The kids' therapy session

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
The kids' therapy session
4
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:13pm

Yesterday my two oldest kids (12, 10) got to confront their dad in their counseling session. This was their big chance to tell me how he made them feel, all the years of yelling and screaming and cut downs and recently, the hitting. Basically they just said they knew he was sorry and they belive him that it will never happen again. I am so glad they feel faith in him. Really, glad for them. But now we are back to "everyone forgives me but you". I am the bad guy now. I am the "holdout".

And I do forgive him, but I DON'T feel ready to let him back into my heart. Honestly, I want him to be happy and have a healthy life...emotionally and physically. I am just not ready to be his wife. He IS in therapy, and he IS making changes...based totally on the idea that he MUST win me back. I just don't want to be "won".

Meanwhile, he wants to be back in the house. He says I am chosing to disolve our relationship, so I should be willing to leave. The thought of being separated from my kids, even a week at a time terrifies me.

How do we figure out custody? In all fairness to him, he is not being abusive to the kids now. He has a right to see them, and they need a Dad. I hate this. It would be easier to just give in to him........

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:42pm

Val, he's in a honeymoon phase, please don't forget that.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:54pm

SO what is a "long period of time"? I am thinking if we were separated/divorced for a year that would show he had really changed if he was not abusive in that year. Is that resonable? Or is there no "safe" time? He realizes he was abusive now. And he didn't before. But I am afraid he will change his mind later (like if he has to stop taking the meds he is on now) and start saying I was overreacting.

Side note-- did I tell you that I had an affair? He knows and he says he forgives me and understands. But I am seriously afraid that it will be a long term issue. I HATE that I did it. I regret it for making the whole situation so much worse. But I can't go back in time..... I was just looking for some type of comfort. (BTW, it wasn't comfortable and wasn't worth it!)

"Honeymoon" is right!! Gotta keep saying that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 9:24pm

There really is no safe period, truth be told. :( It all depends on what behavior you see coming from him. All you can really do is observe him, and do *not* let him back unless and until you see real changes. What are real changes? Here's our "how to tell if he is changing" thread: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25539.1&ctx=512

I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but the odds that this is anything other than a honeymoon period are not good. Time will tell, but I'm not holding my breath. :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:05am

Erin,
I am really clear that the odds are against this. Everything I have and read and surfed tells me that, as well as my family. But I am watching and waiting. For now I am safe and the kids are safe b/c he is out of the house. And he knows if he pushes things I will go ahead and file. He has been impatient about that...really wanting to come back since he is not being abusive now and he is in therapy. And I won't discount his efforts.

It sure does help to have you all here, though. Thanks for listening...even when I am just saying the same stuff over and over. I know your experience is helping me.

Have a great week. I will be around, for sure!
V.