Am I the only one who has gone through..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Am I the only one who has gone through..
5
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:54am

Well to make a long story short I broke up again with him and I hope this time I stay strong enough to stay away. Since the last time I posted he kept calling and making me feel like I was the problem and he did nothing wrong. Everyday he would tell me something new to put me down and make me feel like crap about myself. He is know telling me that I bring him down and make him feel bad about himself. I make him crazy. No one has ever called him a loser before not even his worst enemy has said that. He said how come I am the only person that can say such mean and nasty things to him. No one else thinks of him like this. What? I called him a loser in an argument because frankly that is what I think of him. And if that is the worst I called him than he has a problem. He say that he would never expect that from the person he loves. I did not say it to control him or to make him feel inferior to me I said it because I was angry. Not that name calling is right but he down plays what he does to me and make a big deal out of every little thing I do. He hits me for goodness sake. What is that nothing? I guess he is juistifing his hitting me and his verbal abuse on me saying something to him. Like I deserve it for not listening. I dont know. Now he is telling me that I am the only girl he has every treated like this. I am the only girl he has every hit. Is this true do u think? Why me? Why did he have to start with me? I was so upset when I heard this. Why me and not anyone esle?

He promised he would not put his hands on me anymore. Well like an idot I told my roomate to leave so I can see him in my own house. To see if what he was saying was true "that everything would be fine between us." He would not come over for the longest time because of my roomate. Well He comes in the house calls me a whore because I broke plans with him the night before and hung out with my friends. He told me to go be with who ever I was with the nite before. I kept trying to say I wasnt with anyone. He didnt hear it and sleep on the couch. Now this I find so funny because he complains about how his back hurts so bad for sleeping on a couch at his house and it is my fault and the first nite he stays over he does not sleep in a bed when he has the opportunity. I was so angery at myself the next morning. On my way to work he yelled at me even in front of my work and said he didnt give a f*** about my job or if I lose it. He was so embarrassing. Then I leave the parking lot to take him home real quick and he screams at me and chokes me again. Needless to say we broke up again. I told him that if I wanted to be disrespected by someone I would have stayed in my last messed up relationship. I promised myself that if he put his hands on me again I was done. He kept trying to talk and I would not let him because he is not going to brainwash me into thinking he didnt do anything wrong and try to down play the incident. I am done and I hope I kept to this no contact thing. That is my problem and that is how he sucks me in.

Has anyone every been threw something like this before? Like him telling you that you were the only one he every did this too? Why me? Why does he feel justified to do it to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 11:57am

It didn't happen that way for me, but I have seen many, many posters whose abusers did use the "I've never done it to anyone else" line. It's a lie. It is sometimes true in its strict literal sense that he may not have HIT anyone before, but the reason for that is that previous women got out before he got around to it, or they had relatives who were police officers and would find out, or things like that. It's NEVER that he didn't abuse before- they always have, and will continue to do so. It's just that it has taken other forms in the past, and hitting is his new trick.

Why does he feel justified? Because abusers see women as their property, to do whatever they want with. It's the same reason people mistreat animals- they don't see them as living beings, just as things like a table, chair, or lamp. This mindset is one of the reasons why abusers seldom if ever change- it's near-impossible to truly change that idea.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 2:28pm
crk...what you describe is exactly what my ex used to do to me. He used to relentlessly dog me, cuss me, insult me, etc. but when I said one negative thing towards him in response, he would JUMP on it in a heartbeat and use that to try to make me feel like I was just the most awful, unloving person for saying such a horrible thing about him. He would also say that I was the only person who would say such nasty things about him. It was okay for him to call me a thousand nasty names, but one nasty name from me made me the worst person in the world. The truth was that lots of people had negative opinions about him, just as I'm positive many do about your abuser. His statement that he "would never expect this from the person he loves" is sickening. He doesn't love you. Not because you don't deserve to be loved, because you do. But because he is too damaged to be able to love. What he thinks is love is actually very demented and sick. My ex also used to tell me that I was the only one he ever abused. But it wasn't true. He had, in fact, choked his ex-wife nearly to death when she left him a couple of years before I met him. He just figured I wouldn't find out about that. This same thing has happened to hundreds of women on this board. That is a very common abuse tactic used to try to con you into taking the blame for what he's doing to you. He wants you to believe you cause it so that he can continue to control you. If you figure out that he's doing what he's doing because that's just the rotten kind of human being he really is, then you'll probably leave him and he won't have rides places, that nice car to drive, won't have you to pay his bills, etc, etc,. The loser will have to find someone new to use and he doesn't want to do that because you are pretty easily manipulated and that's what he was looking for. I promise you, he has abused every woman he's ever dated and he will continue to do so in the future. You just happen to be the one accepting it right now. Practically everything he says to you is meant to make you take the blame for what he does. Your posts are full of "he says...he says...he says...". crk...he is an abuser. Abusers are liars and con men and nothing they say should be taken as truth or as something to be valued. They are only out for themselves and they say nothing because it is the truth. Everything they say and do is meant to cut your legs out from under you and give them all the power. Unless you are able to maintain no contact you are, unfortunately, going to continue to be very confused and easily manipulated. He is playing very cruel, very damaging, games with you and the only way to end this is not to play at all. Cut him off, get your head clear. You're a smart woman and you know what's right and wrong deep inside yourself. You express that frequently in your posts. Stop trying to give him your trust and start trusting yourself. You have got to be your own best friend now and take care of you. He is not going to be trustworthy, or able to learn to love, and he does not care about what's in your best interest or what is in your son's best interest. This is really a horrible situation you and your son are in. This abuser is a really really horrible, rotten human being, lacking in character and morals. Please try to stop playing his sick game. The longer you play, the worse it's going to get, and the more damage he's going to do to both of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:37pm

C, he feels justified because he is getting away with it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 6:12pm

Yes, yes, and yes.

First let me address the issue of you calling him a loser, "He is, point blank a loser" There. Seriously, let me give you some details from last relationship. In the beginning, I took all of the name calling and accepted the absence of respect. I let him rant and rave and use me. I did. But toward the end of the relationship, I began retaliating. I acted very immature and sunk right down to his level. For me, this behavior is completely out of character. I rationalize it by using the example of a dog. A dog is very loyal. A dog will take being yelled and still love the yeller. But, when the dog gets sick of it and backed into a corner, the dog attacks. I was the dog and I attacked. I attacked to the depths of my soul to protect myself. I said things that...well we won't get into it. The point is, they want you to act just as crazy as them. This way, whenever you feel you have a valid point of saying "hey I don't want to be talked to like that, touched like that, hit like that..." they can say "you did it to me".

When I shut him out, I was very direct and mean about it. I think I must have told him a hundred times through the duration of the break-up "i have no respect for you, it makes me sick to look at you, you are worthless to me, I don't want to get back together with you, you are a liar, you are a coward, you are crap to me..." the list goes on. It was not up for discussion though and I wasn't calling him to say those things, he was calling me. Finally, the calls stopped coming. That is what it took.
Plus, I figured I endured all of his crap for over three years, he could handle to take a little of mine.

I hope you all do not think that I am abusive like my ex. I know I am not. I don't suggest that anyone trying to get out of their abusive relationship to do what I did to the same extent. In all honesty, looking back, I put my safety at risk by talking to him like that. I haven't talked to him in over a year and a half. I strongly support the NO CONTACT rule. Because if you gives these guys an inch well they will take a mile. Our lives are short and it is not worth enduring the pain or confusion.

V.
I also wanted to add that the physical abuse is serious. I got on ym soapbox without accurately addressing your issues. It is SO not right to touch another person with force unless they ar in immediate danger, likewise with yelling. Yelling is not okay and it is emotionally damamging. The abuse with ex got so bad that my health was at an all time low. I was suffering from constant migraine and even had a mild stroke. Anxiety was bad. Everything. Please stop allowing him to contact you and don't talk to this man he is not even worth a secind of your time or your thoughts. Cut him off completely or he will take you down with him or seriously hurt you. Please. What you are being subjected to is scum of the Earth. You are worth so much more. I know you are.




Edited 5/25/2006 6:19 pm ET by vadika
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 10:05pm
I agree with everyone who has posted. Has he ever been abusive to anyone else? Absolutely. He likely justifies past behavior by thinking to himself 'but they started it' or 'they deserved it' or 'if they hadn't done that then I wouldn't do this to them'. I am sure he will justify his treatment of you in the same manner once he realizes you are gone permanently, and as far as he is concerned he will be working off a clean slate as a completely 'innocent' guy again. Abusers like to work from a clean slate. But upon a second glance, one can always see they are layered with the chalk dust from so many frequent cleanings of their slate. Is he a loser? Absolutely. It doesn't matter one wit about his feelings. He isn't your responsibility nor are his feelings. Whenever you see him, hear him, even so much as hear about him, think brick wall surrounding you and let everything he says or does just bounce right off of it. Don't let it into your heart because its time to take back what is yours.