Does he typically move on quickly
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| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:43am |
Hi All:
I am doing good with no contact. FINALLY! I have no desire to talk to him or see him, and he is not doing his usual tearful calls and showing up at the house. It has been peaceful and I have been working out, working hard, spending time with pets, friends and family.
I got thrown for a loop though this weekend. I found out he is out in bars, (That which he would accuse me of and scream at me and torment me for when I wasn't even in bars), I heard he is dating anything with boobs, i have heard he is out there being Mr. wonderful looking for a new girlfriend.
I am trying to heal and make sure I neer put myself through a horrible relationship again. I can't even THINK of dating yet.
Because he verbally and mentally abused me so bad I have to reprogram myself.
Here is my question, do abusers move on very quickly? I mean is it just their nature?
I do not want him back, I promise. I am just curious. I was thinking last night, good riddance, let him be someone elses problem, however, is he just going to do the same to the next girl too?

Congratulations on the NO CONTACT, its a tough one for us sometimes and its especially hard to set our boundaries and maintain them because the keep trying to get around them. Keep up the good work and keep working on those things because it is totally worth spending the effort on ourselves.
As for the moving on quickly part, I noticed that my xh did and he goes through "girlfriends" like Kleenex while I briefly dated one guy in the 2.5 years since I left. You are on the right track with the idea of healing, it is so very important to heal fully and to understand and love who we are, if we dont we are doomed to repeat our mistakes or make worse ones. Keep doing that because someday you will be able to enjoy a healthy, loving relationship with someone who respects and adores you.
As for abusers they will keep going through other women until they find someone that they can control, manipulate and abuse...they know how to play that game and its the only one they know. When they find someone then they will do exactly the same thing over again.
Lisa
This is what I've heard/seen ...
On the outside abusers move on quickly. Meaning they start dating or sleeping with someone new quickly. They need a new outlet or scapegoat.
However, on the inside.. they never move on. Meaning even after they have a new girlfriend, sometimes even after they've remarried, they NEVER stop trying to control YOU. (okay, never say never but..). Abuser are obsessive controllers. If they can't have you then rarely do they want you to be happy or move on to someone new. So my point is don't lower your guard where he's concerned. Keep seeking healing. Keep NO CONTACT or if children are involved MINIMAL contact. Even though they never move on or get healing... that doesn't mean that you cannot move on and recieve TOTAL healing.
God Bless,
Loonybunny
>>>I do not want him back, I promise. I am just curious. I was thinking last night, good riddance, let him be someone elses problem, however, is he just going to do the same to the next girl too?<<<
Yes, he will treat the next girl the same.
"However, on the inside.. they never move on. Meaning even after they have a new girlfriend, sometimes even after they've remarried, they NEVER stop trying to control YOU. (okay, never say never but..). Abuser are obsessive controllers. If they can't have you then rarely do they want you to be happy or move on to someone new. So my point is don't lower your guard where he's concerned. Keep seeking healing. Keep NO CONTACT or if children are involved MINIMAL contact. Even though they never move on or get healing... that doesn't mean that you cannot move on and recieve TOTAL healing."
That is EXACTLY true! My ex would go on and on and on about his exes. Talk about them all the time. A few main ones, I think one was just a sexual partner that never turned relationship that he still talks to to this day.
He'd go on about Jen, saying she's so great, even though it's been 6 months since the breakup and she's out of state. I didn't understand what was so great about her and it made me so jealous. After a while, he'd stop talking about her, but then start right back up again. Telling me stories of how they got together and what they did together. Blah blah blah. I hated it when he'd compare me to her. Even though, it wasn't anything bad. "She had shuch a kind heart.. just like you"
Then, there was Karen, (someone I knew before I met him and DIDN'T like and he knew this). He'd go on about how she cheated on him twice, so he's trying to say he's the victim there. And then he'd proceed to tell me stories about what they did together, as if I cared.
Oh, and we can't forget Raeanne! Who he's been in love with for 8 years. They've been "close" for so long, that they thought I'd be okay with him switching the boyfriend role from me to her.
And, omg, poor Brandy got the worst of it. He abused her soo bad. She'd walk in on him and Karen at one point..Raeanne at one point..and I believe Amber, too. (The sex buddy)He even hit her when she was pregnant. :-( Denies it, of course! (I found out these things from other people after the breakup) To this day, even though it's been years since they've been together, he talks all kinds of trash about her. I heard about her since we first got together and found out he called her just weeks into our relationship. Haha.
I had no idea why he'd talk about his exes so much. I didn't understand what was so special about every single one of them. We had a talk about this one night and he said something like, "I still have love for every single one of them and I always will" and he said that *IF* we ever break up, because he doesn't ever want us to, then he'll always love me and would like to be friends. And he said he'd talk about me all the time like that too with his future girlfriend. Poor girl. I also asked him how many girls he's loved and he said 7. So that means he abused six others before me. He needs help.
Oh, and to add, he also straight up admitted that it was impossible for him to move on.
I know he's moved on phsically from me, because someone mentioned something about how he "got some" a few days after our breakup. That person is a good friend of his, so I know I was supposed to know this. lol.
All men are different, however imho many abusers are afraid to be alone and use women to make themselves feel more powerful. They are all about the control of the other person.
In my situation I kicked him out several times and he would date around, but then come back. It wasn't until I moved into my own place that he had never lived in, and then got a boyfriend that he moved on. He moved several states away and found another girlfriend. He is terrified (he tells me this weekly) that she's about to leave him. To my knowledge he's never hit another woman, but I think this girlfriend is easier to control than I ever was. Your concern for the next woman is a real fear, and understandable, however it needs to become someone else's problem. You have bigger things to work on than to save the world from him.
you can do it.