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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
New to board
7
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 2:35pm

this is so scary to type this let alone admit to my self.

Let me start here. The other day I was listening to a talk radio station and they were talking about all forms of domestic abuse. That even if my husband does not physically hurt me, that I can still be an abused wife..... Then it hit me. I am.

We've been married for 14 years, and in those years I have been screamed at, threatened with divorce or taking my children away, and told that I am an idiot more often than I care to list. I am a working mother with sons ages 10 and 13. Everytime they see me cry (after an episode) I plead with my boys to NEVER do this to their wives when they grow up. I want to leave, but i am to afraid of what he will do (take my kids away) or say to embarrass me so much that I would have to leave everyone, and everything I love. You see, I am a really bad housekeeper. Since I work all day, I can hardly get the laundry done and put away, and it get really backed up. I make sure my house is really clean when we have company, but my husband will then complain that the laundry is piling up and he can't take it anymore. I try to explain that I can't do it all, and he tells me that there are tons of other working mothers out there that can do it... I'm just to stupid to figure out how to do it, and that I am a poor excuse for a mother because I don't have a clean house. He will wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me and he pulled my hair a couple of times. He has also smashed my cell phone and thrown things at me in anger... although nothing ever hit me. I am trying to get involved at my temple...He tells me I shouldn't do it because I can't even take care of our house...how selfish is it that I do anything else. I hate my life with him... I wish I could kick him out of the house, but he runs his business there and I don;t want him not to be able to work. I feel so trapped. We went for help with a therapist once, and he was better for a while, but now it's back to the way it has always been. He is verbally abusive to my boys too, but if I try to point it out to him he tells me to shut up. I wish I could stand up to him, but I am so scared. I'm lost... any suggestions?

Love Text
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
In reply to: museforhim
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 3:24pm

Hello Muse,& welcome to the board.It definately sounds like you're being abused.Alot of women do not realize that abuse comes in more forms than physical.I was one of those women.My husband does not hit me,but emotionally abuses me horribly.

Alot of us here deal with the same issues,one of the hardest to overcome seems to be finding the courage to stand up to our abusers.But many have done just that,and it's been a blessing to watch them transform into happy,healthy people.

This board has been a God-send for many women,and I hope you find strength and courage here.

((hugs))
Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: museforhim
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 4:33pm

Name-calling is abuse, Threatening divorce to gain compliance, threatening to take children to ensure that their mother remains submissive, are all abuse.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: museforhim
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 4:28am

You AND your boys are being emotionally & verbally abused. Youre right.


What can you do about it?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
In reply to: museforhim
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:00am
ITA with the previous posters that this is definately emotional AND physical abuse, just becasue you are not black and blue does not mean you are not physically abused. My x would put me in headlocks, "play" punch my arm and back me into a corner wiht his hand raised - and I excused it because he didnt really hit me. I was wrong. I know what it is like to suddenly realize what your marriage is and you are doing the right thing buy reaching out. Please call a DV shelter and arm yourself with information...living in peace is an option, as is freedom from abuse. Talking to a trained DV professional will help you determine your next step and dont worry about inconviencing him or his business because the safety and well being of you and your sons is much more important. Please keep us posted, this Board has been a great help for myself and many other women in your situation.
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: museforhim
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:43pm

I know it is hard to decide what to do; that there are so many questions and doubts. It’s good that you have reached out to this board. It helps to talk things out and know you’re not alone. It’s good to recognize that he is abusive but I am sure there is a part of you that is still in denial; maybe thinking it’s not so bad or maybe he’ll change. Before I married my husband he threatened my life and I made an excuse for it “People say things they don’t mean when they are angry”. It wasn’t till 5 years later that I made a connection between his threat and the act of tampering with my utilities (gas, electric, water) “hoping the house would blow up with me inside”. I also thought I was tough and if he ever put his hands on me I would leave. Well, guess again, I didn’t. The first time he became physical with me he grabbed me, shook me and yelled at me while I was holding our son who was only a few months old. “He didn’t hit me, he only grabbed me”. It took me 3 years to decide to leave. I didn’t do it for me but for my son. Dealing with the divorce has been harder than the abuse but at least there is hope things will get better eventually.

Oh, I had a comment about cleaning house and doing the laundry. Just before or after (can remember) I file for divorce my husband told me I treated him like dirt because I didn’t fold his laundry. (I work 50 hours a week while he sat at home all day playing on the computer). Well, I snapped and pushed him. I was so upset that I had sunk to his level that I knew I had to get out. I like my house clean but I just don’t have the time to keep it up all the time so he called Child Protective Services on me and my mom’s (her house is really a mess). They stated that my son was not in any danger and there was nothing to be concerned about. (Just in cause he might use that tactic too).

Keep reaching out for help and you will come to a decision on what the right thing is to do for you and your boys. Don’t think about him, he is a grown man who can take care of himself. He obviously doesn’t think about you when he is hurting you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
In reply to: museforhim
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 8:41am
Thank you so much for all of your replies. They are bouncing around in my head and giving me the dose of reality that I needed. Boy how I had be smart enough years ago to recognize what was happening. Now I need to muster the strength to do what I have to do. I am so glad that I found this board. I will keep in touch.... It's funny, last night my husband was so nice and sweet....it's scary that I know that at anytime he could turn from Dr. Jekkyl to Mr. Hyde.
Love Text
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: museforhim
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 9:43am

Muse, I know all to well what you are going through. I tried emailing you through your profile but was unable to, If you'd like to email me, I'd love to talk to you sometime.
Take care...

((Hug))