What did I do this time........?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
What did I do this time........?
12
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 11:39am
Yeah so I'm taking a shower this morning. And my husband barges (sp?) in screamiing at me and asking me "why are you taking a shower??" DUH.....cause I need a shower!!! He then continues to yell at me and say all of these nasty names and such about how I'm cheating on him and needed to get rid of the "stank." Then, he goes out to the kitchen and he comes back while i'm still taking a shower, and yells about a empty corona bottle that is in the trash can. He then throws the corona bottle over the shower cutain thing, and it lands by my feet. (thank God it didn't hit me or break while I was in there) And he throws back the curtain and starts accusing me of cheating on him. And along with that he yells terrible names at me. I then lost it and jumped out of the shower and I started screaming at him and asking what the hell was his problem. And he continued to say that he has this gut feeling that I"m cheating on him. I was like totally confused and stunned and just like taken back. I had no idea how to react to all of this. I just went about getting ready for work. and getting out of there. It all just didnt' make sense. Now, I was told before when your spouse or whatever starts accusing you out of no where...that meant that they were usually the ones that are guilty of somthing. Is that true for the most part?? Cause yesterday he left around 6pm to go to a baseball game with his cousins. And didn't come home till 11:30. Which is the time he has to leave to go to work. After asking him why he came home now, and that I'm sure the baseball game was over by then, he tells me that the game ended at 10:30 but that he went to his friends house afterwards. Well, hello....knowing that you have to go to work that night you would think you would come home at a decent time to get ready . But noooooo...he was rushing all over the place making crazy messes trying to get to work. So what the hell happened from yesterday at the ball park to this morning screaming at me??? I just dont' get it or him??? Then of course we left it the way it was this morning and I went off to work. Who knows what he'll think of next when I get home......Erg........

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 12:07pm

What did you do? Nothing. He's grasping at straws to attempt to justify his behavior, and it's not going as well for him as he'd like.

As to the idea that if someone is accusing you of something outrageous, it's because they're feeling guilty about having done it themselves- yes, often this is true. I can't speak for your situation, but it's happened that way many times here and elsewhere.

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Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 12:37pm

I'm so sorry your day started out that way. My H is not so much a screamer and yeller, he loves sarcasm and guilt trips, but he has accused me of cheating on him many, many times. Almost through our whole relationship. I remember thinking once we got married he'd relax, that he was just insecure and that being married would calm him down. I couldn't have been more wrong - I think it got worse!! Anyway, I agree with skycat. He's grasping for anything. And as for me, I started really wondering after awhile if it was true of my H - if HE was/is actually the one who is cheating. I mean, I'm home almost EVERY night and at work and then with my kids every day. How could I be cheating?!? It's ludicrous. However he goes out 2 - 3 times per week, with friends or clients is what he tells me, but I've been wondering for a long time how true that is. He always gets home past midnight and has spent the night away probably 12 times in the last 9 months. Plus, he cheated on his first wife - with ME, although he lied to me and told me he was divorced. So, it's quite feasible that he's doing it to me. I wish I could just catch him and tell him it's over. (sigh)

I also want to tell you I know how it feels to ask yourself "what did I do THIS time?!?" The answer 99% of the time, I believe, is nothing. You did nothing. It is the worst thing to sit around agonizing about how you might have wronged him, analyzing the time between him being "nice" and then him blowing up. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Lately I've just been repeating to myself "You have done nothing wrong. Do not analyze this. Forget about it and move on. Let him deal with it." The more you do this and try to remove yourself from it, the easier it becomes.

Big {{{hugs}}}. Hope your day improves.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 12:48pm

Lisa

Yeah my husband before we were married, seemed really insecure and I thought it would go away too when we were married. But now it hasn't either with him. I am in the same boat as you. I stay home every evening, plus go to work and I'm home with my 1 1/2 year old son. I never go out. But on the other hand he is out a lot during the week, plus he is out all weekend long. That's what I tell him...how in the world can I cheat on you. But he always comes back and thinks I"m cheating on him when he is at work at night. Hello, I'm so exhausted from being 7 months preg, taking care of the house, taking care of my son and all of the in-betweens. To have the strength to do anything. And besides I don't want to cheat on him.

Just like you said, "I wish I could just catch him and tell him it's over. (sigh)" That's EXACTLY how I feel. I just want to catch him ONE time....boy would I have a field day with that!!!

Thanks for writing to me...it's at least nice to know that someone else is going thru a similar situation....even tho I am VERY sorry that you are going thru it also!

Avatar for phoenixangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 1:27pm

"What did I do?"-??? You were alive and convenient. That's it. And you even THINKING about assuming guilt for HIS behavior: he wins. He's bent you yet again.

You need to stop thinking that his behavior is about YOU. It's SOOOOO not. It's all about the twisted little world inside HIS head, you just happen to be the convenient person to whack around (mentally or physically). Once you can let-go that it's not about you, things will get easier (not better, just easier for you to deal-with). Trust me, been there, and this epiphany saved my sanity. Accept it, please.

As for the whole "cheating" thing, I mean really: You KNOW you're not. And if he IS, well (and not entirely in jest), maybe you'll get lucky and he'll leave you for her and SHE can assume his victim role. Either way, you're on top, disassociated from his BS.

Say it with me: I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay (and he's the nutcase). And then do a lil dance, cuz even if he's too whacked to see it: You rock.

hang in there.

Avatar for phoenixangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 12:44pm

Something else occured to me re: the whole cheating accusation/is he guilty/is HE the one cheating idea:

Possible reasoning on his part: If you ARE cheating, then nothing would be his fault. You'd be the 'ho' and now he'd have an excuse to abuse you even MORE!

My abusive spouse, who frequently tells me I'm frigid (umm, nope, everything works just fine, thanks: I checked! lol --I just ain't gettin' with yr sorry backside NO MO'), also says things like "maybe since you don't want ME, you should go get it from some one else, at least then I'd know you're not frigid" Now if that isn't the most tarded logic I've ever heard, I dunno what is. Yeah right: (A) I don't roll like that and (B) oh right, and give you an excuse to be a martyr, play some twisted blame game, yadda-yadda-yadda...

It's all about their sick, sad little world, founded in their insecurities. He sees you pulling away (and rightly so because he's an abuser) and since "there's nothing wrong with HIM" (like he's ever gonna own that), it must be something YOU're doing or covering up.

Starting to get the hang of the thinking? Yeah, I know, it makes my brain hurt too...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 2:37pm
My H always says things like "you must be going through menopause" and "I don't know why you don't want to, its not like it hurts you" and the latest last night he said "wow.. were you raped as a child?" just because I find him GROSS and I dont want him to touch me, its my issue. Nice.

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 4:49pm
While I'm still wondering if H is cheating on me (there's been more than just him accusing me of cheating to make me suspicious) I agree with what you're saying and finally realized awhile ago that he accuses me of cheating because in his mind there can't be any other possible reason I don't want to have sex with him/am acting withdrawn/etc. because he has treats me so well and loves me more than anything. Um, yeah, right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:26pm

Just had to sniggle over some of the crap excuses abusers come up with for why we're not slobbering over them... Cain't have anything to do with the fact that they're hellfired jerks, could it?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 11:45am

My H says every morning "oh, I"m getting old" and he walks like he's 80 all bent over and limping (he is 36). He is losing his hair and talks about it all the time. "Women can purchase breasts but what about us men?" or "they worry so much about breast cancer but what about men's cancers and men losing their hair and the stuff men go through? Its all about women" blah blah blah...

I'm dying to her about the epil stop episode! Tell me! :)

I don't want him to touch me because to me he is cruel and I don't even like who he is anymore. No matter how much I "want" to do anything, if he's around, that feeling goes away.

When you love someone, I don't think looks matter. My H is very handsome, most girls think he's a catch. He's just a mean jerk to me. Some girls find that sexy, I just am not one of those girls.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:51pm

Dunno if I've ever put this one out there....


Our relationship was grinding down to a halt and sex was less frequent.

 

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