need advice - long
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need advice - long
| Mon, 06-05-2006 - 7:47pm |
I'm 33 and i married my H 4 years ago. we met online and i am from a diff state than he is. i met him while living in his state doing a contract job. i moved down to his hometown tomarry him bc he told me "I will be miserable to live with if we stay (where i was doing my work) or move to your home state." So i said ok fine i don't want to take him away from his home and family if he loves it there. well it has been a huge adjustment which i don't mind except i feel like i've lost myself. i've had to take horrible low paying jobs to get by meanwhile he pressures me about money and bills. there is no industry here so finding a decent job like i had before is impossible. if we moved to my homestate i could be doing contracting again making $50/he and money would be no problem. but i gave him the benefit of the doubt. his reasons for wanting to stay here are the beach (which he never goes too), its not as congested (all he does is b*tch about tourist traffic) and his job (which has him so stressed he makes life at home h*ll sometimes. He doesn't get along with his family so i am asking myself why are we staying here? so he tells me to look for a job BUT i have to guarantee permanent employment and that I'll never get fired. Who can guaratee that? I can get a FT perm job but there are no guarantees. so he's basically gotten himself out of having to move. meanhwile i am miserable at the job I am now bc i know i have potential to do so much more. its taking a toll on me physically bc it is very stressful plus since i am considered an "outsider" here clients give me a hard time and are very nasty. I get yelled at all day by people and think to myself "I'm better than these people, I could be making 10 times this at a job I like." but hubby refuses to move. he has his heart set on living on land by his mom who is very controlling and has him convinced he;d never make it anywhere else bc she wants to keep him trapped here. she makes comments about how she'd die if i took her baby boy away from her. Give me an Fing break. so he's been brainwashed. plus she's manipulative and interferes in our marriage. if i moved out there i could kiss my last piece of freedom goodbye. so i am stuck here. but on top of that my H is very controlling emotionally and very manipulative. he's taking meds now and trying to get better but i'm dying here waiting for him to get better. i've had to give up a lot of things that i like bc either they dont have them here or he doesn't like them. and i don't want to do everything alone. i've tried to make friends but people here aren't very receptive of outsiders. so if i am not at work or with him, I'm alone. i just feel so trapped. my husband has a way of turning things around and making everything my fault even when i know its not. if i get depressed about something, he gets twice as depressed to show me "Look at what you're doing to me." yeah when he's sad i get sad to but i don't compete with him. i try to help him.
My SIL and brother think I should leave him. they think there is no hope for him. I got on meds and got myself out of my depression so i am hoping the meds will help his self-destructive behavior. but i don't know if that can ever fix what this environment has done to him. people around here still think of women as second class citizens and that men are macho and never share their feelings. And a wife is no different. if you need to hide something from her its ok. not that he hides stuff but he has a VERY hard time talking about his feelings. i don't know if anything can undo that.
do you guys think it is worth the effort to stay? I ave tried everything and am exhsuated and have left it up to him to give a little effort and he's trying the meds. other than that, i'm at a loss.
thanks for listening to me ramble.
My SIL and brother think I should leave him. they think there is no hope for him. I got on meds and got myself out of my depression so i am hoping the meds will help his self-destructive behavior. but i don't know if that can ever fix what this environment has done to him. people around here still think of women as second class citizens and that men are macho and never share their feelings. And a wife is no different. if you need to hide something from her its ok. not that he hides stuff but he has a VERY hard time talking about his feelings. i don't know if anything can undo that.
do you guys think it is worth the effort to stay? I ave tried everything and am exhsuated and have left it up to him to give a little effort and he's trying the meds. other than that, i'm at a loss.
thanks for listening to me ramble.
Signatures On
| Tue, 06-06-2006 - 11:39am |
This reminds me of the words of an older pen pal of mine, when I was wondering if I should "stick it out" with my ex. She said, "Hon, this is not the Marines. You don't get honorable discharge papers and college money at the end of a tour of duty. A healthy relationship is not one where you have to 'stick it out'." Is there any realistic benefit to staying in this relationship as it is? If it were me, I'd say no, but you are the one who must decide that.




