Is this abuse?
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| Mon, 05-15-2006 - 3:28pm |
Maybe this is one of those things where if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. I've been wrestling with this issue for a while (months...years?), but this past weekend it definitely reached a crisis point. I'm so worked up about this that I've been clenching my jaw in what little sleep I've gotten, and my whole body is just reeling with stress.
I think that my DH is becoming abusive. We've been married almost 11 years and have 4 beautiful children. As the years go by, he has become shorter-tempered and so very angry almost all the time. There are quite a few things he does and says to me that make me feel unhappy/unloved and beaten down in our relationship.
For instance, he 'neglects' to pay the bills on time so I get stuck with having to haul all the kids to the electric office to pay the bill (and late fee and turn-on fee) and get the power turned back on. Yet he becomes absolutely livid if I so much as suggest that I could handle taking care of paying the bills. In the end it will come down to him saying "I want to do it and I don't want you to do it" and that's the end of it. Last summer, when I was about 7 months pregnant, I got so fed up with it (power turned off twice in 3 months, internet/cable turned off twice, car payment overdue and getting calls, etc) that I sat down with the piles of bills and receipts that had stacked up on his desk and spent an afternoon sorting it all into files and putting all the backlogged receipts into our computerized money program. When he came home and saw what I was doing, he got so mad. He yelled at me for almost an hour, grabbed all the stuff away from me and then he password protected his computer so I couldn't get on it any more.
More lately, he had quite a fit when his favorite program didn't get recorded because the tape ran out. I was already fed up with his absolute obsession with watching TV, so I was not sympathetic (kind of like "if you want to watch the show, you check the tape"). He got really mad and promised to make sure that all my programs "accidently" don't get recorded. That doesn't really bother me - I don't even have time to watch stuff these days, but the "I'm going to get you back" attitude, for something I didn't even do on purpose, really bothered me. (I promise, the tape running out was not some passive-agressive attempt on my part to punish him for his TV obsession)
I'm taking a while to get to my point here, and I apologize for being so long-winded. I did want to make it clear that for a long time, I've felt that he has been emotionally and verbally abusive toward me (not to mention totally controlling).
My main concern is our children. When things happen between DH and myself, I do feel concerned that the things the kids see are not healthy for them. For one, it's a terrible example for them of how to treat a wife/woman; beyond that, I'm setting a terrible example that I put up with it, I think.
Lately, though, he has become more and more verbally harsh (name calling, yelling) toward the kids, and within the last few months, he has begun doing some physical things that I don't think are appropriate. We used to use spanking as a form a discipline under what I consider rigidly controlled boundaries (a set amount of swats administered by a calm parent for specific behaviour (blatant disobedience) only). (please don't flame me about this - I'm trying to be honest here) I had to literally ban him from doing it because he had started doing things like spanking a child for nothing more than "making too much noise" and then he'd spank not 1 or 2 times, but 15 or 20, yelling and insulting the whole time...and leaving bruises.
What I've come here specifically to ask is whether the following things constitute "abuse".
1. A child cries when little sister slams his hand in a door. DH will stand over this child and demand "Say "I'm a baby and I cry like one"" until the child complies. Later, while walking past this same child in the hall, DH will smack him on the head. (When I told DH that he shouldn't make the child, who is 6 years old, say that because it is demeaning, he replies "no it's not" and keeps demanding. When I confronted him about the smack, he told me it was an accident, that the child just happened to "run into" his hand)
2. The trash is full and DH yells at child "WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE TRASH IS FULL???" When the child says that he didn't know how to close the trash bag with a pizza box on top, DH grabs the pizza box and shoves it at the child hard enough to knock the wind out of him. When child falls down holding stomach and starts crying, DH yells "YOU PUT IT IN THE DUMPSTER. GET UP! STOP BEING SUCH A WIMP!!!" (Again, DH swore to me that the pizza box knocking the wind out of the child was an accident. He says he was just handing the pizza box to the child and didn't realize he was so close.)
3. DH wants to watch movies that I've deemed not okay for the kids to watch. Instead of picking more appropriate movies, he makes them all take a "nap" for 4 1/2 hours (ages 9, 6, 2 and 7 months). He ignores crying 2 year old when she wakes up and then spanks her for crying/calling out when she doesn't stop. Tells her she must stay in her room quietly until he comes to get her. (This scenario happened one afternoon when I was gone and my 9 year old told me about it when I got home that night and found them in their rooms at 8pm. They hadn't even had dinner. The 2 year old had several "stripes" from the spanking and her diaper was soaked and cold; she wouldn't let me put her down all evening after that.)
4. DH will smack, pinch, kick at or flick children for minor annoyances. Not repeatedly, just once. It will be for not saying "yes sir", for doing something to a sibling (like grabbing a toy), for just being wild (running through the house), etc. (This happens on a daily basis, more to my 6 year old than anyone else. DH has told me in the past that he doesn't "get" the 6 year old, that he thinks he's whiney and babyish and lazy. Whenever I question or confront him for this behavior he says that "it wasn't that bad, they're just trying to get attention" when they cry or that "my dad did that and it never hurt me". Obviously since he's repeating the behaviour to his kids, it did hurt him...he just doesn't realize it.)
There are plenty more examples, but for now, I just want someone to tell me definitively whether these are things that would be considered "abuse".
And where to go from here? I've already tried checking out several abuse web sites and local services, but they all seem more concerned about spousal abuse or severely violent child abuse than what I'm describing (and also, while I'm at it, more concerned with having a pretty web site than having any real information available). I'm quite frankly a little worried about bringing this up to someone like my pastor or our family doctor because they'd report it and the child services people would take the kids. I think that would be more detrimental than...
Edited 5/15/2006 4:23 pm ET by jennpicklesx4

i'm really sorry that you're going through this awful ordeal. yes, it's definitely abuse, and it's having a really bad impact on you and your children. my parents occasionally blew up and treated me the way your husband has been treating your kids, and believe me, it hurt then, and it still hurt a long time later.
Anything you can do to help yourself and your children through this, I encourage you to do.
JennPickles-
This is EXACTLY what I have been going through. Yes, it is abuse. We finally let the "stuff" hit the fan, I called my parents to come get me and the kids. When my DH saw I was serious he left instead of us and decided to get help. He is on anti-depressants and in therapy. He IS really trying now.
I am not sure if I can go back to him. But we are trying. and at least my 3 boys see that it is NOT OKAY to be abusive to the person you love. You have to teach that to your kids. I assume that you know that you are okay and he has the problem. I hope so. But your kids don't know that. They will think screaming, controlling and hitting are the appropriate ways to interact.
Books that have helped: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
Ditch that Jerk by Pameal Jayne (I covered the book so my kids wouldn't see the title)
If he will listen, these are the books that my DH said opened his eyes Point Man by Steve Farrar and The Other Side of Love by Gary Chapman (they are both Christian books)
One more point: DH said the thing that really opend his eyes was when I sat down and wrote him an email listing all the things he did regularly that were abusive. Many of them are exactly the things you list; spanking too hard, pulling hair, calling the boys "little girls" when they cried, making them lick food off the floor if the spilled. That is all sick behavior. When he read (and re-read and re-read) that list he was amazed, ashamed. It describes the kind of abusive guy he used to see on the news and think they were horrible humans. Good luck. Stay on the board. I will look for you.
I'm going to be a little bit harsh here, and I'm sorry if it offends you, however, your kids are not only being abused, they are being tortured.
The fact that you have to ask whether or not this is abuse is very sad, and a testament to the power that you have given away to that *sshole. You state that your kids are being flicked, kicked at, spanked so that it leaves "stripes", neglected, locked in their room, verbally abused, etc, etc, and you "wonder" if this is abuse???
You seem very articulate, and write well, so I know that you are an intelligent woman. It's so sad that you are in this situation. You have a choice. Your kids do not.
If you don't remove these kids from this situation you are being just as neglectful of them as he is. You have the power to get out. You are changing who your kids are.
I am so sad that they are going through this. As their mother, you are letting your kids be bullied by their father. GET THEM OUT NOW!
Keri
Let me first answer your question with a resounding "YES" you AND your children are being emotionally, financially and verbally abused and from reading your post I would definately say that your children are also being PHYSICALLY abused. Abuse is abuse is abuse and scars are scars regardless of how they are inflicted. A woman or a child does not need to be black and blue to suffer from the affects of abuse which could cover a wide range from post traumatic stress to withdrawal, from depression, extreme anxiety and not to mention growing up or becoming accustomed to being abused.
"DH will smack, pinch, kick at or flick children for minor annoyances" I had to stop and take a deep breath when I read this particular part of your post because it was so similair to the behaviour my xh began toward my DD and it tore me apart to see it. He would buy take out food and eat it in front of her and pinch her if she asked for any, he would not allow her to sit in "HIS" chair (that he spent 800.00 on) even if she begged him and wanted to cuddle - he would hold out his arm so she would fall if she tried to climb up. DD was 4 at the time. So I know what it feels like to see this happen to your children. I spent a lot of energy deflecting his violent behaviour to me but having DD watch him put me in a headlock or pull my hair was not the best either.
My first step was posting here and then talking to the legal advocate and counsellor at the DV shelter (he almost caught me at that one!) and I highly recommend that you do this also, information is power and the more you have the better able you will be to make tough decisions. Find out your legal rights, financial rights and as much as you can about domestic violence and its affects on women AND children. I would also put together a safety plan because I see a lot of violence in this man, his sense of entitlement to inflict pain on the children is a really bad sign and one my xh displayed. A DV counsellor will be able to help with a safety plan. You sound like a loving, committed and smart mother and I feel that you are strong enough to do what needs to be done. Please keep posting and learning andknow that we support you 100%.
Oh, and as for the spanking...DD never needed one but DS 3.5 requires spanking (also delivered by a calm parent teaching discipline) because absolutely nothing else gets his attention.
(((HUGS)))
Lisa
Jen,
"Is this abuse?" YESSSSSS, you will find that you have friends here that care.
Luv, Sherry