Does counseling work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Does counseling work?
4
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 8:43am
Hi Everyone. Been lurking and have posted some. Quick summary: been married 14 years, 2 children (4 and 8), H verbal abusive turn physical. Blames blow-ups on me, saying I push his buttons and know he has a temper and when I see it getting up I should shut up and talk when he calms back down. This last blow-up was in front of the kids with yelling, slap, pushing. Now he says I need to get over it and we need to start with a clean slate. My issue is that has happened before (not in front of the kids) and each time we say we will try harder (he says he treats me the way he does because of how a treat him – show him no affections - so a circle you treat me so I treat you.) But we always end up in this same situations, saying we will try again. But I am tied of it, I know it’s never going to end and you cannot forget and pretend the bad things don’t happen. So he says as long as I keep thinking it’s going to happen again it well because I am not trying or getting over it. Now he knows I have had enough and wants to try counseling. My question is does counseling really work? Oh he also in the past has said all counselors are quacks who just take your money, that only you know yourself and how to fix yourself. Thanks for listening any advise is greatly appreciated. Do I continue with my original plan and file for divorce or counsel?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:26am

Traditional marriage counseling does NOT work in relationships where DV is present. We've actually had several cases where the abuser took something said in the counseling session and used it as an excuse to abuse later. The only type of counseling that has a chance of working is that conducted by a trained DV professional, separately; counseling for you and batterer's counseling for him.

That said, the fundamental underpinning of any counseling is that the counselee has to WANT to change. This is where abusers usually fall flat. It is, of course, unwise to ever say never, but abusers and counseling do not historically have a good track record.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:17pm
I can only tell you from my personal experience that couples counseling did not help at all. I would recommend individual counseling though especially with someone experienced w/ DV (this is very important)and especially if you are going to leave him. Your husband's attitude about counseling should obviously be a sign that it will not help. Like most abusers, in their minds, there is nothing wrong with them. In fact, you will be the one that is wrong, you will need to change. Don't get sucked into that.
I can't tell you what to do. I gave my X 2 chances to go to counseling and I think in a sense it was because I needed to know I tried everything (even if I knew it wouldn't work). When I finally was strong enough to file for divorce (even though I still have doubts) at least I know I tried all I can. He was given options to change but couldn't.
Avatar for phoenixangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 3:07pm

Duuuude -- EVER SO been there, done that -- and you know what? It was a big fat PFFFT. Himself (a verbal/emotional abuser) is the same way: shrinks are quacks, if you go to them you're a whacko, and he is just fine thank you. Umm, yeah.

The shrink (a regular couples/individual counsellor) actually said to cease meeting with Himself because "he either says what he thinks I want to hear, or things that are calculated make him look good/me look bad," and that until he was ready to be honest, there was no point.

To which Himself said, "well this shrink stuff is Bull$#!t anyway"

Counselor: "that's the first honest thing you have said"

Himself: "Yah well, the truth hurts, doesn't it?"

Counselor: "It doesn't hurt me because it's not true. I didn't say that what you said was *true*, I said that what you said was *honest*, because that's the first time you've actually said what you honestly think and feel"

Now, *I* stayed in talks with that counsellor for awhile thereafter, and here I am =years= later, back in counselling again: But this time I am focusing on ME and my exit process (see my long "Getting the most from counselling" thread), and no longer focusing on US, because he has pretty-much irrevocably broken "us". My work now is about getting my head around actually getting out and then doing it.

Also, on the advice of other members here, I have made an appointment to do intake pursuant to getting counselling specifically for abuse survivors, through a local domestic violence organization. Cool part: it's FREE, so I can continue to meet with my "vanilla" counsellor (paid thru my insurance plus I have a co-pay) AND meet with a counsellor specifically trained to address the issues of abuse.

Another thing: Himself is NOT verbal in the least, one of those "strong silent types." Even his attacks are simplistic: there's no complex abusive dialogue going on, it's just constant name-calling, putting-down, humiliating, bullying, peck-peck-peck, with the occasional nasty, aggressive, scary blow-up on his part. You'd never peg him for being subtle or manipulative, but he sho-nuff *IS* -- It's so weird because I honestly don't think he sees what he is doing as abuse, and I don't think that he is sitting up nights consciously thinking "how can I hurt her tomorrow?" This stuff lies so deep that I have come to realize that nothing I have tried, or could try to do, will have enough effect to save or rebuild, and that the kindest thing to BOTH of us is to get out and eliminate the tension and drama.

Hang in there, and at least do what you need to help YOU. You may not be able to change him or save your relationship, but you can still be kind to yourself and compassionate to him (evil lil lol) as you decide how to move forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:43am

Vanilla counselor!