His Court Appearance-Should I go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
His Court Appearance-Should I go?
5
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 12:34pm
I was a victim of domestic abuse in March. Since then, this guy, who I dated for over 2 yrs and had asked me to marry him 1 wk prior to the incident, just disappeared. Well, not disappeared, he never contacted me again and moved back with his parents (he's 35) in a town about 1 1/2 hrs away (which is good, I know). He had his arraignment last month, which he pleaded "not guilty". The end of this month is his pre-trial. I am off that day and am debating if I should go. Do the victims generally attend these things? Should they? More than anything I would like to hear what he has to say. The only record of what his thoughts are about what happened are on the police report and he blamed everything from his medication to ME! He never apologized, never showed remorse, never took blame, not that I'm surprised. Does going help heal or does it only make matters worse.
Just curious on what others would or have done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 2:32pm

First, I would call the court to see if they require you to be there. Where I live, I was considered a witness to the crime and I could have been held in contempt of court if I didn't show (even thought the last time the Judge didn't even ask me any questions). So, for legal reasons, I would check first. If you are thinking of going just to find out what happens so you can be more prepared for your safety, again just consider calling the court and ask what happened (probation, jail time or nothing). But,I don't know if they are required to give you that information and the courts are not always easy to deal with.

It is actually a good thing that he hasn't contacted you and it is important that you also maintain that no contact. I don't know what's going though his head or yours. If he sees you at court he may think that all is forgiven. Or, what I think is worse, is that he may think what he did was okay because why would you be there to see him. Emotionally, I am sure it is hard for you to let go and may be thinking about taking him back too. I think that my X first thought that he would get to see me and he didn't care if it meant possibly going to jail. Then I think he thought because I was there that I cared and would stop the divorce. I did at that point still cared and a part of me probably always will. The worse thing is he saw me crying and that just gave him more reason to continue to contact me, even when he was in jail, because he saw that weakness and thought I would take him back.

It is not an easy decision. It is great that you have come to this board to seek some assistance. You are not alone. You have to make the decision for yourself but the advice from others here can be so helpful.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 12:17am
I would call the courts and get their advice. I wanted to go to my husbands arraignment, but because of the no contact order, i wasnt able. For me its the not knowing what will happen. See, hes an american citizen and we live in Canada. The Crown Council, I talked to, agrees that he should just be sent back to the US leaving behind a record of assault. That way he cant ever cross the border again unles he's recieved a pardon, but when he left he had the cop tell me not to contact him in any way shape or form. So, May 28th 2006 will be considered the start of our 1 year of seperation. After that I can get an uncontested divorce, but after he leaves the country, I may look into proving cruelty, then they will grant me one right away. Anyways, sorry to ramble, but if you dont have to be there.. dont. You can always get the info after the fact as its a matter of public record I believe. Good luck, God Bless :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 7:57am
pikmin,
His pretrial hearing is just that, however, if he has a lawyer and you feel he may cut a deal with the prosecutor, PLEASE GO!!! The judge will inform victims during the stage where they advise all people of their rights that, as a victim, you too have rights and the right to an advocate is among those rights. Teh court system has vicitm advacates and you should ask for one of the to stand with you as someone who knows the system and will be sure your rights are followed to the letter.
Remember, go into the courtroom when a marshall states that anyone facing criminal charges enter the courtroom to be informed of their rights. They should read victims' rights at the same time.
Just don't be alone with him no matter how much he asks if you can settle this between the two of you. That would be placing yourself in harm's way again.
Be careful and tell us how it goes. I know I care!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 12:07pm
I agree that it would be best to call the court and see what you should do. They may in fact require you to be there; if they do, they may have a victims' advocate available to go with you. What they will want depends on your state, but they will be able to help you. www.womenslaw.org may have information also.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 12:38pm
Thanks for all the replies!
No, I don't have to go. It's between the prosecutor and his attorney (and him) to decide what to do. I have no part in the decision and according to the advocate, it's the prosecutor's decision what, if anything, will happen. It's his first offense so I'm sure it won't be much. I am just tempted to go to hear the discussion. I would never speak to the man again and I have no doubt he feels the same about me. He's one of those guys, just like my dad, that becomes "reborn" when something bad happens in his life and everything before that time was a mistake and long forgotten.