How much is too much?
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| Wed, 05-31-2006 - 12:56pm |
I posted to another board, and some suggested I post here:
Background: This is my 2nd marriage, DH's 3rd. My first one lasted 11 years (much longer than it should have) lots of issues there. I have one DS (15) that DH adopted after we were married in 2002. DH and DS have ADHD and are on meds for it.
October 2005, DH was working at a local ice rink for extra money, got fired from there for taking a hockey stick out of the rink without first paying for it. He was in a hurry to go ref at another rink and had told them he would pay for it the next day when he returned. It had been autographed by the Hanson Brothers. Manager found out and even though he had gone back and paid for it, fired him for stealing and barred him from the rink for life. January 2006, gets fired from his full-time job for excessive tardiness and absenteeism. Boss was a jerk I admit, but DH didn't do much to try and make it there on time. They fight his unemployment and he finally gets it in March after an appeal. So, he tries to find another job (about half heartedly in my opinion) and finally gets one in March. Its a crappy job that requires him to use his own truck and pays only per stop, for a 2 week period he makes $500 and that was including $150 for mileage. We decide that a job closer to home makes more sense if that is all he is going to make, so he takes a job for a pool company at $10/hr and no benefits. He's been there since mid-April. Was offered a job in his field about 2 weeks ago, but it was kind of strange it eventually went to commission only and we didn't think that would work very well. The pool company bumped his pay up to $17/hr to keep him, still no benefits. He works all kinds of crazy hours, because they can't get their act together there. Last week for example he had 54.50 hours, including working Saturday. He doesn't come home until 7 or 8 pm, we can't even make plans for dinner.
For my birthday this year and last year, I got exactly nothing from him.
Anytime we have a disagreement, he always flies into a rage screaming and hollering at me. Then he'll usually end with "f*&^ you!!" He says I make everything to be his fault, which I don't if he would listen. The latest thing is Saturday night while I was asleep in bed right next to him, he got on the laptop and paid to watch porn. He's viewed it before and once or twice we have even watched a movie together, but the only reason I found out about this was from balancing the bank accounts. He says I'm making too much of it, blah, blah, blah. He says I twist everything---basically said last night that I didn't have a right to feel the way I feel about it and that if I hadn't been snooping in his e-mail I wouldn't have found out what it was. The reason I check his e-mail is in case anyone has e-mailed a response about his resume, etc so he can contact them. Plus, keep in mind this is a person who has to be "baby-sat" every day. He never gives me receipts for anytime he uses any of the bank accounts, he has to be reminded of his appontments, etc.
We're trying to get into a marriage counselor (we went before for a few times, and then stopped) but can't get in for about 3 weeks. He thinks I shouldn't say anymore about the incident until we get in.

Mom, Welcome.
"I guess my question was---am I really crazy?? Did I push too hard or not hard enough?
Honestly, not sure what I expect from counseling---the first time I was afraid to get into things "too deep" or say what I really felt for fear of what he would do after the session. He put his fist through a wall once at our old house. I go to counseling separately and he used to for his "anger management" problems, but stopped when his new job wouldn't give him the time to go to appointments.
I'm sure he agreed becuase I said "divorce or counseling". I asked him last night to just leave for a few days and he said he had no place to go except his brother's house. His whole family hates me anyway."
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Have you read my reply on Problem Solving for Couples? If so, you'll know how I think.
I generally wouldn't copy your post, or any part of it, to another board, but yes, I felt what you'd said was important.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I found your post after I had posted and thank you so much for your advice. I am in counseling by myself with another therapist (started back in January after he was fired) because I was depressed. We have just started to touch on why I make the choices I make and came to realize that my self-worth is very low (long childhood story there) and so it seems I'm attracted to people who are in worse shape then I am, if that makes any sense. It seems like each time I go (about once a month because evening appts are hard to get) that there is some crisis at that moment either with DH or DS and so the time is spent addressing that urgent need instead of me. Of course, my counselor called me out on that this last time and said next appt was going to be all about me! I tend to (with the exception of a couple of people) just "put on" everything is fine with my marriage.
Sometimes I find it hard to understand that what is going on now is abuse (especially when he says that he didn't do the things intentionally) and compared to my 1st marriage this isn't even close. 1st marriage I was choked, he got the babysitter pregnant (who was my good friends niece) and his explanation for it was "because you can't have any more children I did it for you", told me I was crazy on a regular basis, etc. I honestly could go on for days.
Ah, the porn thing! My ex, Leon-the-Loony, LOVED that one. As Gonna said, they seem to have a handbook that they all work from.
The thing with marriage counseling is, it's not designed to work on abusers. We've actually had cases where abusers took what was said in the sessions and used it against their victims later. Only counseling separately, with TRAINED DV professionals, really has much chance of working. And even then, the theory behind counseling is that the counselee WANTS to change, which is where abusers fall flat.
Only you are in the situation, and can decide what you want to do. Unfortunately, the odds of counseling working are not with you. :(