Why cannot I get to my decision
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Why cannot I get to my decision
| Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:34pm |
Posted here earlier this week about counseling...agree that it's not going to help. Past infor: Been married 14 years, 2 kids (4 and 8), H is verbal abuse with some physical (push, slap, pull hair, choke) Okay this past week I told him we were done with because after six years of trying we keep repeating this cycle: he treats me bad (name calling, yelling, disrespectful,) because of the way I treat him and I don’t pay him any affection (kinda hard when he treat me that way) because of the way he treats me --- a circle. So we have a blow-up (well he does) slaps me, pushes me, and yelling, then we say we will try harder to work on improving our relationship. Because he feels that it is all my fault, if I would pay attention to him he wouldn’t get aggravated and blow up or I push his buttons, ect….my fault not his thing. This trying to improve last a little while, maybe a month or two, then it starts all over again. So I had enough, especially since this last time the kids witness his blow-up. But when I talk with him I always back down and cannot follow through with saying “I want a divorce.” Or I’ll write him a note saying it, but when we talk I back off it. Emotionally I am divorced from him: don’t care to be around him, don’t think I love him anymore, don’t want any sexual relationship with him. I just get sucked back in. Logically I know this is not a good relationship, this is bad for the kids to be exposed to, this is not a normal loving relationship. SO WHAT’S MY PROBLEM!!! Thanks for letting me vent. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

CK Friend,
you say "But when I talk with him I always back down and cannot follow through with saying “I want a divorce.” Or I’ll write him a note saying it, but when we talk I back off it. Emotionally I am divorced from him: don’t care to be around him, don’t think I love him anymore, don’t want any sexual relationship with him. I just get sucked back in. Logically I know this is not a good relationship, this is bad for the kids to be exposed to, this is not a normal loving relationship. SO WHAT’S MY PROBLEM!!! "
All I can say is that I am there, too. Separated but not divorced. I love him b/c we have a long history and some of it IS happy. He wasn't an abusive *** every day. And he is NOT being verbally or physically abusive now. (in therapy)But I still get criticized and manipulated. (Usually by guilt) We started marriage counseling. I think I am afraid someone is gonna tell me I HAVE to go back to him b/c of the kids, b/c of our marriage vows...b/c of something. I just feel like somethings are too broken to repair. Maybe he isn't, maybe I am......Tired of being hurt, afraid of being alone. Afraid of hurting my kids. Guilty b/c I cheated on him when I was so miserable in the marriage.
I haven't "pulled the plug" either. Don't know if I will. My friends and family are all so worried. I have told them the whole story and they are finding it hard to believe he has changed. Who would want me back after I cheated, anyway?? Maybe it is his final maniplation/control. Common sense says "RUN". But I haven't run away. And we will never have "no contact" because we have kids. I am officially trapped. And I could divorce him, but would still be dealing w/ his anger and disapproval for the rest of my life.
OMG are the two of you telling my story or what? I am in the same boat! Wow. It's kind of reassuring knowing there are others like me out there. DH is very emotionally abusive, but he always sucks me back in. Cripes, just a week ago he was yelling in front of the kids that I am worthless and a bad wife, blah blah blah. I sulk about it and then what do I do? I start planning a party for our anniversay in three weeks. WTH am I thinking?
I know I am scared to be alone. I don't want to be lonley. I don't want to raise my kids alone. I don't want to have an empty bed. But, I don't want anything to do with DH either. I can't stand to be around him, don't want a physical relationship at all and we never spend time together anymore. I think I need him for the kids, though he treats the kids like crap.
We can do this ladies. We can. We just have to take the steps, right? As soon as I hear about a job this week, and get a little money from my mom to help out, I'm gone. I tell myself everyday..you can do it, you can do it.
Lisa
Hello everyone,
I don't have any advice, I am in the same boat as all of you only I have an apartment, a place to go, loving friends and family and yet I still have not left.
I don't know why I haven't left him, I feel sorry for him, he's so alone..etc. Plus, he's been "nice" for quite a while now. Oh we get in arguments but mostly that's me screaming at him when he annoys me. I'm at the end of my leash now and can't stand him. But have I left? Nope.
He has decided he's going to quit his job in two weeks and go back to school and work part time. Heck.. he didn't work for two years and I supported him. Now we are so far up our necks in debt, and he's going to quit his job and go back to school. I want to cry. Will I tell him not to? Nope.
So since he's been "nice" I feel like I shouldn't "rock the boat" and leave. Well I haven't left yet. I don't know about you all but I sit here and wonder what's wrong with me. Why I'm so messed up I can't be selfish and walk out. We have two kids but I dont' think that they are the real reason I can't leave. I don't know. I'm so lost.
I'm sorry.. no advice here, but its nice to vent. My friends have pretty much given up on me. They think I'll never leave.
Very often, fear takes over and we find it difficult to complete that last step away from our abuser. The divorce stage. HE WILL NOT CHANGE WITHOUT PROFFESSIONAL HELP !!!!!!!!!
That is the bottom line. As a counseling professional, I knew it in my head but couldn't listen to my head, had to go with my heart and I was nearly killed for that mistake. He turned from merely pushing and shoving to chasing me down the street with a butcher knife. If he had caught me, I would be dead. Please get him out of your life NOW before it is too late. MY ex is currently serving time for attmpted murder of his girlfriend.
Don't minimize his behavior. YOU are not at fault for HIS psychiatric disorder. He had control and self-value issues and can only get through them with someone elses help. You cannot save him, he has to save himself.
Good luck and I will pray for strength for you. GO get 'em!