what do you tell friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
what do you tell friends?
3
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 3:32am
Hi. This is Soo-yon. I'm doing fine thanks to all your help and support. I'm getting along okay with other people. Still shy to get closer, but I'm working on it slowly. I've told some of my friends I broke up with my boyfriend but I can't find the right words when they ask why. I just say he's been giving me a hard time. Then two of my frineds would say, he looked like a nice person. One of them only saw him for a couple of minutes(my ex couldn't stand sitting there in the coffee shop with me and her so he left almost as soon as he said hello to her.) Another had met with me and my ex and another friend of mine several times in the past for drinks.
It's so frustrating. I don't knnow what to say when people ask me why I broke up with him afetr all those years together. I know I looked happy with him to other people around us. I even thought so myself. I just thought the "bad" times were there because of me, so I thought we could live happily ever after together if I was good enough and "behaved".
One part of me doesn't want to be going around telling bad things about him but another part of me wants to talk about the pain I've gone through. I've been embarassed to tell anyone about the abuse because I thought it was because of me. And I'm still scared to tell anyone because I don't know if they will understand. Would showing them the materials on abusive relationships help? I even thought of talking to someone at church.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 6:09am

Hi, Sooyon!

I've been wondering how you're doing. You know your culture and your friends better than we do, so you may have to adapt our advice. As far as casual acquaintances are concerned, you can be vague and say, "It's sad, but sometimes things don't work out." If they persist, you can say, "It's painful to talk about this. Let's talk about something more cheerful. How are your grandchildren?"

If you are going to have a serious conversation with a close friend, and actually describe his abuse of you, other people on the board will probably have some very workable suggestions for how to approach the subject. I am wondering if you will find that a number of women you know have had similar experiences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 11:25am
You might say something like, "We just wanted different things out of life." Of course, the things he wanted out of life were a convenient victim and maid :P, but they don't need to know that. Particularly with the attitude you've described your culture as having towards abusers, I'm not sure that telling them what happened would do any good.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 7:26am
Hi Geo-teo and Skycat. Thanks for the helpful advice. Recently, there's a campaign run by Body Shop and the Ministry of Gender Equality. It's about getting rid of domestic abuse in Korea. They say one out of six families have domestic abuse problems. A woman killed her husband last November because she couldn't stand the abuse any more. I guess the society here is growing more aware of the issue now. But still I think I should stay quiet about my relationship with my ex till I can really trust someone to fully understand me.
I'm happy to have all of you here and know that I am not alone. These days rather than missing the relationship I sometimes feel so angry at my ex for doing such mean things to me and it gives me the creeps just thinking how a person who says they love you can be like that.
By the way, I've been at the hospital today. The doctor said she thinks I might have the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I'll get the hormone test results next week. I looked it up on the internet and they say one of the main causes could be mental stress. Are there any others who've been in abusive relationships that get the same ilness like me? I've also had severe anemia last year. I was almost hospitalized then.
I realize how destructive the relationship has been to me. Both physically and mentally.
Thank you for al the help and support to help me make the decision to leave him. You have saved my life.