How Do You Know You're Not The Abuser?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
How Do You Know You're Not The Abuser?
3
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 3:52pm
Just an idea I've been thinking about it. My first dh of 23 years was very abusive - I didn't realize how much until I got away from him (actually - kicked him out. That was fun)...Anyway, almost 6 years into the 2nd marriage - it was pretty rough at first, but it's evened out. We've got an adorable 4 y.o. dd - who can be a handful sometimes (headstrong about getting her way). Anyway, I do lose my temper sometimes, and raise my voice louder than I should. I put dd in "time out" if she is acting inappropriately/out of control (crying for what she wants and doesn't necessarily need it right then), etc. Where's the line? My temper normally doesn't stay bad for long - I get over it and/or go somewhere until I calm down. I guess I still have doubts because my ex, of course, accused me of everything under the sun when, in fact, it was mostly him and his severe emotional problems. Pretty bad when a counselor refuses to see you any more because he knows you've lied to him (yes, that was my ex all over...)..Any constructive comments are welcome..
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 12:15am
Everyone loses their temper, unless they're superhuman, which is not most of us. However, normal people calm down, accept responsibility for their actions, and feel remorse for what they've done. Abusers don't calm down, they only put it on the back burner. They don't accept responsibility for their actions, they try to push it off onto other people (i.e. the "You egged me on" line). Above all, they don't feel remorse. They may SAY they do because they know it's what you want to hear, and they may feel upset that they got caught, but they don't feel true remorse, because they see nothing wrong with their actions. Losing your temper, or raising your voice once in awhile, is not the same thing.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 8:34am

Sanks, I always feel terrible when I lose my temper, and blame myself for doing it. And try to do stuff to make up for it (if I would just learn to not lose my temper, it would cost me alot less at the store!) ;)

Do you have any idea why ivillage keeps deleting my messages?? That's been going on awhile..I don't think I've violated any of their policies...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 11:29am
Your account may have some type of glitch; if you were getting posts pulled, they'd e-mail you with an explanation. E-mail the CMs at relationshipscm@mail.ivillage.com and they'll help you figure out what's going on. Other people have complained about this, so it's not just you.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com