Trouble Over Stepson
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 05-08-2006 - 9:43am |
I'm posting this on here because of the withholding affection/no help in the house problem. Haven't had to post on here in awhile, but here I am again...:(
My DH and I have been married almost 6 years, have an adorable 4 y.o. dd together, and each have a son from a previous marriage. He never gets to see his - nasty divorce, she got everything - we still save for college (I do) for him, and send him bday and Christmas presents. I have a 20 y.o. son who is now married (eloped and didn't tell me for 2 months) and working at the same place as me and in the process of buying a house. He works Saturdays at a second job to help pay their bills, she's just getting out of high school and planning on babysitting full time once they get in their house. To help them out, I'm going to take our 4 y.o. over there until she starts kindergarten. We have gotten into some huge arguments over this. Our 4 y.o. begs every night not to have to go back to her day care - we've stuck it out, but I'm finally to the point I want to get her out of that environment into this home at least for a little while to give her a break. It's not going to be a permanent thing - just about 8 weeks. Anyway, DH uses the excuse that he's afraid my ex will show up over there while dd is there - big whoop, he wouldn't hurt her even if he did. Plus my son has been in his own apartment for a year, and he never shows up there. DH has gotten to the point where he's stopped helping me around the house, withholding affection - the works. I went through that before many times with my previous 23 year marriage which I don't know how I stayed in so long....
DH also gets mad about me helping the kids out with money. I make about $70,000 a year - so I feel I can afford it. I spend it on very little else other than our own necessities, plus saving for Christmas and college. He makes about $40,000 a year, and saves for nothing. He also has a knife business he makes about $7000 a year clear, and spends around $28,000 a year buying knives. His child support is $700 a month. I've given in on her going to a Catholic private school - he couldn't even think of sending her there without my job. I just feel like what I want isn't important (I'm not Catholic - this school thing is strange to me), plus he's being ridiculous about it and not thinking of our daughter's happiness. It's convenient for him to pick her up at this day care, this new place will be a few miles out of the way - not that many. I currently pay $179 a month for my son's car insurance, and around $50 a month for his cell phone. He only makes about $20,000 per year so he can't yet afford that yet, and my parents helped me when I first got out on my own. At the same time, I don't want to have to pay the kids' bills the rest of their lives, or I'll never get to retire. So what do I do, let the house deal fall through and possibly see my son's new marriage fall apart, and not send her someplace other than a day care she hates (while she's looking forward going to her aunt's)? Any constructive suggestions are appreciated....

That could be part of it. I'm afraid this DH has some of the same problems as ex DH - emotional problems he can't control his temper in certain situations - or doesn't want to. He seems either insanely jealous over anything to do with my ex - I haven't talked to him at all in 5 years, or seen him - we had a clean split - except for a few contacts about our son. We were married 23 years, so I can guess before asking him how he'd like something done with our son except now it's really none of his business because he hasn't paid a dime on the kid since we separated - literally - except half on when his wisdom teeth were taken out.
Anyway, I'm of the school that if you help your kids a little, they will grow alot. Yes, we may have to pay some bills for them here and there, but in the long run my son much prefers to do everything himself, and would be paying all his own bills now if he could. He will pay everything one day, it's just the price of things these days is so much, it's ridiculous - I don't see how people can afford to have 2 or 3 kids all at one time - we're lucky ours are spread apart. DH has, up till this point, been really good about not mentioning having to pay my son's car insurance or cell phone bill. I think part of his gripe right now is my son is getting all these things at an early age - and he and I had to struggle much longer before having cars, houses, etc. DS chose to go to work after he really couldn't make it at the 3 colleges I sent him to - he did get a GPA one semester, but that was it - he just hated it and college isn't for everybody. I just hate any kind of skirmish like this because I went through so many with my ex. I know one thing - this marriage I'm not going to counselor after counselor trying to "fix" what's not 100% my fault - ex had me believing "it was all me" until the very end. Shudder!!!!