong that we can listen to his crap and not begin to feel bad. I used to think that if I was strong enough, I could talk to him or listen to him and not be effected. Well, wrong. And then I began to believe I don't owe him anything. He will say the same BS over and over again. Year after year, his BS never changed. He never forgave me for any little offense or wrong word, and yet I could bring up something that happened just two seconds prior and he would accuse me of living in the past or having unforgiveness. Abusers are accusers. They will never understand someones else's point of view.

Finally, I told myself I didn't owe him anything (as someone put it, I didn't have to listen to his crocodile tears). Finally, I told myself I didn't need his approval or understanding. I didn't need him to admit what he did to me. I could just simply ignore him. Forgive him and ignore him. I pray for his healing, but choose not to have any contact with him.

I stopped answering calls that I didn't recognize the number. Then I finally, got the strength to HANG UP at the sound of his voice. I no longer need to hear what he has to say. I feel free. Praise Jesus!!

You know what he's going to say. It will be one tactic or another to make you feel small so he can maintain control over you. Don't answer the phone. Don't call him. Buy a good self-healing book and read it whenever you feel like talking to him. Get on here and post or answer posts when you feel like calling him. Find a friend or accountability partner you can call to vent frustrations. But DO NOT call him or answer his calls. Focus on your healing. And the only way to do that is by NO CONTACT. Take it from someone who's been there.

Love,
Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 11:26am
Do you have Caller ID? If not, get it. DH and I got it for other reasons, but it's an absolute godsend when we don't want to talk to someone, even if the someone is just a telemarketer. It may cost a little extra per month, but it is so worth it. This will help you, because the best way to keep from talking to him is not to pick up his calls at all.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 12:00pm
crk...the guy will do ANYTHING to get you to comply to HIS WAY. He probably didn't even talk to any girl about any of it. He just thinks you're easy to manipulate and that the "get someone to back his position" tactic might work on you. And if he did talk to a girl, then he lied to her to get the answers he wanted. Plain and simple. He is not dealing with you fairly or honestly. None of his tactics deserve consideration. You know you're not doing anything wrong by what you've done. End of story. You have EXTREMELY good reasons for not allowing the jerk to move in with you. Period. And you have the RIGHT to drink or go ANYWHERE you want to go. Period. Whether he likes it or not. If he doesn't like it, he can LEAVE. None of these things have anything to do with love or respect as he keeps saying. What they have to do with is power and control and his ridiculous expectation that you're supposed to obey him without question. That has nothing to do with love AT ALL. And respect is not about "obeying" someone. So all this talk he keeps spewing about loving and respecting him, just know that his definitions of those things are warped and not the same as non-abusive peoples. Obviously, you will not be able to give him the "love and respect" he's demanding because you're a real human being and not a robot who obeys commands. The guy's a complete dumb*ss. He's not capable of true love and respect with a woman and he's not even close to being good enough for you or anyone else. He's a total loser. I don't know why you're such a glutton for punishment, as you put it. But the only way to end the abuse is to end all contact with him. There will be no change in him. He is a hard-core, highly manipulative, violent abuser and he always will be. If you want the torture to end, you will have to buck up and get through the flood of bad feelings that comes with breaking it off and maintaining no contact until they go away. They WILL go away. Just as they did when you left the last abuser. Good luck to you, crk. I wish you only the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 2:48pm

First of all, who is this "girl" and what does she know about you & your life? I wouldn't give a rats behind what SHE thought,if she even exists.He may just be playing another mind game.

I know that it's hard to stop talking to him altogether, but believe me it truly is in your best interest to follow the NO CONTACT advice.Abusers work by manipulating you..if he cant talk to you, he cant manipulate you.Follow me?

If he's such a great guy & you're such a "terrible" person, then why doesnt he just move on?? Because he know's that HE'S the bad guy.It's all a game with them.Once you've stopped having contact,and your mind clears you will see things from a whole different perspective.

Serenity