I feel like I'm going crazy......
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I feel like I'm going crazy......
| Wed, 04-26-2006 - 10:44am |
I guess I was stupid to think that just because he was keeping to himself instead of argueing with me it would maybe stay like that for a little bit. I was wrong. He started again yesterday. For no reason either. I still dont' know what I did wrong. We were supposed to go out to my parents house to visit. First he didn't want to go, cause he said he was tired. (he works 3rd shift) But apparently he had enough strength to play basketball with his cousins. Which by the way I asked him if my son and I could go with him and play at the park. He said NO!!!! He said that I had no business going cause there were guys there. I laughed at him and said "so what, me and our son will be playing at the playground" I just wanted to take my son out and play cause it was a beautiful day. But of course he left and I was home alone with the baby. He came home and said okay lets go. Which was a surprise to me. After getting myself and my son ready to go, he got angry at me for the way the house looked. I was blown away, cause the kitchen was done, but there were a few things laying around. I said that I didn't feel up to cleaning the rest of the house, (gee maybe it has somthing to do with the fact that I"m 6 months preg and I get tired easily!!!!!) and that I would do it later. He blew up at me and said we weren't going. At that moment I started to yell at him from the top of my lungs!!!!! Cursing left and right (which I don't normally do) Telling him that he is not my father to be punishing me and that we had told my parents that we were coming. All he did was laugh in my face and call me a little girl for having a temper tantrum. I WAS SO ANGRY!!!!!! I was shaking and my heart hurt. It was a crazy experience. I can't believe the anger that comes out of me. of course he can never stop there. He continues to pantranize me and says hurtful and stupid things that have no relivance. And this is what I hate the most about it all. At the end when he "gets over it" he comes to me and starts being lovey dovey towards me. It's discusting!!!!!!!! I find myself talking out loud when he is not around. Like if someone else is there. There is so much that I want to say to him that I can't cause he never just listens, so I talk to myself. Isn't that crazy??? Just another day of the same crap!!!!!!!! Erg!!!!! Thanks for letting me vent.

Reading your post was like reading a page out of my own diary. I understand how you feel. Do you have a local support group near you? Having someone to talk to (other than your husband) and hearing someone's voice helped me feel sane after a day of listening to him. You are pregnant, you have a RIGHT to put off house work, or have emotions on edge. What's his excuse? He's the crazy one and his behaviour is meant to confuse you and throw you off balance. His behavior is deliberate and malicious. Whereas your mood swings or anger is legitimate and normal. Talking to yourself out loud, I think, is a healthy step. You are processing your feelings rather than locking them up inside. I wrote my thoughts/feelings/needs down on paper. Writing them down helped calm my brain down. Because sometimes I felt like my head was spinning and I was so upset that my husband didn't understand me. After reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", I learned why my husband couldn't or wouldn't understand me. And I didn't want to live that way anymore. When I was pregnant my husband treated me worse than before. I pray that you have family and friends surround you with support and encouragement. God loves you! You are his precious daughter. I pray that you and every woman on these boards will receive wisdom from above. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Love,
Loonybunny
No I dont' have a local support group or anybody. He won't let me go to couceling. And when I try to get close to a friend it's so hard to keep them because he is always breathing down my neck. The last friend I try to have was my cousin. Her and I were sooo close. But he started accusing me of cheating on him with others and wouldn't let me go out with her to places. All she could do was come over while he was there. And she hated how he was treating me, so now she doesn't come over at all. It's like not worth having anythig for myself, cause I always have to justify it with him and explain my every move!!! I hate it!! I feel so lonely it makes me sick inside. I get all choked up and just talk to myself to hear someone elses voice but my own. The only other person is my son. He is the one that I hold close, hug tight and give my undivided attention to. I thank him every day for being there for me. Even tho I am HIS mother.
What is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"??? Is it somthing that I can read?? Thank you for your encouraging thoughts.