More lies, so ready to leave....

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
More lies, so ready to leave....
7
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 5:13pm

I have been reading some great books in preparing myself for what I'll say when I have that ultimate "I'm done with you" conversation. One in particular is by Susan Forward, a PhD and a therapist who focuses on emotional/mental abuse. One of her well known books is "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" - I just ordered it and waiting for it to come in. I just finished her "When Your Lover Is A Liar" book. I wish I had read it 11 years ago. H is quite a skillful liar. I wish I had realized long ago that it's part of who he is. I'm sure he will never change. I'm so tired of being someone who used to be so trusting and loving and who is now suspicious of everything he says and hasn't been in love with him for years.

I know he has lied to me more times than I can count and even more that I can't confirm. However, just today I've realized that he more than likely lied about having a doctor appointment on a day that I was supposed to meet friends for dinner and therefore couldn't because it meant I had to pick up our kids from school/daycare. He had broken his finger the day before and had gone to see a doctor that day. He told me that he needed to go see another dr. the next day (my night out) for a possible MRI. I believed him, although had my suspicions. So on my way home that night he calls me and says he needs to go back to the other dr. on the following Monday, that the dr. wanted to wait on an MRI and just see how it looked on Monday. Fine. Then he says he needs to discuss some things with his boss, wants to do it in person and tells me he's going to his boss's house. I call 30 min later to see when he expects to get home, get his voicemail and never hear back from him. He gets home after midnight. So, I'm at home fuming because I was the one who was supposed to be out that night but am at home instead. I'm sure you all know by now that he's the one that always goes out while I go out once a month or so and get attitude just about every time.

But, I digress. I've had it with everything of course, but the lying? It's going to be what pushes me over the edge. I have just had it.

What can I expect his reaction to be? He's never really laid a hand on me (except one time he grabbed me by my shirt and yanked me in the door.). He's punched a hole in the wall and kicked things, slammed doors - that kind of stuff. The hole punching was about 4 years ago. I'm not afraid of him convincing me to give him another chance. It's not going to happen. I'm so over this. Done. Done. Done.

I have a name and number for a divorce attorney but haven't called her yet. Should I do that first before I confront him? I'm trying to think this all out and have been thinking about it for awhile. I just want to have my head about me, you know? Any advice?

Thanks for reading ladies. I don't know what I'd do without this board.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 10:59am

Hi Lisa,I don't have alot of time lately but I read your post and wanted to respond.
Lying,to me, is a huge slap in the face.My H is much like yours.I don't think he could tell the truth if his life depended on it.On top of all the other garbage we deal with,it certainly is enough to push you over the edge.I've been dealing with it alot lately,and I'm not taking it lying down.I call him on everything.
As for what to expect when you have "the talk" with him, he hasn't been physical in the past but I would certainly keep my guard up just to be safe.You never know with these men.But he sounds more the type to throw a temper tantrum.Just say what you feel you need to say and be firm about it.As long as we give them the opportunity to treat us badly,they'll keep taking it.Best of luck to you,

((hugs))
Nikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:11pm

It can't hurt to have your ducks in a row legally before he knows you're out.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:21pm

I would suggest talking to your lawyer first. I did that. She didn't charge me for the consultation. And I would also have your plan in line (i.e. a week worth of clothes, ect in the car) , so that if you need to you can just get in the car and leave.

If you know you are done, then file right away. The lawyer can tell you if it is a good idea to file before you have "the talk". You could give him the papers right then. But boy, is he gonna be mad. Wouldn't hurt to have someone there w/ you. When I told DH to leave, I already had bag packed for me and my kids and had my brother sitting right outside my house.

(The rest of that story is that I still haven't filed and my head is a mess...so my two cents may not be worth much).

Good luck.
V

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 5:58pm

Nikki,

Thanks for your thoughts. I am going to keep my guard up. I still haven't decided when I'll have the conversation. The sad thing is, he's lied so many times and about big issues as well as little ones, I've stopped confronting him. I used to think if I showed him that I knew he was lying he'd be more likely to stop. But, why would he? What were the consequences? Me being mad for a few days? So what? The thing is, he has ALWAYS gotten away with it. What's happening now is I'm actually getting tired of feeling so emotionless where he's concerned. I'm mad that he's still lying - it's so disrespectful and well, wrong! But I guess I'm more mad because he's taken away my trusting nature. How will I ever be able to open myself up again to someone? Not something I should even worry about now I guess. I need to deal with H first.

I'm sorry you again are in the same position. These guys will never change. How sad it is that because of other "issues" - such as having children who will be majorly affected by divorce - that we stay much, much longer than we should. I pray for you and all of us.

{{Hugs}} back to you,
Lisa

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:04pm

I agree - I need to get more things in order first. It's the not knowing how he'll react that's killer. Before we were married, I broke up with him for a few months and there was no sign of violence/manipulation/temper but, things were much different back then. Hard to believe he's the same person, but I guess he hadn't revealed all of his true colors back then.

I am going to talk to the attorney about the domestic abuse issues at play here. Hopefully I'll get some good information/feedback from her when we do talk.

Thanks so much for your encouragement.

Lisa

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:06pm

V,

You're right - he is going to be mad but probably not at first. At first he'll do the crying, threats of suicide, etc. At least that's what I THINK. But, I don't know for sure and that's the hardest part.

Your two cents is worth plenty. I hope that in the coming days you are able to straighten out your head and see your situation more clearly.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 2:42am

I am sure he was less violent or manipulative back then because he thought he could win you back. And because there was so much less to lose. Now there are the kids/ standing in the community, ect. And when people ask him why you left he is gonna have to explain. I have come to find out that my H is really embarrassed that we are separated. I think one of the reasons he works so hard to reel me back in is bacause then no one outside the marriage will think he is all that bad. I don't think that is the major reason, but it is a factor. (Of course, the nurse/nanny/maid/cook/servant factor is a huge one. And he doesn't want to be lonely.......but heck, I have been really lonely for a long time)

Keep your eyes open!
V.