I HATE HIM!!!!! I hate myself!!!!!!
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I HATE HIM!!!!! I hate myself!!!!!!
| Wed, 06-14-2006 - 1:15pm |
I hate him so much right now!!!!! I also hate myself for letting him control my life once AGAIN!!!!! My cousin who was preg (20 weeks) with her first kid, after trying for 5 years, gave birth last night way too prematurly and lost her baby in her arms!!!! She had called me last night while she was still having contractions but they thought that it was all under control. She really wanted me to come to the hospital and be with her. She had her husband there, but wanted me ther as well. I tell my husband that I really need to go to the hopital and see her and be there for her. He says no that it was too late to go (10pm) and that there was no reason to go since she had her husband there. I tried to explain to him that she needed a girl there with her and that she needed me. He started getting loud with me and I couldn't take it so I got my shoes on and started leaving at this time he was grabbed me and blocked my way to leave. He kept saying over and over again that I wasnt going to leave. I tried to fight with him but soon gave up. I stayed quiet for a little bit, but then exploded yelling at him and asking my WHY did he have to be this way with me. He kept saying that he didn't want me to go cause of her husband (my husband and her husband don't get along) and he thought that her husbands guy friends were going to be there probably and he didn't want me there with those guys. I told him first of all that they wouldn't be there cause she is in a state that she didn't want alot of ppl. and secondly it wasn't about the other guys it was about my cousin!!!!! I hate myself cause I gave up and just cried and I was so angry that i was screaming into a pillow. Calmed myself down saying that no matter what I was going to go the next day. This morning he comes home from work (works 3rd shift) and says that hes sorry for the way that he act and that it was fine with him that i went after work. That appology didn't mean SH%^& to me!!! I called my cousin to let her know that I was coming and here she lost her baby!!!!!!! She gave birth and everything and since the baby was too little it died 10 minutes after it was born!!!! I AM DEVASTATED!!!!!! She was on the phone with me crying and asking why I wasn't there last night!!!!!! I was so ashamed that I made a terrible lie up and felt bad that I even came up with that bad lie!!!! I promised her that i would be there right after work......I am a mess!!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!!!! Because of my stupid life and husband.....I couldn't be there for my cousin whom I love very dearly and felt honored when she wanted me to be there!!!! BUT I LET HER DOWN......Now I feel terrible. I hope that i can keep it together when i go see her!!!!

Elm,
Please, please, please DO NOT hate yourself for SAVING YOUR LIFE!!!!
Your cousin is going to need you now more than ever. Giving in to the inevitable last night paved the way for you to be there for her today.
Does she know the situation between you and your abuser? I know it sounds a little histrionic for me to say you saved your life, but you and I both know that you did. He's given in this morning because he was able to see for himself last night that he does still control you. Beware, there may be another "test" of his control in the near future.
I am so frightened for you. Is there a battered women's center near you? Please look into that and keep a contact number for them handy. (Memorize it, don't write it down anywhere.)
PLEASE stay in touch with this board so we know you are well. He will end up making your cousin's situation all about him and his "needs". Stay close to healthy people and know that someone out here is praying or you.
In God's love,
Kim
Thank you for responding to my post. I went to see my cousin after work. And as soon as I saw her we both burst into tears! I was so sad for her. I was nervous going in because I am almost 8 months preg, but my cousin was just so happy to see me. I spent an hour or so with her just sitting by her side crying with her laughing at some good memories. So overall it was a nice time. And to answer your question....she doesn't know the extent of the abuse. She has seen me once with my lip busted. We actually didn't talk for a long time after that cause I had went back with him. Recently we had re-built our relationship. It'sm slow going but it's good.
However when I went home. Things just went down hill fast. Thru all the emotions I've been thru, that @$$&^*% still thought of himself!!! He got angry at me for not taking my son into the hospital with me. I told him that it would have been terrible for me to take him in there. That it was no place for a child to be. So that set him off in one of his moods. Then he just had a very big attitude towards me. I have come to the point where it is very hard for me to hold my tongue anymore. Which adds fuel to the fire. Our arguments were SOOO petty last night that it was ridiculous. He was telling me how he just never pictured putting his hands on someone he loved.....but that I pushed him to that point with the way that I "disrespect" him. (ALL BULL CRAP) He is the one who can't control himself. He aLways thinks that I point my finger at him and that if I would only take up some of the resposiblity. BUT what the heck have I been doing?? Alll I've been doing is defending the little bit of dignity and self esteem that I have left. And I'm not giving it up without a fight!!!!! This will never be over! It's always going to go around and around in a circle. (even with me saying those words....it doesn't change anything inside me. WHY????????????????)
Hi,
I think you express yourself well. My question to you is do you want to leave your husband?
No I have not gone to counceling. I tried once but he found out and was really furious. So actually this board is like my counceling.
what is keeping you back from just leaving him??
I truly wish I knew why I can't just up and leave him. I feel sorry for him, mostly. He is very lost in his life right now, he's unhappy. He lost his mom a year ago January and he doesn't have any friends.
He is truly trying to change now, I think. But for me, its too late. I could never trust him again and I am afraid of him so I know that I'd never be happy with him.
My aunt sent me some books and I'm going to read them. They are "the verbally abusive realtionship" "controlling people" "Narcissims" and "trapped in the mirror" which I'm hoping will help me leave him. I need to start worrying about me and not worry about him so much.
I do everything for him. Make his appointments, make his lunch, make dinner.. everything. The only thing he really does is mow the lawn and take care of the outside of the home. I do pretty much everything else. He will wait until I get home (sometimes 8 or 9 at night) for dinner rather than run to the grocery store and purchase something himself or make dinner. He's truly dependent on me.
I have been married to him for 15 years and he just now figured out how to use the cash machine to withdraw money. I had to always give him cash. I feel repsonsible for him being so unhappy mostly.
I cannot repeat, cannot believe he is pulling THAT old argument out!!!!! There is NEVER ANYTHING done to be worth ANYONE putting their hands on someone else!!!!
He is responsible for his behavior PERIOD!!!!!!!! His trying to make you feel repsonsible for his behavior is tantamount to him trying to make you responsible for the sunrise!! That is the way it is, that is the way God sees it, that is the way any attorney or judge would see it. The bottom line is this, the more often he belittles or hits or pushes you, the more his manhood is stripped away. One day he will stand in front of a judge and I would love to see the reaction when he tries to put the blame on you. The very thought of blaming someone else for his behavior is LUDICROUS!!!!!!! Is he a puppet on a string, subject to the whims of others for his every move? NO!!! He is a small man, no matter his physical size, and he feels small inside which is why he needs to take it our on you.
Here is the biggest problem here. The longer you expose your son to his behavior, whether he sees it or not, the more likely your son will grow to be an abuser. I repeat: The longer you expose your son to his behavior, whether he sees it or not, the more likely your son will grow to be an abuser. Please do the world a favor and DO NOT unleash another abuser into our midst. We have a hard enough time dealing with the ones we already have.... What your son is learning is that women are second class citizens who are to be dealth with through intimidation, threats and violence. YOU MUST SAVE HIM FROM THIS WAY OF THINKING!! It's already too late for his father but not for him.
The longer you accept this kind of treatment the harder it will be to convince your son that it isn't right. My mother was the abuser in my house and the children believed that everyone lived like that!!! Please leave him for your son's sake. As I said, it is too late for his father. You have been given the responsibility of raising a son which is an awesome responsibility. HE is your priority. It sounds as if you have the support of your cousin which makes you a very lucky woman indeed. Most women would have to do this on their own. Take this gift and RUN with it!
Please let me know how it goes, I care.
Kim