Helping a Friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Helping a Friend
3
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 9:19am

Hi! Just wanted to let the new gals here know that there's hope for the future! Since I left my abuser over a year ago, my life has changed so much for the better. I'm working jobs that I love, making new friends, and I've fallen in love with a man who treats me with respect and true kindness. He's going through a tough time because of his ex, though, and I was wanting to know your thoughts on the situation.

He left his ex-girlfriend rather suddenly because her hostility made it impossible for him to remain in the home. As soon as he left, she began her campaign to destroy his relationships with everyone in his life. For the last three months she has constantly called his mother, son, co-workers and even one co-worker's mother, his best friends, and casual acquaintences, telling them all that he was unable to take care of himself, that he treated her badly, etc. She convinced most of them, at least for a while.

I've been told that we should just let her be to grieve however she needs to, but her behavior seems excessive to me. Is what she's doing a typical way to grieve the end of a relationship? I've known them both for several years, and he always treated her very, very well. The worst thing he ever did to her was leave her because he just wasn't happy in the relationship.

He's tried talking with her several times, but all she does is rage at him. This sounds abusive to me, but I really wanted to know what you all think, and is there anything we should do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 11:37pm

This sounds like abusive behavior to me. Though women constitute only a tiny, tiny percentage of abusers (far more common is the male abuser who tries to pin the blame on his victim :P), true male abuse victims do happen.

Such being the case, the best thing for him to do is the same thing that would be best for a woman to do- NO CONTACT. Especially since all she does is rage at him, this is the best first step- contacting her certainly isn't helping matters, in any event! There really isn't a lot you can do about her trying to get others on her side. We went through this with my SIL's abuser- all you can really do is remain calm, and keep repeating the same, consistent story. The abuser will not stay calm and will keep embellishing his/her side of the story, so over time the little inconsistencies will start to come out and people will get the idea. It makes you want to pull out your hair while it's going on, but you just have to give it time.

Her behavior is absolutely not typical- I have to wonder about borderline personality disorder, but I'm no psychologist. NO CONTACT will keep from feeding her already active fantasy life, so it's really his best place to begin.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 8:29pm
ITA with Erin, Riot.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 9:06am

Thanks so much for both your replies. With so many people turning against us all of a sudden, I was beginning to doubt my own judgement.

Yes, she does seem to have gone a bit over the edge on this, but it's not a surprise to me. She's been acting pretty weird for a couple of years now. One minute she'll be sickly sweet, and the next she's like a viper. She either got fired or had to quit her last job because she couldn't get along with her boss, and she's had problems with anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. She hasn't received counseling for either one.
She's also a heavy drinker.

My boyfriend says nothing but good things about her to everyone, and he accepts total responsiblity for the break-up, and I'm not saying anything to anybody. It's frustrating, though, because there are quite a few people who've been close to my boyfriend who are totally buying her stories. I don't see how they can, but this might be a good way to sift out the good friends from the bad. It's quite painful for him, though. He's been very good to all these people, very generous, always willing to help them out, and now he's watching them turn against him one by one.

Changes are difficult enough without all this added to it!