the courage to tell
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| Sat, 05-20-2006 - 2:54pm |
Before she met him, she was a happy, healthy, slender woman. She was close to her family, and had a great job in the travel industry. Her friends would say she was creative, funny and a true friend.
When I saw her year after the wedding, I was shocked. She’d gained at least fifty pounds, maybe more. She smoked. She told me she was on anti-depressants, for anxiety and depression. Our conversation was stilted: most topics were off limits. She said she seldom spoke to her family anymore, and that she’d left her job long ago. When I invited her to lunch, she became nervous, and told me she was “really busy these days.”
It wasn’t until much later than I learned the truth. The truth about him, the marriage. His abuse. She once jokingly told me that she wasn’t allowed to sleep, because he’d accuse her of dreaming about other men. But she really wasn’t joking. Jokes were how she tried to cope with the pain.
It wasn’t just the pain of his abuse. It was the pain of his denial. And his blame. And suffering the humiliation. Some people even thought she was lying—or at least exaggerating. No one wanted to believe that such a friendly, attractive man could be so vile. So they believed him when he claimed she attacked him. The believed him when he claimed it was self-defense.
She found the courage to tell her story. Please read it.
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976747594
Thank you

Hi it's me again.
I just wanted to add something. The reason why I didn't post her story here is because the ex is always trying to follow her around the internet. I didn't want him to end up here- he is a horrible excuse for a human being. He will create fake names and pretend to be other people (women sometimes!)
Also, I wanted to say that I understand how hurtful the "denial" can be for women. This jerk denies he did anything wrong, blames her, uses every opportunity he can find to accuse her of being crazy or bitter and still tries to humiliated her. It's really upsetting when people believe him!!!
I know how hard it is for women to find the strength needed to recognize the abuse... and it's so hard to decide to change adn get out. I understand how emtionally beat down and physically beat up you might be. I hope when you read her story, you can see that she got free of this jerk and went on to create a much better life. I remember that is was not easy, but please know that there IS something better. And that you CAN have a loving, peaceful life. Love to all of you brave, strong ladies!!!
I read your friend's story on gather. Wow. Brings back memories. I have told only one person the entire story. It was over the course of about two months. First, I told her of the "little" things. I was scared to tell anyone with any conviction or belief that was I was going through was inhumane. I was scared that people would react to me the same way as my abuser, that I just wanted everyone to feel sorry for me, that I was being too sensitive and blowing things out of proportion, that I deserved it. I remember crying so hard that I would make myself sick. I remember confiding in my abuser about events that had affected my life only for him to take all of it and use it at a later date as ammunition. I remember him watching me cry with a smirk of satisfaction on his face. I remember him chunking that object down the hall at me, shattering glass and so numb to the pain that I didn't even realize my foot was pouring out blood. I shrieked with pain. Pain in my heart and I gasped for air, I was hyperventilating. All that I could hear above my tears and cries for mercy was his voice, "I hope I hit you in the f**ing head" "shutup" "quit your crying". He had supposedly been coming home from an AA meeting, you know he didn't have an anger problem. He stumbles down the hallway toward our bedroom. I am still bleeding. I am still crying. I am on the floor. He grabs my foot with tremendous force and mutters "It's just a scratch." I am trying to pull away. I don't want him touching me. and he squeezes it and tells me he wants to make sure there isn't any glass stuck in there. I can't write anymore. Too many memories, too much pain.....
V.
I'm so sorry vadika.
Does it help to write your story, or does it hurt more? My friend said it was the first time she ever got the whole thing out, without anyone stopping her or denying it. Even family & friends have a hard time "listening."
I think it's important to recognize that the abusers are all so similar; it's not your fault. In her story, you may have read that HE is there on that website, trying to play mind games. She told me what seeing him first made her sick, but now she can view his behavior as a spectator, detached from it, and has recognized what he is. I think that has helped to overcome so much.
I hope you are ok. I'm so sorry.
PS that site accepts any and all writing, so post if you want to...poems, writing, etc.
Thanks Laura. No, I am okay. It is weird, though. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes not. For some reason after reading your friends story and then writing a piece of mine it made me sad. I guess sometimes I am the spectator and sometimes when I read others stories, I am the one feeling it again.
I ended up talking to my now bf about it later. He makes me feel better. He is very understanding and lets me get my feelings out on the table. Being in a relationship that is a complete 180 from my last helps, too. I know I will never have to go through that again.
Yeah, I read that he is lurking at the place where she posted. I remember what it was like having everyone on his side, thinking I was crazy and unappreciative.
Thanks again for your kind words.