Never thought it was abuse... till today

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Never thought it was abuse... till today
2
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:13pm

SAw a councellor today... was an eyeopening experience.

I always thought over the course of the last 4 years, that our marriage was just a rocky one. Never abuseful. But she gave me a list of things to read over, and too many of them I answered yes. He never hit me , but he did play the head games. Using intimidation to get his way, like either give me what i want or I may get nasty. He would flip out over ordinary everyday things that shouldnt matter, but they got to him. I would constantly anticipate his moods or what might upset him and do wahtever i could to make sure that thing didnt bother him. All these things I felt were jsut part of being married. Everyone has their own way to deal with things, i figured these were his.
Its only been a week since he left, so emotions are still a bit raw, but though thigns with his court appearance are still unsettled, i find myself almost giddy at times and happy. Seems wrong that for one who professed her love to this man only 6 days ago to feel this way. It was like a major epifany today, hit me like a tonne of bricks.
I consider myself a bright, intelligent woman. Why didnt i see what was happening? Wow, gonna have to explore lots more of these feelings in the next few visits with her. Phew!
Im tired, emotionaly speaking.
Thanks for letting me spew all these words that are running in my head. My journal for today is also crammed with thoughts, not so much coherant sentances, but words and feelings.
Also, took down pics today. Going to put them in a photosafe box with the wedding album. Not throwing it away just yet, in spite of the bad times, we did have some fun times too. Just not in proporttion with the bad ones.

"Pain is ineveitable, but misery is an option.. so stick a geranium in your hat and be happy" its my new mantra for the next little while. (also a book title)

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:36am
Hang in there, Red.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:39pm
Give yourself time-all this is still very new to you. It's very natural to feel confused- remember that abusers are master manipulators, so a big reason that you didn't see what was going on is that he put a great deal of effort into making sure you didn't. Keep posting and working with your counselor- there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
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