feeling so unsure and upset...
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feeling so unsure and upset...
| Mon, 05-01-2006 - 12:00pm |
Hi, I am feeling so unsure and upset lately. If it is not one thing it is another thing that I am dealing with in my life. My ex I have been talking too off and on since we broke up. First I took his calls because he said he was sorry and wanted to work on things. Then he started to blame me for our problems telling me my roomate is the major cause of our relationship problems as well as me going out and drinking with my friends(which I did twice in the last month.) He tells me he cant be with me know because of that and he knows it wont change. Then I act like I dont care and he wants to work on things again and wants to see me, crys about all thw wrong I do to him them when I start saying I am sorry for causing him to feel like that and for the stress he doesnt want me again. It is a total rollercoaster ride so many ups and downs. He wants me then doesnt. Know I feel like a total loser because I am calling him begging him to see me and to take me back. He is telling me that he cant because I cant change what is hurting him and that I disrespect him by drinking alcohol. He is acting like I do it all the time which I dont I rarely do it at all. So now I feel unwanted, unloved, hurt and stupid. His phone is in my name and we talked about it that I was going to leave it under my name and he would pay the bill. Right know I think that I should just turn the phone off eat the last bill and turn off cost and change my number so he cant call me. I feel so stupid and I dont know why I have to blame myself all the time. I know he is wrong for hurting me and yet I still feel like it is my fault. I kept that line of communication open like an idiot and now I feel like I deserve all this and I dont understand why. I am feeling anxious again and sick to my stomach.

Everything that you have described in your post hun, is a common classical abuser. Abusers don't change nor do they take responsibility for their actions. One of the many common classics is putting the blame on the victim, which is exactlly what he is doing. You are NOT to blame here. However, I must encourage to stop contacting him. Are you stupid for contacting him? No. Do you need to stop contacting him? Yes. He wants you to remain in contact with him because he knows he has that control over you. The constant yo-yoing and rollercoaster behavior is all to common with an abuser. One minute they dish out the "I'm sorry" and then they put all the blame on their victim. He is NOT changing, nor will he ever at this rate. But honey, we can't stress enough the No Contact rule. Yes, it is hard, we have all been there and gone thru it. But the more you remain in contact with your abuser, you will never heal. You have got to stop contacting him hun, you've got to. He is effecting your overall health and that's why you are stresses and sick to your stomach. The constant yo-yoing and rollercoaster behavior is very common for an abuser. You're not stupid at all, so stop beating yourself up. He still has that control or "power over" you and the only way for it to stop, is to stop contacting him.
You are NOT to blame for any of this. No one deserves to be abused. He can tell you how sorry he is all he wants too, but then turning around and putting the blame on you, common classic. I encourage you to look at the website in my sigline. There is a link on there regarding the First 100 Days. It's a story about a woman's triumph after finally leaving her abusive spouse. I encourage you to read it. You are also more than welcome to swing by the domestic abuse new beginnings board as well, which you can go to directly, the link is in my sigline.
But please don't blame yourself, thats what he wants you to do. Just remember, NO CONTACT. *huge hugs to ya my friend
The most important thing is to keep from contacting him. You're not stupid for wanting to- after all, he was a big part of your life for a long time- but he is using the opportunity to try to fill you with nonsense that simply isn't true. Nobody deserves abuse. Period end of story. He chose to do what he did, nobody made him.
Getting your number changed may not be a bad idea, if you think it will help you. It'll at least make it harder for him to try to feed you this garbage.
I have gone through simi similar experience. My exboyfriend was abusive mentally, emotionally, physically, and verbally! I signed a home equity loan with him for $15,000 which was a big mistake. Anyway, after we broke up, I stayed in contact thinking that if I was nice to him then he wouldn't hurt me regarding the loan. Big mistake! I just recently after 6 months of dating someone new, did I finally change my home and cell phone number. He can still call my work unfortunately. Luckily though, he hasn't because I think that he got the message.
Anyway, you need to know that you are in control over your anxiety. It is a hard lesson that I learned and probably took me 15 years and three different abusive relationships back to back to finally have that lesson learned. You carry a burden and you can't just dump it or it becomes a big pile of crap that just surrounds your life. You have to dump it and then stomp on it or roll over it with heavy equipment. Meaning: You can't just dump it, look at it, analyze it, stew over it, or even get so much advice you aren't doing anything about it. Stomp on it or get angry (you have that right). Cancel your phone or just don't answer his calls.
Taking charge over the situation and taking charge over your life is the plan of action you must take. Let fear go. It doesn't help. It only makes you go backwards. The hardest part of life, I have found is being afraid and letting the what if's keep you from moving forward. You are either in a standstill or moving backwards. Decisions is what life is all about. Make them based on all the information today. Trust your judgement. Say, I am doing the very best that I can and I am going to move forward. When making your decision say, I feel anxiety (which is usually your body telling you that there is something wrong and you need to change some area of your life). Your mind didn't listen so your body is now giving you a very clear message to change something. One last thing regarding decisions, you make new ones in the future based on new circumstances or new situations. There are very few decisions like having an abortion or something like that that is seriously a life and death decision to make. Meaning, do the very best that you can and not treat every decision as life and death. Put things into better perspective.
I hope this helps. It sure helped me writing done all that I have learned. I feel I have learned more than I ever gave myself credit for. Thank you for that.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~