I need OUT -- very long VENT

Avatar for phoenixangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
I need OUT -- very long VENT
3
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 1:50pm

Y'know, here I thot things were going OK -- not great, never is anymore, but (in large part because I have been intentionally avoiding him since January/February, as little contact/interaction as is humanly possible between life and kids, etc) it was down to random jibes and the usual ongoing unpleasantries which I just ignore anymore. I think of it as practicing for when he is out of my life, works pretty well so far as it goes; Gives me some space while I am formulating an Exit Plan.

So we coordinate that we are all (him, me, 2-DS) going to go grocery shopping last night (Wed-6/14). We go to the local Sam's Club and do these big trips every 6-8 weeks, and I pickup random stuff in-between. Harmless family activity.

He's forever complaining that he has "gotten stuck with" it (which is patent BS, because it has repeatedly played-out as follows) and so last time he pulled that, I got a lil wiggy and told him "I worked my schedule to go WITH you to shop, we set the date for Tuesday night, and you CHOSE to go while I was out of town visiting with family over the weekend: You CANNOT complain about what YOU **CHOSE** to do!!!" Seems it actually got thru (miracle!) because he actually stuck with our scheduled shopping-date/time.

I was in a great mood: He'd actually gone-along with the scheduling plan! I’d gotten a bite to eat into the guys before Himself got home, so they weren’t hungry in the store, we’d been noodling around, all’s well. We drove over (his truck only seats 2-3 at most so we have to take 2 vehicles, so younger drives over with me/older with dad, older drives home with me/younger with dad).

So we get there, he gets a cart and the boys get the flatbed (they love rolling it around and it's best for the typical BIG packages). As we start to work thru the store, he is dawdling, looking at various stuff, so I tell him, "the kids and I are going to go a few aisles ahead and pickup some stuff." He waves me on, keeps looking at whatever. No problem, right? So off we-3 go (the boys and I) and we pickup a lil this-and-that. Everything's fine as you could want.

Five minutes later +/-, he comes out of the end of an aisle and -- right there in Sam's Club, people all around -- starts yelling at me (just so we're all on the same page, I define this "yelling" as: using a louder-than-speaking-level voice and additionally an aggressive, nasty or patronizing tone) about "We have to stay together, you didn't pick up detergent, there's no room in my cart for it, but you don't give a $#!t about that since you never do any cleaning, why don't you just go home and I'll do it all by myself, again" and on and on and ON. People were peeking thru the racks and turning to look at us, I was *mortified.*

I'm thinking that a normal way he might have addressed this might have been "hey, hon, you missed a coupla items, and I could use the flatbed to put these large items in, can you help me out please?"

I did a very, very stupid thing then, but I have to own my part in it: I got really mad and so I tried to laugh it off, saying "oh, hon" and kinda laughing and -- this is the bad part: I "flicked him" as he came up -- you know, when you make a sorta-O shape with your index finger and thumb, then "flick" the index finger to lightly hit someone. And I'm sure people saw me do it. Tho done in a playful way to try to de-fuse the situation, I admit that this was stupid and wrong and it was **entirely** my mistake to hit him in any way.

He barged by me to the flatbead, hitting me “just in passing” on my left arm with one of those monstrous bottles of detergent so hard I staggered a step to the right. It didn't *hurt* me, I'm not going to fuss about that -- but he still did it, and it was a h311uva lot more than a tiny "flick," and there was no de-fusing laugh involved: it was still an intentional violence against my person, however relatively minor. And in public!

I dunno, I just kinda "went somewhere" -- I got real "fish-bowly," y'know, like you’re inside a fish-bowl looking through glass at everything: detached, unreal-feeling, kinda floaty, and shaking like a leaf, cold, the whole thing. I think that technically I went into shock because when I caught myself in a mirror about 10-15 minutes later, I was white as a ghost and my pupils were HUGE. All I wanted to do was to scream and freak-out and cry, but I had to keep it together and not freak-out the boys. Plus every time I don't go with to do the shopping, he misses many items for the boys, so I felt horribly torn between just leaving and the need to be there to make sure the boys had what they needed/wanted to eat for the next few weeks.

Maybe it WAS an over-reaction, but I couldn’t control it. Couldn’t. control. it.

So I sorta just mentally/emotionally hit the wall and I said to the boys, "do you guys want to come home with me?" My younger one said “Yes” right away, and the older decided to stay -- but d*mm1t to my shame I feel that it was because he felt he had to be there to take my place and try to monitor/assist in what was purchased, g*d I am such a loser for putting these two darling precious boys thru this, even tho they act sanguine about it, I know it's wrong and unhealthy for them.

So younger son and I start walking out and he said something along the lines of "I hope they get X, Y, Z" and I just thought, “dang-it, why should we suffer because he’s an idiot” and so we got a cart and we went around the store and picked all the things that he (and by his guess his older brother, too) and I wanted/needed but felt Himself would miss. I figured that if there were dupes, he could just edit them out. The whole time, I was completely strung-out, distracted, on the verge of tears: I probably looked like a right blithering idiot (I know I did, having seen my-scary-self in a mirror).

By the time we finished and met up with Himself and older son (who said “you’re here? you didn’t leave?” and came up, hugged me and quietly said, “about 2 minutes after you and C walked away, I wished I’d gone with you” which made me feel wonderful for him being so sweet, and worse for having put him in that position all at the same time) -– by that time they were 2/3-3/4 thru and my sons wanted to show each other things and chat, and it seemed stupid at that point to leave and dump my older son with the work of loading the groceries and so on. So I told the boys I had to sit down, and I went and sat on a bench at the front of the store, probably looking like some kinda freak, shaking, and hovering on tears. They checked-in with me once or twice, "do you want salmon?" that sorta thing, and they knew where I was even tho I wasn't walking around the store with them. Plus since Himself seemed entirely unaffected by it all (well now he *wouldn't* be, would he?) they also didn't have to see very much of their Mom completely freaked-out, because when I saw them approaching I really tried to normalize my behavior and respond to them positively.

When they got to the checkout, I checked-in with the boys and then went out to my car and took a turn around the parking-lot. I was so strung-out I couldn’t even really cry, just sat there shaking, hyperventilating, half-crying, what a frikkin mess. They came out with the carts and I went over – *completely* ignoring Himself but interacting with the boys as normally as possible, tried to keep the same pleasant tone with them as tho nothing had happened -- and helped load the truck (because it’s unfair for any of them to have to do all that work, it’s my job too as part of the family).

The rest of the evening: drove back home. Again, totally ignoring Himself (“you are invisible, you don’t exist”) helped get groceries in and put away, then Himself went to bed early as usual (he's rarely up and about after 7:30-8pm) and I watched TV for a while. Slept a while on the couch, as has become usual the last several months, going in to the MBR to sleep in my own bed later (and I do mean MY bed, it was my grandparents’ and I’m jiggered if I am not going to sleep in my own bed just because that big-fat-cootie is in half of it: thank god he doesn’t snore so I can totally ignore him).

So here I am at work dashing this out in lieu of lunch (because I haven’t zip for an appetite, still; stress like that tends to kill my hunger: wish it was enuf to make me lose some weight lol)… Still half-twitchy, *sigh*

I’ve got a shrink appointment this afternoon after work and I don’t even know WHAT to say…

Gad I am SO trapped: there is NOwhere I can go to get out that won’t endanger my kid’s well-being or significantly interfere with their lives, no DV shelter for miles and the ones there are, are all WAY-too-overloaded with women getting *beaten,* who need the space more than I, no family I can call upon (because we’re all poor, they live far from me and none of them have any space for us to go to), no money, crap to expect from any settlement and that’d be months, maybe years away anyway, and how to survive and support 2 kids til then –- I’ve been checking the papers and online, and I can’t afford rent at even the skeeviest places, much less a decent, respectable house, not to mention that the boys would be =devastated= to not have their cats, which most apartments won’t take so that’s right out… And I am dipped if *I’m* going to leave by-myself just to save my sanity and leave those precious boys behind. Not that he’d harm them, but I know that’d be bad for them too, they are so bonded with me and I with them.

I realize no-one can do anything to help me. It all seems so petty and stupid and it’s just killing me. All I want is to have everything we have right now, just him GONE. I just keep praying he’ll get hit by a truck and killed, so we can keep it all and have a decent life again (cuz I think his insurance ought to be enuf to allow us to stay afloat while I worked out details). I know that’s sick and twisted, but I am so ***angry*** that WE have to suffer and lose everything, because HE’s an A.$.$! It’s just so WRONG!!!

So thanks for letting me vent and bang my head on that brick wall some more; At least I know that you guys truly understand. I don’t expect you to be able to give me some sorta miraculous advice or fix my problems. It’s just nice to feel like someone truly understands and supports me, even if you are all just ghosts in my machine, lol.

I am GOING to be all right in the end. I am going to figure this out and make it work, and somehow keep myself and my kids safe and sane until I get us through to the much happier other side – and be-d*mned to him!

Grabbing those bootstraps and pullin’ up…

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 4:38pm

Hun, big hugs here. I know the shock/scared/what the h*ll just happened daze you're in. You are one of those women being beaten though. He just did it with a big bottle of detergent in a public place. The bruised shells of women at the shelter didn't start out that way either. It was a small deliberate hit and then it escalated.

Have you tried talking to a lawyer? You have rights to support and may even be able to kick himself out of the house and keep it for yourself. Check into it.

Your boys sound great and even ignoring things it will still get worse. It always does. Keep fighting the good fight and you'll find a way out I'm sure of it.

-Jennifer

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 4:41pm

Huge, huge {{{HUGS}}}. I'm so sorry about your shopping incident and for the fact that he's such a big jerk. You sound like an intelligent woman and loving mom, you WILL be able to figure a way out of this when the time is right. You and your boys are in my thoughts.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 6:46pm

PhoenixAngel,
I am so sorry you are going thru this. You gotta do something to get his attn. It isn't okay for the boys to witness this kind of life...they think it is normal. They will learn this behavior and treat the people they love this way. And face it, you and I have hung around to take the crap, but the average wopman won't. That means your precious boys could grow up, abuse the person they love and be left high and dry.
Keep reading the papers and surfing the web. You will come up with a plan! I am praying for you!!

{{{hugs}}}

"Flicking" his is not stupid and not abusive. He intentionally harmed you. This time it was little, but next time it will be bigger. You gotta be safe!!!! You are a child of God. Too important to let someone harm you. You have 2 wonderful angels to raise and you have to be sane and safe to do that. Do it for them. It will be hard initially, but better in the end.

V.