In the early stages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
In the early stages
4
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 2:23am

Hi all!
I'm shocked that I am actually posting here tonight. I am in the early stages of realizing that I am in an abusive marriage and quite frankly I am scared and sad. I thought you had to be black and blue to really be abused and I am beginning to learn different.

The verbal, mental and emotional abuse I deal with on a daily basis is eating me away inside one cell at a time. so much I couldn't begin to cover it all, but if I had a dollar for every time I was called stupid, moron, f***ing idiot, bitch etc., I'd be a millionaire. Depending on his mood I am an incompetant wife, mother, housekeeper etc. When he's mad he contstantly threatens to leave me, take the kids away, find the perfect wife he deserves, etc. He whines about how every other woman he's known can do this better than me or that better than me. When I cry he's says I'm a baby or weak.

His latest comments tonight just before drifting off to sleep was that life with me is a lose-lose situation and he asks himself every day why he is still married to me. He will shock me awake at 5 in the morning to scream about lost keys, disorganization, whatever. The slightest noise at night now has me on my toes like a soldier ready to defend myself. He has told me that they would find me in a swamp before I would take his kids away. I know he would never do anything like that, but it is the need to mentally scare me, to control the situation that upsets me.

No matter what I do, it is never right. He says I am the one who made him this way. I could make someone go crazy. It's living with me that gets him as upset as he does. Here's the million dollar question. Why won't I leave? I consider myself intelligent, smart, strong. I know I could easily take care of myself and my 3 kids with no financial worries. Still I stay. When he's calm I say it's because I love him. What is really to love? I like being married and having an extended in law family, having a man around when he acts like a man. When he's nice I remember the good times and hope for more good than bad days. that is always a disappointment.

I try to rationalize that he just has a problem expressing his emotions. I tell myself he really doesn't mean it he is just trying to get to me or to vent. I am terrified of a custody battle, been though one before, and I can't bear the thought of having to "give up time" with my kids for his visitation. I fear that a divorce situation would make him an even worse ex husband than he is a husband.

At this point, I am just getting my feet wet, and would love to hear from others in the same situation or those who could offer advice. I am trying to arm myself with knowledge and understanding, and a little support wouldn't hurt. I either need to learn how to stay and survive, or survive leaving and moving on.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 8:44am

I am new to this board too !! I left my abusive ex and he threatened everything . He even sued me for my kids and took my house. Looking back though I know I had only a shell of a marriage that looked great on the outside . A friend once told me a good point though what's the point of life if you don't live it !! He then told me he had it all the big house , new car and it didn't mean a thing if you aren't happy . That is so true !! We all deserve to live a happy life even though it maybe a hard road to get there . I'm sure somebody else can be more helpful for you . But, I just wanted you to know your welcome here and send you some (((HUGS))).

Nicole
My current favorite quote -"don't hold strong opinions about things you don't understand"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 11:50am

No, sadly, you don't have to be black and blue to be abused. Neither my jerk nor my SIL's ever laid a hand on either one of us. Many other women here can say the same thing- and they can also tell you that the verbal kind of abuse is often the worst.

Why aren't you leaving? It may be because you simply don't feel ready. One thing we see a lot is posters whose well-meaning friends and relatives don't understand why they don't pack their bags and leave, never to return, at the first sign of abuse. It's seldom as simple as that.

To start, check out our board webpage, located at the top under the "Learn more about this community" link. You might also contact your local domestic abuse shelter; they should be in the yellow pages. And, feel free to keep on posting! :D

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 3:57pm

Well, if it is support you need than you have definately come to the right place. Welcome and big hugs to you. The realization of abuse does come as quite a shock to your system, I felt the same way making my first post to this board, I remember that clearly. I remember WANTING to be black and blue because that would be a very obvious reason for leaving but even when the bruises started it still was a while before I was able to leave. We all have our own time table. You are alreday taking the step I used when I was ready to survive leaaving - arm yourself wiht information. That was crucial for me as it eroded his mental hold over me and I was able to get through my fear. You can survive leaving and go on to live a happy, peaceful life, many of us here have done just that. We are living proof that you can too. Stick around, post often and know we are here for you. Please take care.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 4:17pm

It is quite a shock to realize that you're an abuse victim. Yeah, I sometimes wish I'd had bruises to prove it to the world. But I know how strong my X is, and if he ever hit me, I knew I might not survive to show off the bruises.

You ask, "Why won't I leave?" I think you will, soon. When you realize that your marriage is the model your kids will have as they grow up. Your sons will grow up to treat women they way you are being treated, and your daughters will seek out boyfriends who are "just like daddy". When you realize that, when you see signs of it, you'll leave.

And another thing that helps is to realize that you *can* be happy. That there *are* men out there who are kind and gentle and caring and giving and who know how to accept and give love.

It won't be easy, and you know that. It's scary. There's the custody issue, and divorce, and dividing assets, etc, etc. But you know you can get through all that. And part time with you in a happy house has to be better for your kids than full-time in an abusive home.

good luck.