two questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
two questions
4
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:54am

Hi! I lurk here and post occasionally. I came here to learn about domestic abuse, not because I am being abused (thank goodness, my husband is a man who is just sometimes annoying, never abusive) but because a dear friend of mine was, and I want to try to help other women avoid the horrors Em endured.

Y'all have mentioned to posters that they should be able to find the number of their local DV shelter in the Yellow Pages of the telephone book. Yesterday I had the phone book out, and suddenly wondered what the listing for our local shelter looks like--would someone be able to find it easily, etc. Much to my amazement--NO LISTING! I have two different phone books. One had a listing for another county, the other had no listings at all. Do the shelters have to pay for these listings? If so, I think that is incredibly inappropriate. These shelters are not engaging in commerce, they are providing a public service.

Anyway, since there are at least a few phone books in the US that don't have local shelters listed, is there a comprehensive website that includes that information, and would it be possible to include a link to it? Some people may have exhausted their computer knowledge just finding their way here; they may not have the fortitude to head out on another search.

My other question involves the state of mind of abusers, insofar as it can be known. I assume that they don't wake up in the morning thinking, "Today I will abuse my wife," yet they somehow feel justified in engaging in behavior that get them sent to jail if they went next door and did the same thing to a neighbor. How can they do that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: geoteo
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 9:35am

Hello Geo....


A year ago I designed the board website for this board while I was a CL here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: geoteo
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 9:43am

Thanks, Wishful! That's very helpful information. I hope you're not offended if I tell you that your siggy is complicated and could be confusing to people who aren't as computer-savvy as you are. I was hoping for something a little more along the lines of: "Check your Yellow Pages for a link to your local DV shelter, or click HERE for the national list." That would be easy for an emotionally-exhausted person to follow in a moment of crisis.

The website is incredibly detailed. I can't imagine how you had the time to put together something so comprehensive--it must have taken months!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: geoteo
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 9:52am

We're all adults here, so I'm not offended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: geoteo
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:39pm

Wishful answered your first question pretty well. The board website, accessible through the start page here, has all kinds of GREAT info- such numbers are available there.

As for your second question, I don't think anyone knows for a fact. My best guess, completely based on gut instinct, would be that it has to do with their consideration that women are their property, and therefore theirs to do with as they please. The neighbors do not "belong to" him, therefore he cannot do with them whatever he wishes. However, in his mind, his girlfriend/wife is as much his property, and worth about as much, as a coffee table or lamp, and as much his to use however he chooses as the coffee table or lamp is. I would suspect it's a mindset very similar to how slave-owners used to justify owning slaves. This is a gross oversimplification of what goes on in the mind of an abuser, but I think it plays into it.

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